My 31st birthday has come and gone. And as I sit here I know I am blessed just to still be alive. I don’t believe I would be here if I had never committed my heart to God. I believe … Continue reading
I still remember the nights.
The times I would think about suicide.
I wanted to end it all.
I was only 15.
I had already lost my virginity when I started having these thoughts.
A girls virginity does a lot to her worth weather she knows it or not.
I remember being at a place where I would’ve done anything for validation and admiration.
It’s an ugly place to be.
I believe we constantly try so many dead ends to fulfill our broken hearts.
We want to be wanted. And when we realize that we are not wanted always.
We throw ourselves out there.
We post disrespectful pictures of ourselves online.
Girls dress in ways that scream out, “PLEASE WANT ME”!
Some very lonely ones become strippers/escorts/Web cam girls all for the desire to be validated and admired.
Because for some strange reason women have fallen for the big lie that attention equals all of the above.
But sadly when they reach the peak. They learn the sad truth. It was all a mirage.
I was just a teen girl when the suicidal thoughts began. But even so young I felt lied to. Attention wasn’t enough! I tried the boyfriends. I tried sex. I was still depressed. Still heartbroken. Still so alone.
What was the remedy? Was there even one?
I still don’t know why I never actually succumbed to suicide. I know one thing for sure though. 15 years later I am so very thankful I didn’t..
Now that my heart has been restored and fulfilled with a true satisfying love I hurt for all those still searching.
That is why escorts, prostitutes, and porn girls exist because theirs too many humans walking around with their souls screaming out for pure love.
We were created for relationship so it’s no wander that we hunger for relationships. No wander so many go to extreme measures all for the sake of relationships . To be wanted. To be liked. To be “loved”. To be sought after.
And so it’s no surprise that it was in a relationship that I found everything my soul and heart had been screaming out for. A true relationship with God. I say true because I’m not talking religion.
My heart had finally found the One who had created it. And it was there that I let out a huge sigh of relief.
Pure love existed!? Yes. Yes. Yes. A thousand times. YES!
And I promise you it is more beautiful and whole than you can ever imagine.
I pray friend you experience it for yourself; if you haven’t already.
For this Love was powerful enough to crush my fears. Even powerful enough to overcome the suicidal thoughts once and for all.
And that dear friend is… worth it all.
The day I cried out.
Today I want to write about the day God began His incredible journey of healing me.
People may look at me now and never even think or believe where I would be if God might’ve never rescued me from a dead lifestyle.
. . . . . .
But when I was only 16 my heart had already felt much pain.
Nights I would think of suicide.
I thought I knew what I wanted.
How is it that Someone can actually heal and restore your broken up soul!
I have experienced it. I know.
And it all started with a cry.
The year was 2002.
The month.. January.
I did the dangerous.
I took off with a boy I didn’t really know at all.
But hey, I was a teen girl with a bruised and torn heart remember.
We tend to do some pretty stupid things when our heart is broken or wounded.
We drove around a bit. Then… As it got dark and started to snow. He didn’t take me home. He drove his car to an alley right next to a field. And turned off the engine.
Yes. He wanted to have sex.
But no. Of course, I didn’t want to.
He tried to convince me and no not with words.
But with the little of integrity I had left inside of me I looked out the passenger window and (either in my mind or in a whisper) I pleaded:
“God, get me out of this”.
He did. He really really did.
I wiped my tear away slowly because I didn’t want the boy to see me crying as I turned to look at him. He stared at me said,
“Do you want me to take you home”?
Just like that.
I said yes. (Of course)
He started the car and drove me straight home.
I never ever seen him again.
I walked inside my home and into my room. Closed the door.
I cried like a baby.
On my knees. I cried out.
Here I was a 16 year old girl that could’ve been raped.
I know God saved me that night.
I know He heard my plea.
And as I cried out in my room that night. God was already beginning the process of healing me.
I gave my heart to Him that night.
That broken, bruised, torn, abused heart. And in return He began to restore me. He began to change my heart and cleanse my mind.
It’s unbelievable really. It truly was a miracle.
Yes, there are things I wish I had never experienced as a young girl. Things and situations that have left scars. But if I had never experienced them I wouldn’t know now how it feels to be healed and restored.
And believe me I do. I do.
This morning I prayed. And as I sat there on my living room floor I pondered. ….
If you have read some of my other postings you know that God saved me as a young girl. I may have been just a young girl but this young girl already had many plans for her life. Destructive plans. Plans that I now look back and shudder at the thought of what would have become of me if my plans would’ve come to pass. And a question I have thought to myself and asked many times is: Why did God save me before I was totally immersed in the lifestyle I had thought I wanted.So as I sat there musing and talking openly to God. It hit me. Well, it was just a thought but it was almost as if I could feel the truth in it.
I don’t think I would’ve made it out alive.
I sincerely believe I PROBABLY WOULD’VE PUT A GUN TO MY HEAD and pulled the trigger.
I told God all this with tears.
I said God you saved me before perhaps because YOU knew I wouldn’t have made it out alive.
He had so much mercy on me that He called out to me that night as a lonely teenager.
But even though He called. It doesn’t mean I had to have listened.
I could have walked away from Him.
I could have ignored Him.
I could have yelled out to Him in anger instead. Cursing Him for allowing me to go through all that I had gone through up to that point.
But I didn’t.
Oh Thank God I didn’t!
And believe me when I say I don’t think I would’ve put a gun to my head and pulled the trigger simply because “I’m weak”. Or because I just “couldn’t have handled it”. No. I mean yes. Maybe I would’ve been weak. Maybe I would have got to that point where I just couldn’t have handled it anymore. But I believe the real reason I would have pulled that trigger is because of all the SHAME, all the REGRET, and hopelessness I KNOW I would have experienced and felt!
I know I probably would have looked back at my life and wondered where in the world did I go wrong? I know I would have remembered all the times as a little girl that I would run to the back of the shed in my backyard to read my Bible. I know I would have remembered the times I went to church as a young girl and KNEW deep inside that was what life was all about. Worshiping my Creator. I would’ve looked back and remember listening to my mom say her prayers. And as I pulled the trigger I would’ve believed with all my heart that I deserved every ounce of shame.
I would’ve died an empty soul.
Callous, hard, and numb.
But deep inside just truly sad, desperate for real love, and fighting demons that had been assigned to me since childhood.
So I sat there thankful, and in awe of God’s mercy and grace. I cried tears of joy and appreciation that I would never know that day. The day I probably would’ve pulled the trigger.
Thank You Father for saving me. For rescuing me. You seen what could’ve been and you chose to reach out to me that night. You made yourself so real.
I pray You also make Yourself real to all those that are crying out to You today.
If God is calling out to you today…please don’t ignore Him. Please don’t push Him away.
You never know what he may be trying to save you from.
Lots Of Love