I probably would’ve put a gun to my head

image

This morning I prayed. And as I sat there on my living room floor I pondered. ….

If you have read some of my other postings you know that God saved me as a young teen girl. I may have been just a young teenager but this young girl already had many plans for her life. Destructive plans. Plans that I now look back and shudder at the thought of what would have become of me if my plans would’ve come to pass. And a question I have thought to myself and asked many times is: Why did God save me before I was totally immersed in the lifestyle I had thought I wanted.So as I sat there musing and talking openly to God. It hit me. Well, it was just a thought but it was almost as if I could feel the truth in it.

I don’t think I would’ve made it out alive.

I sincerely believe I PROBABLY WOULD’VE PUT A GUN TO MY HEAD and pulled the trigger.

I told God all this with tears.

I said God you saved me before perhaps because YOU knew I wouldn’t have made it out alive.

He had so much mercy on me that He called out to me that night as a lonely teenager.

But even though He called. It doesn’t mean I had to have listened.

I could have walked away from Him.

I could have ignored Him.

I could have yelled out to Him in anger instead. Cursing Him for allowing me to go through all that I had gone through up to that point.

But I didn’t.

Oh Thank God I didn’t!

And believe me when I say I don’t think I would’ve put a gun to my head and pulled the trigger simply because “I’m weak”. Or because I just “couldn’t have handled it”. No. I mean yes. Maybe I would’ve been weak. Maybe I would have got to that point where I just couldn’t have handled it anymore. But I believe the real reason I would have pulled that trigger is because of all the SHAME, all the REGRET, and hopelessness I KNOW I would have experienced and felt!

I know I probably would have looked back at my life and wondered where in the world did I go wrong? I know I would have remembered all the times as a little girl that I would run to the back of the shed in my backyard to read my Bible. I know I would have remembered the times I went to church as a young girl and KNEW deep inside that was what life was all about. Worshiping my Creator. I would’ve looked back and remember listening to my mom say her prayers. And as I pulled the trigger I would’ve believed with all my heart that I deserved every ounce of shame.

I would’ve died an empty soul.

Callous, hard, and numb.

But deep inside just truly sad, desperate for real love, and fighting demons that had been assigned to me since childhood.

So I sat there thankful, and in awe of God’s mercy and grace. I cried tears of joy and appreciation that I would never know that day. The day I probably would’ve pulled the trigger.

Thank You Father for saving me. For rescuing me. You seen what could’ve been and you chose to reach out to me that night. You made yourself so real.

I pray You also make Yourself real to all those that are crying out to You today.

Amen.

If God is calling out to you today…please don’t ignore Him. Please don’t push Him away.

You never know what he may be trying to save you from.

Lots Of Love,

SongsOfIntimacy

***
photo credit: Hand Model via photopin (license)

Begging for love

Why do you beautify your way to SEEK love?   -Jeremiah 2:33

It hurts me to see so so many girls beg for love.
So many of them seeking to be loved. And sadly, willing to do about almost anything to get it or feel it.

At only 15 yrs old I was willing to give myself away for “love”.
I willingly dressed in a way that I believed would gain me “love”.
I behaved in ways and did things that I can look back at now and know that it was all just an attempt to have and feel “love”.

The problem was… that I didn’t even know what love was.

I thought love was… a boy wanting me because that must’ve meant I was beautiful. Right?

So I desperately tried to do things that would make me ‘feel’ “beautiful”.
But that was before I knew what love meant. What love is. And what love IS NOT!

image

We run after things or run after people hoping that they will make us feel beautiful.
And sometimes it works.
But it’s always temporary.

Girls might put on extra make-up. (I know I did).
They dress to impress. (Showing as much skin as possible or by hiding under designer named clothes).
And sadly, Oh so many fall into the MULTIPLE SEX PARTNERS TRAP!

Giving up their virginity, their self-worth, or their dignity for a night of “love”.

But under all the attempts they are just simply begging for love.
Without even knowing it.

image

I begged for what I thought was love and when I believed I had received it I couldn’t let it go. Even though I should’ve. Even though others could clearly see that IT WASN’T LOVE.

It was like some twisted cruel joke that I continued to be a part of.
Except I wasn’t laughing but all the while the devil thought it hilarious.

image

I thought I had finally found “love” when I was 15.
But this so called love didn’t last. Even though the young ignorant girl that I was believed it would.

I had given up my virginity.
But little did I know I had also lost so much more.
I had burned away more of what little self-respect I had.

The boy I had given myself to never loved me. How could he? When he hadn’t known what real love was neither. But no matter how many times he disrespected me I went back to him.
Of course, I had to. He was the only form of “love” I knew and had.
And so as the hole in my heart grew. The door I had ignorantly opened was about to pour out a hellish pathway intended for me by the devil himself.

A path so unbearably tormenting that if I had known I would’ve probably went into a complete state of hysteria.

A road full of horror.
A road full of shameful acts.
A road full of unimaginable pain and hurt.
A road covered in lies, guilt, regret, and disdain.
A road I will never truly know because only months later.. (January of 2002 to be exact)
my begging for love came to an end!

But you have played the harlot with many lovers;
“Yet return to Me”, says the Lord.
-Jeremiah 3:1

I learned I didn’t have to beg.
I learned I didn’t have to beautify my way to seek love.

The love I had always wanted was only found in the One who had created it and proved it the day He sent His One and only son to earth to die a bloody and horrific death.

John 15:13-
Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one’s life for his friends.

I John 4:19-
We love … because He first loved us.

And I have learned that there is NOTHING that I can do that can make Him love me any less.

Romans 8:39-
nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.

So why beg?
When you absolutely don’t have to.
The truth is this friend….
When Christ created you He created you with wonderful plans in mind. But the devil always has plans of his own as well.
Once we as women stand up and believe the truth that we don’t have to beautify our way to seek love.
We don’t have to beg for “love”. We will see more men rise up. Less girls allowing themselves to be used.
Because remember love that must be begged for is not truly love.

God gave up His only son willingly. For you. For me.

Think of it like this:
You were held captive alone and tormented. Afraid and abandoned.
No hope from being rescued from your horrible master.
But than a King from who knows where leaves all his majesty, all his comfort and riches to SEEK YOU!

Because that is REAL love!
**REAL LOVE SEEKS YOU.**

Why do you beautify your way to SEEK love?   -Jeremiah 2:33

Oh and to conclude that story …. That King finds you! And not only rescues you but also destroys ALL power of your once horrible master! Of him ever taking you captive again. Of him forcing you to do things unimaginable.

So of course you become mesmerized by this kings sacrificial love.

image

Well that is what Jesus has done for you. When He died that awful death on the cross.

He seeks you. But of course He is a gentleman and will not force Himself upon anyone.

He seeks and waits.
Ready to rescue you from your horrible tyrant of a master.
The devil.
Ready to destroy for good that road the devil has led you on. Or is about to lead you on.

Like my Bio states if the King had not or should I say if I hadn’t allowed him to rescue me that night in January of ’02.
Chances are that I would’ve went down that pathway the devil had for me. A road of unforgettable and tormenting memories.

When you realize you no longer have to beg for love. You no longer need to beautify your way to seek love. You will be free.

…but perfect love casts out all fear..
-1 John 4:18

And believe me when I say it’s a beautiful and humbling thing to finally be free!

image

With lots of love,
Songsofintimacy

Jeremiah 2:24-
Those who desire her don’t need to search, for she goes running to them!

————
photo credit: girl/afraid via photopin cc
photo credit: Send me adrift. via photopin cc
photo credit: http://beyondwaiting.com/2010/12/11/huggingbabyjesus/

Sexual Freedom-Multiple sex partners

Is sexual freedom really free?

Women are free to have sex with anyone they want.
Anytime they want.
Wherever they want.
“SEXUAL FREEDOM”.

But is it really “free” when it takes so much from you? When it robs you of so much. Whether you willingly give it or not. It WILL take from you.

Just stop and look around and you’ll notice countless of girls and women walking about…..that have had their dignity taken from them.
Their self-respect gone.
Their self-worth gone.
Their innocence, their purity, their softness even…GONE. ERASED. TAKEN. STOLEN. Most of the time given away freely by choice.
All in the name of “SEXUAL FREEDOM”.

I chose to give mine away at the age of 15.

My self-worth came from how much attention I could gather from the opposite sex.
It should’ve came directly from my father. Because that’s where I believe every girls self worth stems from. Begins from.
And well sadly I wasn’t given much attention from there.
But the longing was still there.
Inside me.
Just waiting to be fulfilled.
And since it didn’t come to me.
I went out searching for it on my own.
So…. when I was faced with the opportunity to finally gain some much needed attention…. Yup, you guessed it. I GAVE IN.
How many 15 yr old girls like me would’ve? How many DO.
Day after day after day.
And while I gained the attention I so desperately wanted my heart was in return losing so much.
My innocence gone.
My purity washed away.
My self-respect in the trash.
And little did I know at the time my self-worth was actually being torn to shreds.

I read this article and others about how having multiple sex partners actually makes young girls sad, depressed, and even suicidal.

And memories return of how I was unknowingly giving away the very essences that would’ve kept me content and safely on the road to happiness.
But instead I gave it up for short term “”love””, “fun”, and attention. And what was I left with?
Sadness.
Heartbreak. Which led to more sadness.
Depression. Which led to suicidal thoughts and feelings.
Yeah, all this at the tender age of only 16.

image

So what a lot of these young girls (and women) that are indulging themselves in “sexual freedom” don’t realize is that in reality IT ISN’T FREE!
IT DOES INDEED TAKE FROM YOU!
The Cost Is Terrible!

I’ve personally witnessed hearts torn, shattered, and bruised after they chose again and again and again to give their dignity away, their self-worth and self-respect away.
THIS IS REAL!!
And It’s happening around us every day!
Just stop awhile and look around. There she is. The girl that gives away her body night after night, party after party. Not because she’s a slut. But maybe because as she gives it up to some dude that is basking in the lust of it. She is in her own little world hoping that it will just quiet her hearts cry for love, attention, and self-worth.
But of course it WON’T!
IT NEVER DOES.
But sadly, she’ll continue trying. Again and again and again.
Same game. Only different faces.

And that my friend is the Multiple Sex Partner TRAP!

It’s so easy to fall into.
And once your in- it’ll strip you!
It’ll strip you of everything your heart truly is. The heart that God created and formed even before you were born.
It slowly chews away at it.
Leaving you feeling used.
Shamed. Disrespected.
Hardened. Calloused.
Bitter.
It’s an unbearable cycle almost like being on a merry-go-round that never stops spinning.

But there is a way out.
There is an escape route.

Jesus Christ made you to want love. To crave something more than what this world can offer and nothing in it can give you. So you would go after Him. So you would pursue Him for it. He has ALL you need. And He freely gives it! Now that is free. Because He already paid for it. He already paid for you.

HE ALREADY KNOWS YOUR WORTH!

You can finally stop searching! He’s right there. Just look up.
He hears your hearts cry.
He sees your souls longings.
And He says, Everything your searching for is in Me.

** Matthew 11:28-29 **
Jesus said, “Come to Me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. … Let Me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls.

Are you or someone you know tired of being hurt by this evil trap?
Tired of it using you, abusing you, and making you cry?
Some cry themselves to sleep.
Some run back to it over and over again.
And there’s probably girls and women that actually kill themselves when they realize that this trap never did and never will satisfy or fill the deep hole they have in their heart.

image

But believe me. There is a way out. I know because He rescued me.
He took my ashes. (The mess I made.) And in return He gave me back my dignity, my self-worth!
I learned self-respect again.
I learned what purity truly meant.
And I finally can say I know what love is. And I promise you won’t find it anywhere else.

So if your young or old and hungry for attention. Run to the One who freely gives it. And don’t join the Multiple Sex Partners Trap.

***

photo credit: Chapendra via photopin cc

photo credit: °]° via photopin cc

16 yrs old and 14 sex partners

Doctor: You have Chlamydia

16 yr old girl: blinks

Doctor: How many sex partners have you had?

Girl: In my lifetime?

Doctor: Yeah, Lets start with your lifetime.

Girl: Fourteen

Doctor: Do you use condoms?

Girl: Sometimes..

Doctor: How do you decide if your going to use a condom or not?

Girl: If it’s serious.

Doctor: How many serious relationships have you had?

Girl: Four
******************

For those of you wandering….Yes. This was an actual conversation between a doctor and patient.

I still remember
coming home that night after giving myself away for the first time.

https://songsofintimacy.wordpress.com/2013/05/08/things-dont-always-work-out-the-way-you-want-them-to/

image

Losing your virginity is giving yourself away. And that is what I did that night.
Only if I would’ve known I would regret that night for the rest of my life.
Sadly, chances are this girl will too one day. The nights she gave herself away.
Some might argue “she’s only experiencing” but what if we were meant to only give ourselves away to one person.

Chances are this young precious girl will continue to do what she’s been doing.
Unless she meets someone that cares. Someone that she feels really cares and loves her. Someone that she can trust.
Maybe that someone is you?
I was only 15 that night.
Looking back I had no one really that I could trust. Someone who could’ve shared with me the truth.
What truth?

That I was truly worth more!
That my heart would only take so much!
That giving away my body exchange for that feeling of love was not real!
That no matter how many boys told me or made me feel pretty, I would never deeply believe it untill I believed it!
And let’s be honest I didn’t.

I felt ugly.

I covered myself with a ridiculous amount of make-up.
Hoping and thinking That it would make me pretty. And at times it did the job. At least that’s what I believed. But the problem was it would only make me feel pretty/worthy for awhile but deep inside my heart I knew I wasn’t truly pretty.
I could have easily looked around me and quickly noticed all the really pretty girls and I knew I couldn’t compare.

So if I was that “someone” that had the opportunity to befriend that young precious girl.
I would share with her:
GOD most definitely has a plan and a destiny just for you.
And none of it weighs upon how much or how less you can compare with all those other girls.

Having sex with 2 boys or with 14 WILL NOT EVER cause you to deeply and wholeheartedly believe that you are beautiful!
Because your worth does NOT come from them!
Let’s say one day:
You alone painted a beautiful and magnificent picture.
But no one else seemed to think that it was indeed magnificent.
They looked at it as ordinary.
Did not pay much attention to it.
But one day here comes walking in the president of a top art museum.
Taking one glance at your art instantly WANTS it. And decides to buy it for millions.
At that point would it matter for a second what any of those other people “thought” about your drawing?

OF COURSE NOT!!

Well, your CREATOR created you beautiful and magnificent! Yes, some people may see you as just plain or ordinary. They may not see your worth and how beautiful and magnificent you truly are. But the King of kings, your Creator and Maker surly does!
He fashioned you perfectly.

Psalm 139:13-16 MSG:
Oh yes, You shaped me first inside, then out; You formed me in my mother’s womb.
I thank you, High God—You’re breathtaking!
*Body and soul, I am marvelously made!*
I worship in adoration—what a creation!
You know me inside and out, You know every bone in my body; You know exactly how I was made, bit by bit, how I was sculpted from nothing into something. Like an open book, you watched me grow from conception to birth; all the stages of my life were spread out before you, The days of my life all prepared before I’d even lived one day.

None of those boys can make you believe that you are beautiful and worthy!
Yes, maybe they can make you feel pretty for a little bit.
Or maybe make you feel accepted and wanted for a minute.
But at the end your heart will remain the same. Believing what it believed
in the beginning.
Because your worth does not and cannot come from them or from sex. Or from drugs. Or from alcohol. Or from anything else.

It can only come from the One who formed you and knew you even before you were conceived!

So maybe one reason why I came home that night after losing my virginity still feeling the same. Still broken. Still lonely.
Was because my heart remained the same.
You see you can share your body with any amount of boys you choose. Letting them inside your body.
But you can never let them inside your heart.

There’s only one being you can allow inside your heart and that’s Jesus Christ.
And once you do. You can realize how much worth you had the whole time.
Your worth NEVER lessened. It always remained the same.
It’s just that the only One who could make you believe that was the Only One who made you in the first place.
Your artist. Your Sculptor. GOD.

His love for you never runs out.

It can’t.

Your His workmanship.

Your His responsibility.

Don’t ever forget that friend.

Now go and find a precious girl you can share this with. They’re waiting.
Their hearts hungry. Thirsty. To believe so much more.

image

Photo credit: Michelle Brea / Foter / CC BY-NC-SA

photo credit: Brave Heart via photopin cc

Quit letting the devil pimp you

He uses you.
Always makes you do things you really don’t want to do.
You do them. And than eventually it becomes easier to do those things.

image

He walks beside you and flaunts you to the world. He loves to belittle you. Make you feel like your nothing. And tells you no one would want you if you left.

But than again he knows how to indulge you in your drug. The thing you crave the most. Attention.
One of the only things that make you feel powerful, in-control, and on top of the world.

No, I’m not talking about some pimp.
I’m talking about the prince of this world. The devil.

Just the other day I’m pretty sure I witnessed a pimp walking with his “girl”. And as I watched how the man walked with his head high with pride almost like he wanted the world to know that yes, he was indeed a pimp! And proud of it! It made me think: That girl is every one of us. And that “pimp” is just like the devil. When he owns us (before we come to Jesus) he is our pimp. And he sure is proud of it!

I can look back and remember never being pretty enough, or liked enough. I remember being bullied and picked on in high school. I also remember getting next to nothing when it came to attention from my dad. And Sadly, the times I do remember were when he was intoxicated.
So it wasn’t a big surprise when I gave myself away to one of the first boys that I believed liked me. (or like most teenagers tend to believe: “loved me”.)

This drug by the name of Attention really did make me feel happy, and good about myself. How could I resist a male actually willingly giving me attention!
It was awesome. I know now that I would’ve done anything for this “drug”.
At just the age of 15 I had decided I wanted to be a stripper.
What young girl in her RIGHT mind decides that??

I read an article just the other day about young teen girls willingly entering the sex trade. Really?
Girls willing to exchange something so very precious for something so profane and twisted.

The officals that have seen this believe some of it comes from pimps being glorified in the media.
“It’s glorified now to be a pimp, you look at the TV shows, ‘Pimp my Ride.’ Pimp this, pimp, it’s in songs, everything is pimp, pimp, pimp, and so when these guys do that, you’ve got these screwed up girls who don’t know any better and they’ll think that it’s cool and they’ll hang out with them …..
-( http://www.lifesitenews.com/mobile/news/inside-the-sex-trade-new-study-exposes-the-economics-and-societal-trends-be )

It saddened me.
But as some may ask what kind of girl would do that?
I thought to myself, I Would’ve.

I don’t believe these girls sign up to be pimped because they are sick or dirty.

And for a moment there it was like I knew why. Not because I had ever done it. But because I believe, that if God hadn’t saved me when I was 16, chances are I would have.

Why?
Because I was a hurting, broken, messed up, lonely teenager?
I don’t think so.

But maybe because…
I loved the feeling of attention that I could get from the opposite sex.
And Because..
to me sex equaled true love.
And Because..
Deep deep inside of me I was just looking for a man to replace my father.

I thanked God for saving me when He did.
Perfect timing.
I think (because I’ll never really know) that maybe that was what the devil had for me. For my life.
First a stripper. Later a porn worker. (I won’t say porn star since that makes it sound glamoures). Which it of course isn’t!

The thief comes only to steal, kill and destroy. John 10:10

I’ll never know but maybe that’s why God saved me so young.
He knew what the devil wanted for my life.

Sadly, I probably would have signed up to be used, abused, belittled, and made to believe I was nothing.

I wander maybe that is why I have such a heart and compassion for girls that are involved and/or make a living being a stripper, porn worker, or a victim of the sex trade.
I’ll never really know how it feels to be one of those girls.

BUT I do know how it feels BEFORE they become one of “those” girls.

I’ll be forever thankful that He saved me and rescued me before I actually might have walked into that lifestyle.

And I’ll continue to pray for the girls trapped in that life. And pray that God would allow us to cross paths so I may share God’s unfailing love with them. And pray they respond.

***

But I also know that every one of us is being pimped or has been.
By the devil.
He uses us and the sad thing is we let him.
Jesus replied, “I tell you the truth, everyone who sins is a slave of sin. John 8:34
If only we would see it for what it really is. We would be disgusted.

The way he disrespects men.
The way he humiliates women.

But you can say good bye to this pimp for good.

Say this prayer aloud:
Jesus, I want freedom.
And I know it only comes from You.
Please break the devil’s power and hold on my life. You are the Son Of God. And I want to be Your child.
Forgive me for all the times I’ve allowed the devil to use me. I will no longer be his tool but I choose to be a vessal for honor.
In Jesus Name, Amen.

Therefore if the Son makes you free, you shall be free indeed.
John 8:36

*The Lord your God is with you. 
He is a hero who saves you.
He happily rejoices over you,  renews you with his love, and celebrates over you with shouts of joy.
Zephaniah 3:17

Don’t let the devil pimp you.

photo credit: dualdflipflop via photopin cc