Suicide almost killed me

I still remember the nights.
The times I would think about suicide.

I wanted to end it all.
I was only 15.

I had already lost my virginity when I started having these thoughts.

A girls virginity does a lot to her worth weather she knows it or not.

I remember being at a place where I would’ve done anything for validation and admiration.
It’s an ugly place to be
.

I believe we constantly try so many dead ends to fulfill our broken hearts.
We want to be wanted. And when we realize that we are not wanted always.
We throw ourselves out there.
We post disrespectful pictures of ourselves online.
Girls dress in ways that scream out, “PLEASE WANT ME”!
Some very lonely ones become strippers/escorts/Web cam girls all for the desire to be validated and admired.
Because for some strange reason women have fallen for the big lie that attention equals all of the above.
But sadly when they reach the peak. They learn the sad truth. It was all a mirage.

I was just a teen girl when the suicidal thoughts began. But even so young I felt lied to. Attention wasn’t enough! I tried the boyfriends. I tried sex. I was still depressed. Still heartbroken. Still so alone.
What was the remedy? Was there even one?

I still don’t know why I never actually succumbed to suicide. I know one thing for sure though. 15 years later I am so very thankful I didn’t..

Now that my heart has been restored and fulfilled with a true satisfying love I hurt for all those still searching.
That is why escorts, prostitutes, and porn girls exist because theirs too many humans walking around with their souls screaming out for pure love.

We were created for relationship so it’s no wander that we hunger for relationships. No wander so many go to extreme measures all for the sake of relationships . To be wanted. To be liked. To be “loved”. To be sought after.

And so it’s no surprise that it was in a relationship that I found everything my soul and heart had been screaming out for. A true relationship with God. I say true because I’m not talking religion.
My heart had finally found the One who had created it. And it was there that I let out a huge sigh of relief.
Pure love existed!? Yes. Yes. Yes. A thousand times. YES!
And I promise you it is more beautiful and whole than you can ever imagine.
I pray friend you experience it for yourself; if you haven’t already.

For this Love was powerful enough to crush my fears. Even powerful enough to overcome the suicidal thoughts once and for all.
And that dear friend is… worth it all.

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They show you their ‘goods’ just for a moment of feeling wanted..

I saw a photo yesterday that made me think. Deeply.

It was a picture of a beautiful woman.
Except she was almost naked and she was one of those Webcam girls.
You know the ones that show you all their “goods” just for a moment of feeling wanted.

That is what hit me.
I didn’t look at that girl with disdain or frustration. It was like God showed me what was really going on.
And it was this:

Every human has a desire to be wanted. That’s just the way God made us. After His own image.
Because even God desires you to want Him.

So we as humans do things that make us feel wanted. Why do u think girls become strippers & men become addicted to porn?
It makes them feel wanted.

I actually explained all this to my husband right after and he sat there and listened to me. He stared at me when I was done with an almost reverent look. I knew he knew it to be true.

I explained to him that is why a girl will become a stripper. Because while she is up there dancing she can; even if it’s for 10 mins, believe she is wanted. Her heart whispers “I am wanted”.

And the men watching porn. They can believe that they are also wanted by so many different “big busted sexy babes”.
It doesn’t matter at that momemt who rejected them in the past because at that moment they are wanted. Or so they convince themselves. And as they “believe” that, his heart whispers, “I am wanted”.

So why would a man give up porn if it causes them to feel that way? To feel accepted and wanted. Even if it’s just for 10 mins or an hour.

Let me tell you the desire to be wanted is not bad or wrong in itself. Because God Himself desires us to want Him.
I believe all the little things that God chooses to do for us is all an attempt for us to want Him. That is our hearts cry.
That is why I believe we as humans search out all kinds of things to feel wanted. We search for love in all the wrong places. We search for acceptance in so many vain persuits.

We wander why we feel more alone after and don’t realize that the One who created us is waiting to feel wanted from us also.

God put that emotion inside us to draw us to Him. But instead so many times we let it push us further from Him.

The thing is when your heart hurts after so much rejection…your willing to sacrifice anything to replace that hurt w/ some kind of peace. Even if it is a temporary peace.

As a teen girl I longed to be as far away from rejection as possible. I was sick of rejection from so many.
From not ever being pretty enough for any boy to not being noticed from my very own dad. My heart was in shreds. There seemed to be no cure for this ache I deeply had. Or so I thought. And those four words right there changed my life. I was running after so many empty dead-ends. I know now my desire to become a dancer was just a hopeless attempt to fill that hole I had to be wanted. And I know now that being in porn was just going to leave me more alone than I ever could’ve imagined.

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All I really needed was something to satisfy the lonely ache I had inside me. Something I believe we all want.
Let me tell you I am proof that there is something out there that most definitely does satisfy that urge we all hold.

Believe me when I say that I know that to be true because if not I would not be writing this. I would be in a strip club somewhere. Or staring in pornography. Or even…. dead.

I came home one night and fell on my knees in my bedroom. Yes, I was tired of searching. Tired of aching. So tired of the hellish crys of just wanting to be wanted.

I guess you can say that night I finally wanted God. I desperately wholeheartedly wanted God. And I felt Him that night more real than I had ever.
It wasn’t until I truly wanted God. That I realized how much He had wanted me all along. How much He had called out to me many times before.

I never understood up to then how much God had wanted me. He had been on a search of His own. For me. I had been trying to find something or someone to fill that empty hole in my heart when God had been coming after me all along.
Because you see friend you are the only thing that truly satisfies God.

He wants us to want Him.

It’s as simple as that.

I pray you understand that your search to just be wanted can be over. Mine did. Once I realized who wanted me above all else. And once you come to know that, it will not matter who doesn’t want you. Because you will have found the missing piece. The cure for your ache. You will finally know that you had always been wanted.
That’s the beauty of it all…that we are wanted not because of what we have to offer. But because of who we are.
No fronts. No masks. No lies.

So next time you notice one of those Webcam girls on your twitter. Or hear a story of how a friend of a friend is addicted to pornography.
Remember the’re searching. They are all just searching. And the saddest thing of it all is if only they knew that the One thing their searching for is really searching for them.
Waiting just waiting to be wanted by them.

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photo credit: Why did you leave me…..?? via photopin (license)

Satan wants to destroy their innocence so he can destroy their future

I recently listened to two different stories on video. One of a former porn star and the other of a former homosexual male porn star.
Both were amazing miracles of what God can do in anyone’s life.

I believe God has a plan for everyone.

Our minds are created to believe that there IS something more.
More than just pleasuring ourselves.
More than just the physical.

Many may not want it but EVERYONE is searching for it. For what?
For true peace.
Real love.
True intimacy.

It hurts so much to see innocent children grow up and become something that they never would’ve chosen or even dreamed about when they were let’s say 4 or 5 years old.
That is why I believe that the devil goes after children so hard. He knows if he can destroy their innocence…it will be that much easier to destroy their future. God’s future for them.

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The devil had horrendous plans for my life. Plans that I thought were what I wanted. Plans that I would’ve chosen because of what my childhood had taught me.
We are only molds of what are childhood shape us into.
But of course we all have that choice once we are adults to allow God to break that mold and rebuild a new one.
It's not easy by no means. But it is a journey worth beginning.

Every person has a story they carry.
I sincerely love to hear stories of molds that God broke through. Or what He saved them from. Whatever that may have been.
Homosexuality, pornography, abuse, depression, suicide attempts. Etc.

I know personally for myself my story would have been on that list for sure.

If you are on a path that you wholeheartedly believe your 4 or 5 year old self would NOT be proud of. Would not have chosen. Than just know that your story does not have to end where your at.
Yes Christ saved me from escorting, becoming a stripper, and being in porn. And because of that my story changed.

I now live a life that my young innocent self would have desired.
I am a mom. A wife. Just a normal girl with a simple life. But…
I know peace.
I know what real love is.
I know what true intimacy feels like.
And let me tell you it’s amazing.

If you have a story share it.
I’m only brave enough to share mine for the hope that it encourages and helps one.

All I know is that if I had never allowed God to rebuild and restore me. You probably would’ve met me in some strip club or in some porn video online.
Oh the power in God’s love.
That He is more than willing to rid us of all the ugliness and stains that cover us. To give us a destiny. To speak promises over us. To heal our hearts from all the despicable memories that do us much harm.
Oh a love like that I choose to give up all for.
I pray you would too.

It is what you were created for.

A letter to a fatherless child

First of all Happy late Father’s Day to all you daddies out there!
I hope you all enjoyed your days!

But for those out there that had no one to wish Happy Father’s Day to. Or more sadly, maybe you did but he’s one of those “there but NOT there” kinda dad’s….
This is for you:

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Dear child,
It’s Okay to weep. It’s Okay to cry. It’s Okay to be angry at times. It’s Okay to stop and wonder what it would’ve been like if you had grown up with a very present father.
I wonder. And than I hear and read stories like these. And my heart does sadden a bit. Because what if my dad had been there for me. What if your father had really and truly been there for you.?
Would we have grown up differently?
Maybe.
Oh Yes, it would have been such a wonderful thing to have had him to love us, to hear him tell me that I was beautiful and worthy of love or respect.
And I’m not gonna lie….it does kinda suck that my own dad is still not there for me. He’s still a “there but not there” kinda dad.

I wish the memories I have of my father wouldn’t have to be the nights he came home drunk. The many days spent with him sitting on the living room couch drinking himself away.
I wish I could say my memories were of my dad tucking me in at night, or reading me a bedtime story.

But I can’t say that all my memories are bad though. Because they’re not and I am thankful for those. Like the time he carried me on his back while we went for a walk. Or the almost faded memory of I holding onto him, standing on his shoes as he tried to walk around with me. 🙂

I have to say that I am very glad I at least had a dad around. And believe me it took me awhile to actually say and believe that.

But I realize now that my dad was in fact just a wounded man that actually had NO IDEA how to be a father. (And again it took me a long time to realize that also).
I found out His own father was a mean and cruel man. (Go figure).
That once even his own dad tried to kill him. .. And on and on.

But long story short. I came to forgive my dad.
Yes. I forgave him. It wasn’t easy.
But the freedom that came with that decision was mindblowing and beautiful! A day I will never forget.

I truly believe that many issues men and women deal with everyday are linked to a fatherless home.
((Read below))
I’m sorry you had no very present father. But know this that God is the Father to the fatherless.
-(Psalm 68:5)

And He does hear the crys of the fatherless!
-(Job 29:19)

Search out your heavenly Father and you WILL find everything you’ve ever searched for in a father.
And I know you can’t see Him now but I promise one day you will!!
And all your pain and awful memories will be gone.

You don’t have to seek your daddies love in anyone else. It won’t be found there. Your search can finally be over.

Love,
A once fatherless daughter

**Watch Father’s Love Letter:
http://youtu.be/NLzlnvPFJS4

** https://songsofintimacy.wordpress.com/2013/08/06/all-she-ever-really-wanted-was-a-daddy/

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**Ready for this:
Statistics:

■63% of youth suicides are from fatherless homes
(US Dept. Of Health/Census) – 5 times the average.

■90% of all homeless and runaway children are from fatherless homes – 32 times the average.

■85% of all children who show behavior disorders come from fatherless homes – 20 times the average.  (Center for Disease Control)

■80% of rapists with anger problems come from fatherless homes –14 times the average.  (Justice & Behavior, Vol 14, p. 403-26)

■71% of all high school dropouts come from fatherless homes – 9 times the average.  (National Principals Association Report

■85% of all youths in prison come from fatherless homes.

● Daughters of single parents without a Father involved are 711% more likely to have children as teenagers, 164% more likely to have a pre-marital birth and 92% more likely to get divorced themselves!

■43% of US children live without their father [US Department of Census]

■90% of homeless and runaway children are from fatherless homes.

■■80% of rapists motivated with displaced anger come from fatherless homes

●Studies on parent-child relationships and child wellbeing show that father love is an important factor in predicting the social, emotional, and cognitive development and functioning of children and young adults.

■■24 million children (34 percent) live absent their biological father.
■Nearly 20 million children (27 percent) live in single-parent homes.
http://thefatherlessgeneration.wordpress.com/statistics/

Father’s don’t believe for once that your job is insignificant.
Lead like Christ and you can’t go wrong.

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photo credit: Stephen Poff via photopin cc
photo credit: CarbonNYC via photopin cc
photo credit: Daniel Rocal via photopin cc

Being lonely sucks…but maybe it doesn’t always have to

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She knew deep inside of her that it wasn’t what she truly wanted…..
She knew she’d wake up in the morning feeling regret.
Feeling shame.
But she just wanted love.

And everytime she gave herself away to some new guy…the shame and regret the next morning was almost too much to carry. But her need and desire for real love overpowered her way to quickly.
Even if the love lasted for 20 minutes, an hour, or a day. It seemed enough to satisfy her. But the loneliness always returned.

Until she met him.

Oh he was super fine. Everything all in one package. He just swept her off her feet.
She just knew he was the one.
She knew now she would finally put to rest that voice in her head. She knew she would finally be able to tell her dead daddy goodbye.
But as she had heard once before…all good things must come to an end. It did.

Her loneliness choking her half to death.
She ran back to him over and over again.
It was like no matter what he did… she needed him. He was her drug that numbed all her pain. When she was with him… she was on top of the world. But his messing around on her and his cocky attitudes and his arrogance and all his immature ways were just not enough for her to leave. It was almost like an addiction.

NOT to him.
To the “love” she felt .
The feeling of being WANTED.
The feeling of being NEEDED.
The feeling of being showered with ATTENTION.
Even though it was always, always short-lived.

What if someone had told her she was WORTH so much more.
What if someone had told her that she wasn’t a whore. Or any other disrespecting name that people seem to call each other to hurt and injure them.
What if her daddy had ben a good man and a good father. One that was home more and actually cared for her.
What if that “super fine” man she had honestly believed was the one had never shattered her heart. What if he had been the one. The one to heal her heart. The one to bandage her festering wound.
He wasn’t and he didn’t.

But she did finally walk away from his dirty ways.
And she never went back!

Because years later she had found the Healer. WelL….. He found her…
He found her hiding in darkness.
Wallowing in her past.
Suffocating on the desire to be WANTED, NEEDED, LOVED.
And He gently called to her in the most comforting voice she had ever heard….
He quieted the demon voice inside her.
The lies broken.
Than came the moment she let go… and forgave …her father. The voice blown out.
For good.

Yes, the scar was still there. But from this moment on she would NO longer pick at it!
Sigh
She would allow it to ..HEAL.

And let Him guide her
Pursue her.
For all along He had WANTED her.
But she hadn’t heard His voice… she hadn’t been able to..not until she had allowed her loneliness to draw her to Him.

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