Dear Husband

Dear Husband,
Looking back, I can almost tell you when the affects of your porn watching/adultery and fantasy began. Because that is when it “all” began.
I no longer was good enough. And I don’t think you even noticed it because neither did I. But so began my own journey. To become the best wife and mom I could be.
I read books, I prayed, cried out to God. And through that process, God did transform me. He showed me things and areas in my life that only He could. I was set free from many “demons” in my heart and life. I became stronger. Less selfish. Amazingly so.
Little did I know. God was making me stronger in ways that would ultimately help me to stay sane, forgive you, and keep loving you after the discovery of your porn problem. I had finally made it so far into my journey of transformation in becoming a very good wife and mom through my eyes. And I believe
through the eyes of God as well.
But unfortunately and sadly not through your eyes. When I found the pornography on your phone. Initially I was shocked. There was no way a man so pure, so godly, so close to God or so I thought would be watching that. And even after you confessed that it was in fact yours. I unbelievably searched for ways that it could have been okay for you to watch it. Because after all you were the righteous one.
But of course not. There was no righteous motive for it.
While I was on ‘my’ journey to become a better wife to you, you had been pleasuring yourself with many other women that your wife could never compare to. No wander I wasn’t good enough. No wander I just couldn’t make you happy. No matter how much I tried. I know now that it hadn’t been my job to make you happy. And that as long as you continued to watch all those “perfect” women being sabotaged to all those cruel and abusive acts. I would NEVER be enough to satisfy you. But through it all, yes, I forgave you. For my kids. For myself. And because of God’s beautiful and amazing grace. Your motives became pure. WE fought for our marriage. You said you gave up the porn/adultery . You proved it to me. I believed that we were going to be okay. I became God’s grace, mercy, and love to you. And through that you became stronger. You became loving again. And oh how you showed me that I was enough. Even though I now know I always have been enough. Because my worth came from God. But somewhere in there, you forgot. I know now that it had to have been because the deep issues inside you hadn’t been dealt with. There was no one who had been through it at that time that could have told you that just because a man no longer watches porn does not necessarily mean he’s free. And little did we both know. You were not free. Yes, you went to church. You payed your tithes. You were even a Bible study leader. But you were not free. But I continued to shower grace and forgiveness because I believed that’s all that was needed. I know now the triggers, anger, attacks, and you withholding affection were all signs that the initial wound and issues that caused you to pave your way to pornography/adultery were blaring and still so alive inside you. And no amount of my forgiveness could heal you. So honestly, it came to me as no surprise when you confessed that you had committed adultery again. This time I was wiser, stronger, and braver. I knew it wasn’t my fault. I knew I could have been the most beautiful, the best anything and you could’ve still chosen porn/adultery/betrayal.

Perhaps because that god is easier to worship and please. Maybe because you can stay wounded, sick, and in your lies. Because that god doesn’t demand change. That god allows you to sulk, manipulate, and even abuse to get your way.

But this time around I will not allow my forgiveness to enable you like I believe it has in times past. I have chosen to put up boundaries. Not only for my sake and healing. But because I love you.
I love you enough to see you healed

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That nasty festering wound so deep inside you to be healed. To be repaired. To be fixed. Not for the present. But for the long run. For the future. For your sake.
Because that is what grace does. It loves us too much to leave us the same way. I realize I cannot love you to healing. You will have to want it for yourself. So bad. For too long I tried. I gave in to your sulking. I gave in to your manipulations. I allowed myself to become trapped in a vicious cycle. Because I believed that is what God wanted me to do. At the end of the day all I ever wanted was to please God. But now God has shown me. He has spoken to me.
And so what if, you couldn’t see the truth. The truth that you need help. The truth that you need healing for those deep scary issues that are hiding and lurking so deep inside you…. because I believed that you would see them through me just loving and forgiving you every time your warning signs went off. I see now that God does indeed forgive us but many times there is consequences to our ‘sins’ we choose to continue to go back to. And I refuse to no longer just allow your ‘sin’. Or should I say your wounds to bleed onto me, your wife, and onto and into our children. I don’t know what you will choose. It scares me to think you may choose your comfort over the journey of transformation. But know I will no longer cover up. I will no longer allow myself to be manipulated. I will no longer allow to be emotionally abused. I will no longer stay quiet in the hope to be that “perfect, godly wife”. While watching you slowly dig yourself deeper into the sickness that will eventually destroy you completely. No, I choose to speak up so you can be made whole again. So you can become the man I know is still somewhere inside you. I pray you choose the help you need, For your kids, But ultimately for yourself. God has let me know He will care for me and take care of me no matter what you choose. And it is because of that peace that I am able to love you enough to say choose recovery, choose healing, choose help. Because by choosing that. You choose your family. You choose your future with us in it.
I love you. I love us. I love our happy memories. But I refuse to sit and watch this door that was opened when you were so innocent, so many years ago to continue to beat you down with us in it. I love you too much to watch you pass those same wounds onto our kids. I know you probably don’t see or understand what I’m talking about. But that is just the proof that you do need help.
You cannot continue to do it alone.
I will never stop praying for you. No matter what you choose.
Love,
Your Wife
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14 yrs ago I said bye forever! No turning back

14 years ago I said bye to boys breaking my heart.
14 yrs ago I turned my back to all the lies I had fell for.
14 yrs ago I kicked the devil in the face when God demolished the devils plans and brutal, violent, merciless path he had for me all along.
Because 14 yrs ago I stood up firmly and became a daughter of the King.

I had to write a little something about the most amazing, miraculous experience that has happened to me.

If you are an active reader to my blog you already know what God saved me from. ( If not please check out some of my other posts)!
So I won’t get into too much of that.
But I will say that no one and I mean NO ONE could ever cause me to deny what happened that night 14 years ago.

Today I was entranced with the fact that it was exactly 14 years ago that I was rescued from a soon to be wicked and vulgar lifestyle.

I actually attended church service tonight. The same church where I was invited that same week I cried out to God.
I felt extremely humbled. Here I was 14 years prior a foolish young teenager with grossly immoral plans for her life when God decides to intervene.

What makes this day much more powerful now then let’s say years before is because now I truly know where I would be and how I would be living(if even still alive) if not for that transforming holy night!

You see I was like your ordinary teen girl. Loving boy’s attention. And trying to get it anyway I could.
And the heartbreaking thing was.. I was actually on my way to doing everything to get that attention.

Let me say that there are NO words that could’ve described my heart today.
To know where I should be compared to where I am now blows me completely away.

Wholeheartedly I believe I would most probably be dead by now.
Like my other posts reveal. The shame and regret eating at my heart would’ve led me to take my very own life.

So this post was just a thank you and reflection of the 14 years of soundness and wholeness I have truly experienced.

14 years ago I experienced my heart being put together.
Little by little.
But miraculously nonetheless!

14 years ago I finally let go of a lifestyle that would’ve without question led me to a real hell.

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I probably would’ve put a gun to my head

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This morning I prayed. And as I sat there on my living room floor I pondered. ….

If you have read some of my other postings you know that God saved me as a young teen girl. I may have been just a young teenager but this young girl already had many plans for her life. Destructive plans. Plans that I now look back and shudder at the thought of what would have become of me if my plans would’ve come to pass. And a question I have thought to myself and asked many times is: Why did God save me before I was totally immersed in the lifestyle I had thought I wanted.So as I sat there musing and talking openly to God. It hit me. Well, it was just a thought but it was almost as if I could feel the truth in it.

I don’t think I would’ve made it out alive.

I sincerely believe I PROBABLY WOULD’VE PUT A GUN TO MY HEAD and pulled the trigger.

I told God all this with tears.

I said God you saved me before perhaps because YOU knew I wouldn’t have made it out alive.

He had so much mercy on me that He called out to me that night as a lonely teenager.

But even though He called. It doesn’t mean I had to have listened.

I could have walked away from Him.

I could have ignored Him.

I could have yelled out to Him in anger instead. Cursing Him for allowing me to go through all that I had gone through up to that point.

But I didn’t.

Oh Thank God I didn’t!

And believe me when I say I don’t think I would’ve put a gun to my head and pulled the trigger simply because “I’m weak”. Or because I just “couldn’t have handled it”. No. I mean yes. Maybe I would’ve been weak. Maybe I would have got to that point where I just couldn’t have handled it anymore. But I believe the real reason I would have pulled that trigger is because of all the SHAME, all the REGRET, and hopelessness I KNOW I would have experienced and felt!

I know I probably would have looked back at my life and wondered where in the world did I go wrong? I know I would have remembered all the times as a little girl that I would run to the back of the shed in my backyard to read my Bible. I know I would have remembered the times I went to church as a young girl and KNEW deep inside that was what life was all about. Worshiping my Creator. I would’ve looked back and remember listening to my mom say her prayers. And as I pulled the trigger I would’ve believed with all my heart that I deserved every ounce of shame.

I would’ve died an empty soul.

Callous, hard, and numb.

But deep inside just truly sad, desperate for real love, and fighting demons that had been assigned to me since childhood.

So I sat there thankful, and in awe of God’s mercy and grace. I cried tears of joy and appreciation that I would never know that day. The day I probably would’ve pulled the trigger.

Thank You Father for saving me. For rescuing me. You seen what could’ve been and you chose to reach out to me that night. You made yourself so real.

I pray You also make Yourself real to all those that are crying out to You today.

Amen.

If God is calling out to you today…please don’t ignore Him. Please don’t push Him away.

You never know what he may be trying to save you from.

Lots Of Love,

SongsOfIntimacy

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photo credit: Hand Model via photopin (license)