Dear Husband

Dear Husband,
Looking back, I can almost tell you when the affects of your porn watching/adultery and fantasy began. Because that is when it “all” began.
I no longer was good enough. And I don’t think you even noticed it because neither did I. But so began my own journey. To become the best wife and mom I could be.
I read books, I prayed, cried out to God. And through that process, God did transform me. He showed me things and areas in my life that only He could. I was set free from many “demons” in my heart and life. I became stronger. Less selfish. Amazingly so.
Little did I know. God was making me stronger in ways that would ultimately help me to stay sane, forgive you, and keep loving you after the discovery of your porn problem. I had finally made it so far into my journey of transformation in becoming a very good wife and mom through my eyes. And I believe
through the eyes of God as well.
But unfortunately and sadly not through your eyes. When I found the pornography on your phone. Initially I was shocked. There was no way a man so pure, so godly, so close to God or so I thought would be watching that. And even after you confessed that it was in fact yours. I unbelievably searched for ways that it could have been okay for you to watch it. Because after all you were the righteous one.
But of course not. There was no righteous motive for it.
While I was on ‘my’ journey to become a better wife to you, you had been pleasuring yourself with many other women that your wife could never compare to. No wander I wasn’t good enough. No wander I just couldn’t make you happy. No matter how much I tried. I know now that it hadn’t been my job to make you happy. And that as long as you continued to watch all those “perfect” women being sabotaged to all those cruel and abusive acts. I would NEVER be enough to satisfy you. But through it all, yes, I forgave you. For my kids. For myself. And because of God’s beautiful and amazing grace. Your motives became pure. WE fought for our marriage. You said you gave up the porn/adultery . You proved it to me. I believed that we were going to be okay. I became God’s grace, mercy, and love to you. And through that you became stronger. You became loving again. And oh how you showed me that I was enough. Even though I now know I always have been enough. Because my worth came from God. But somewhere in there, you forgot. I know now that it had to have been because the deep issues inside you hadn’t been dealt with. There was no one who had been through it at that time that could have told you that just because a man no longer watches porn does not necessarily mean he’s free. And little did we both know. You were not free. Yes, you went to church. You payed your tithes. You were even a Bible study leader. But you were not free. But I continued to shower grace and forgiveness because I believed that’s all that was needed. I know now the triggers, anger, attacks, and you withholding affection were all signs that the initial wound and issues that caused you to pave your way to pornography/adultery were blaring and still so alive inside you. And no amount of my forgiveness could heal you. So honestly, it came to me as no surprise when you confessed that you had committed adultery again. This time I was wiser, stronger, and braver. I knew it wasn’t my fault. I knew I could have been the most beautiful, the best anything and you could’ve still chosen porn/adultery/betrayal.

Perhaps because that god is easier to worship and please. Maybe because you can stay wounded, sick, and in your lies. Because that god doesn’t demand change. That god allows you to sulk, manipulate, and even abuse to get your way.

But this time around I will not allow my forgiveness to enable you like I believe it has in times past. I have chosen to put up boundaries. Not only for my sake and healing. But because I love you.
I love you enough to see you healed

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That nasty festering wound so deep inside you to be healed. To be repaired. To be fixed. Not for the present. But for the long run. For the future. For your sake.
Because that is what grace does. It loves us too much to leave us the same way. I realize I cannot love you to healing. You will have to want it for yourself. So bad. For too long I tried. I gave in to your sulking. I gave in to your manipulations. I allowed myself to become trapped in a vicious cycle. Because I believed that is what God wanted me to do. At the end of the day all I ever wanted was to please God. But now God has shown me. He has spoken to me.
And so what if, you couldn’t see the truth. The truth that you need help. The truth that you need healing for those deep scary issues that are hiding and lurking so deep inside you…. because I believed that you would see them through me just loving and forgiving you every time your warning signs went off. I see now that God does indeed forgive us but many times there is consequences to our ‘sins’ we choose to continue to go back to. And I refuse to no longer just allow your ‘sin’. Or should I say your wounds to bleed onto me, your wife, and onto and into our children. I don’t know what you will choose. It scares me to think you may choose your comfort over the journey of transformation. But know I will no longer cover up. I will no longer allow myself to be manipulated. I will no longer allow to be emotionally abused. I will no longer stay quiet in the hope to be that “perfect, godly wife”. While watching you slowly dig yourself deeper into the sickness that will eventually destroy you completely. No, I choose to speak up so you can be made whole again. So you can become the man I know is still somewhere inside you. I pray you choose the help you need, For your kids, But ultimately for yourself. God has let me know He will care for me and take care of me no matter what you choose. And it is because of that peace that I am able to love you enough to say choose recovery, choose healing, choose help. Because by choosing that. You choose your family. You choose your future with us in it.
I love you. I love us. I love our happy memories. But I refuse to sit and watch this door that was opened when you were so innocent, so many years ago to continue to beat you down with us in it. I love you too much to watch you pass those same wounds onto our kids. I know you probably don’t see or understand what I’m talking about. But that is just the proof that you do need help.
You cannot continue to do it alone.
I will never stop praying for you. No matter what you choose.
Love,
Your Wife

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Memories that could kill..

Do you have memories that still haunt you?
Or maybe not haunt but ones that try to pop their head up from time to time.

And every time they do….they always bring shame regret, and guilt along with them.
And you find yourself wallowing in the same pain, the same hurt, the same lies of the past.

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The weight is so heavy at times that it seems as if there is a huge brick on the back of your head.
And this brick causes you to walk with your head down as the memories re-play in your mind.

You wish you could go back.
Maybe re-do a few things. OR erase a lot of things.

But what’s done has been done.

We all have our own bundle of unhappy and at times tormenting memories that hide deep within us.

The ones that don’t leave us alone. The ones that take us back to that very moment or day.
The ones that make us question “what was I thinking”?!

Personally for me its been almost 13 years but I can still remember the nights….
The nights I thought of suicide.
And Ending it all.
Thinking no, Believing that it would end all my pain, hurt, and heartbreak.

I remember the night I knew that I knew I could’ve been raped.

I remember the night I looked out the window and prayed “GOD, GET ME OUT OF THIS”!

I remember the nights I chose to give myself away so cheaply. Mistaking it for love and acceptance.

Times that I chose to get involved or taste things I should’ve never!

Memories that have been burned into us so deeply. That sometimes
we begin to believe all the lies again.

That it doesn’t matter how far you’ve come. That it doesn’t matter that you’ve changed.
Or worse: that your still the same person. You’ve never changed and you never will.
Your worthless!
Your dirty!
You’ll never amount to anything!
It would’ve been better if you had never been born!

And as you sink into that ocean of lies you hear depression knocking. You feel suicide wanting to invite itself over once more.

But in the midst of it all.
He whispers. You hear it but the lies try so hard to drown it out!
He calls you by name.

Isaiah 43:1
But now, thus says the Lord , who created you, .. And He who formed you, .. “Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by your name; You are Mine.

Forgiveness is a beautiful thing.
Especially when you realize your the one needing it.

Many times people say “Well, I can forgive but will never forget”.
But there is One who actually forgives AND forgets!

Psalm 103:12
As far as the east is from the west, So far has He removed our transgressions from us.

Micah 9:17
You will trample our sins under your feet and throw them into the depths of the ocean!

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There is nothing more amazing than knowing that all our wrongs, all our past can be washed away.

So what if you woke up one day and believed with all that is in you that you had been forgiven. That all the memories that would love to haunt you forever were just exactly that. Memories.
Long gone forgiven memories!
Now I know that some memories are far from forgetting when you actually have to live with the ‘consequences’ or viable evidence every single day.
But it doesn’t mean it hasn’t been forgiven.

I recently read a MIND-BLOWING testimony!!!
Of Annie Lobert a survivor of more than a decade of sex trafficking-working as an exotic dancer and a high-class escort.

In her testimony she talks about the memories. That would haunt her. She even began having terrible nightmares.

The past can be an ugly thing. Especially when it knows we haven’t let it go. It would want nothing more than to cling to us, to the core of our hearts till death.

So bring your past…..lay it down. And watch as He throws it all into the sea of forgetfulness.

Yes, my memories are still there….deep deep down below somewhere.
BUT now I use them you could say as a weapon!
Because I use a lot of them now to share with others how amazing the power of forgiveness really is. Like the times when I meet those young 14/15/16 year old girls that are walking on that road I once did.

I have the privilege to share some of those memories with them.. all in the name of just letting them know they are NOT alone and never will be. That NO matter their past.. it can be washed away!
And the best part.. that they too can one day use it to encourage others that your past does not have to represent who you are now.
THAT WHAT WAS MEANT FOR EVIL GOD USES FOR GOOD!

That your bruised past, and all of those haunting memories unfortunately may not ever be erased from our memories but they can be *forgiven*. Oh so beautifully forgiven.
And Yes, even used for good.

Genesis 50:20
You intended to harm me, but God intended it all for good. He brought me to this position so I could save the lives of many people.

**You see sharing our experiences (our memories) with others CAN indeed save their lives!

Those memories are intended to destroy and harm you. BUT I promise GOD has other plans!

Friend let Him wash it all away.
And than you too can feel and witness the freedom that comes with it!

And if your like me and believe with all your heart that it has been washed away and forgotten. But you still at time struggle. Take it to God, pour out your soul before Him. He’s there beside you.
Believe that He now calls you worthy, spotless, blameless, and righteous.
Because now.. you are free.

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* * * * * * * * *
Listen to this song:
Blameless By Dara Maclean And allow God to restore you.

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

photo credit: Silvia Sala via photopin cc
photo credit: -Reji via photopin cc
photo credit: hippydream [is busy] via photopin cc

‘Gasp’! She said the *P* word!?!?

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You can say it’s a well known word.
You can say it’s a dirty word.
You could even say it’s a “cuss” word.

Some could say “it” brought them pleasure.
Some could say “it” brought them intimacy..of some sort.
Some could even say “it” brought them entertainment.

BUT to the someone I know…
it ONLY brought shame.
It only brought pain. No. Wait. Scratch that out. Excruciating pain.
Heartbreak.
Distrust. A lot of it.
Havoc.
Soul and Body.
Almost ruin.
Almost destruction.

Was her world ending?
The world she knew.
All because of this *P* word?!!!

It would’ve, it could’ve, it might’ve..
But she chose to forgive.
And.. love again.

Pornography. Porn.

YES. I SAID IT.

To be continued….