Dear Husband

Dear Husband,
Looking back, I can almost tell you when the affects of your porn watching/adultery and fantasy began. Because that is when it “all” began.
I no longer was good enough. And I don’t think you even noticed it because neither did I. But so began my own journey. To become the best wife and mom I could be.
I read books, I prayed, cried out to God. And through that process, God did transform me. He showed me things and areas in my life that only He could. I was set free from many “demons” in my heart and life. I became stronger. Less selfish. Amazingly so.
Little did I know. God was making me stronger in ways that would ultimately help me to stay sane, forgive you, and keep loving you after the discovery of your porn problem. I had finally made it so far into my journey of transformation in becoming a very good wife and mom through my eyes. And I believe
through the eyes of God as well.
But unfortunately and sadly not through your eyes. When I found the pornography on your phone. Initially I was shocked. There was no way a man so pure, so godly, so close to God or so I thought would be watching that. And even after you confessed that it was in fact yours. I unbelievably searched for ways that it could have been okay for you to watch it. Because after all you were the righteous one.
But of course not. There was no righteous motive for it.
While I was on ‘my’ journey to become a better wife to you, you had been pleasuring yourself with many other women that your wife could never compare to. No wander I wasn’t good enough. No wander I just couldn’t make you happy. No matter how much I tried. I know now that it hadn’t been my job to make you happy. And that as long as you continued to watch all those “perfect” women being sabotaged to all those cruel and abusive acts. I would NEVER be enough to satisfy you. But through it all, yes, I forgave you. For my kids. For myself. And because of God’s beautiful and amazing grace. Your motives became pure. WE fought for our marriage. You said you gave up the porn/adultery . You proved it to me. I believed that we were going to be okay. I became God’s grace, mercy, and love to you. And through that you became stronger. You became loving again. And oh how you showed me that I was enough. Even though I now know I always have been enough. Because my worth came from God. But somewhere in there, you forgot. I know now that it had to have been because the deep issues inside you hadn’t been dealt with. There was no one who had been through it at that time that could have told you that just because a man no longer watches porn does not necessarily mean he’s free. And little did we both know. You were not free. Yes, you went to church. You payed your tithes. You were even a Bible study leader. But you were not free. But I continued to shower grace and forgiveness because I believed that’s all that was needed. I know now the triggers, anger, attacks, and you withholding affection were all signs that the initial wound and issues that caused you to pave your way to pornography/adultery were blaring and still so alive inside you. And no amount of my forgiveness could heal you. So honestly, it came to me as no surprise when you confessed that you had committed adultery again. This time I was wiser, stronger, and braver. I knew it wasn’t my fault. I knew I could have been the most beautiful, the best anything and you could’ve still chosen porn/adultery/betrayal.

Perhaps because that god is easier to worship and please. Maybe because you can stay wounded, sick, and in your lies. Because that god doesn’t demand change. That god allows you to sulk, manipulate, and even abuse to get your way.

But this time around I will not allow my forgiveness to enable you like I believe it has in times past. I have chosen to put up boundaries. Not only for my sake and healing. But because I love you.
I love you enough to see you healed

.

That nasty festering wound so deep inside you to be healed. To be repaired. To be fixed. Not for the present. But for the long run. For the future. For your sake.
Because that is what grace does. It loves us too much to leave us the same way. I realize I cannot love you to healing. You will have to want it for yourself. So bad. For too long I tried. I gave in to your sulking. I gave in to your manipulations. I allowed myself to become trapped in a vicious cycle. Because I believed that is what God wanted me to do. At the end of the day all I ever wanted was to please God. But now God has shown me. He has spoken to me.
And so what if, you couldn’t see the truth. The truth that you need help. The truth that you need healing for those deep scary issues that are hiding and lurking so deep inside you…. because I believed that you would see them through me just loving and forgiving you every time your warning signs went off. I see now that God does indeed forgive us but many times there is consequences to our ‘sins’ we choose to continue to go back to. And I refuse to no longer just allow your ‘sin’. Or should I say your wounds to bleed onto me, your wife, and onto and into our children. I don’t know what you will choose. It scares me to think you may choose your comfort over the journey of transformation. But know I will no longer cover up. I will no longer allow myself to be manipulated. I will no longer allow to be emotionally abused. I will no longer stay quiet in the hope to be that “perfect, godly wife”. While watching you slowly dig yourself deeper into the sickness that will eventually destroy you completely. No, I choose to speak up so you can be made whole again. So you can become the man I know is still somewhere inside you. I pray you choose the help you need, For your kids, But ultimately for yourself. God has let me know He will care for me and take care of me no matter what you choose. And it is because of that peace that I am able to love you enough to say choose recovery, choose healing, choose help. Because by choosing that. You choose your family. You choose your future with us in it.
I love you. I love us. I love our happy memories. But I refuse to sit and watch this door that was opened when you were so innocent, so many years ago to continue to beat you down with us in it. I love you too much to watch you pass those same wounds onto our kids. I know you probably don’t see or understand what I’m talking about. But that is just the proof that you do need help.
You cannot continue to do it alone.
I will never stop praying for you. No matter what you choose.
Love,
Your Wife
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I hate you… (A letter to porn)

I hate you.

I hate what you stand for.
I hate what you do to them.

I hate what you did to him.

I cry at times.
You see, you transform something in the mind.

Its hard to explain.
(But if you have endured a battle with pornography OR know someone who has you know exactly what I mean).
It’s like their mind has been taken hostage.

 I know the pain you cause.

But know that I am NOT blaming the individuals you use for your sick pleasures.

I believe they too are in bondage.

 You suffocate souls.

All that is left of them are weak, pitiful, sorrowful corpses.

You see porn, I was a victim of your gross game. You helped rip out my heart out of my chest and slice it in a million pieces. I’ll never forget that day.

The day I found out my husband had succumbed to your hellish pit.

Your mockery and laughter I’m sure rang in the background as my heart shriveled, my mind became foggy and time seemed to slow down.

I hate you porn.

Yes, I know. I know. He willingly gave in. He CHOSE to buy into his passion and desires all those moments.

But I doubt IF he had truly understood what was happening. What he was giving himself over to. And the trials that would now lay ahead of him he would never had tasted of your corrosion.

But he did. But he chose to see you for what you really are. And he walked away from your dungeon.

Yes, there is an escape. Even though you tell them there isn’t. THERE IS!

God rescued him. And I loved him.

Yes, I did the unbelievable.

I forgave.

But I hate you porn. Because I know who you really are.

I can see through your fabrication. And now he sees it too. Actually so many do.

I hate you for the way you messed up his mind. But I’m praying.

I still hurt. My heart still bleeds sometimes. I still wonder at times if I’m “good enough”.

Your lies at times fill my mind. Your so good at that.

Slowly my heart is being repaired. The memories and pain can be extremely excruciating when they flood over me.

But I know The Healer that makes all things new.

But I won’t try to downplay how evil you are.

Remember one thing porn. I’m coming after you. Not physically. Because I know that is not how you are fought. Many try that but only continue to suffer.

I’m coming after you with prayer.

For you are an invisible enemy. That prowls after spiritually weak men. And once you have them in your grasp…

YOU CASTRATE THEM.

The whole while they truly believe they are real men while you visiously take their strength and watch as they succumb to nothingness.

But you have one less man in your cell. One more man that KNOWS who you really are.

I pray more men will realize there is a way out. There is hope.

But it is not fought in a physical battle. It is way much more then that.

The thief comes only to steal, kill and destroy. (John 10:10)

That is exactly what you are. A thief.

You steal, kill, and enjoy destroying families, MARRIAGES, souls.

SO yes, I hate you. But because of you I have learned the true meaning of forgiveness.

I have felt what it is to shower someone that does not deserve it with true love and mercy. And it is then that Jesus’ horrible death becomes more understandable. We did not deserve His love but He Still willingly gave Himself to die for us. He willingly loves us at our worst.

Because of you I know how it feels to have God carry me and lift me up while my feet scrape the ground.

And I promise that alone is one of the most amazing feelings in the world.

As the old saying goes “I have learned to kiss the wave that throws me against the Rock of Ages”.

So thank you.

Because of you I learned how strong my God really is.

And He said to me,

“My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” 

(II Corinthians 12:9)

Adios

Signed,

Anonymous

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Dear you, 15 year old younger me…

DO you know you are not only beautiful but captivating.

Do you know that God really and truly has plans for you. For your life.

Do you know that God seen and knew you even while you were inside your mothers womb.

Do you know He was there that amazing moment you entered into this world.

Those times you felt alone, sad, depressed … Yes… He was there also.

I know it felt like no one cared. But I promise He did. He does.

Those times you felt so REJECTED. His love poured out for you.Your heart beat to know Him.

When others rejected you. When others thought they were too good for you. When others believed you were worthless. He watched you with eyes of fire. A fire of love.

When you really thought that boy loved you. So you ended up giving yourself to him. Mind and Body. He watched with sorrow and sadness. Because He knew the truth. He always does.

But His love remained.

He caught every tear that fell from your eyes when you finally realized that it was never love. Only lust.

I’m sure He whispered that He loved you and that He was madly in love with you when you laid at night on your bed, heartbroken.

He saved you from so much pain even though it may not have felt like it.

And He came running that night. The night you cried out on your knees. It was what He had been waiting for all along. For your heart. For your devotion. For your love.

He picked you up. Washed all your stains and pain away. Healed your heart. Wrapped His arms around you. And whispered again how much He had always loved you.

And then your life began………

Love, your twenty-something self.

Things don’t always work out the way you want them to

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I remember coming home.
I remember feeling nothing.
I remember saying “that’s it”?
I remember feeling a little confused.
I remember ‘the night’.

If only I had known it wasn’t real love.
If only I had known it never would be.
If only I had known the pain and tears that would soon follow.
If only I had known the memory would last forever.

But I didn’t, nobody told me, but even if they had, would I had listened?

My heart broken
My heart shattered
My heart torn
My heart scarred

Over a guy? Over a boy?
REALLY??!!
Yes.

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