The day I was almost raped..changed my life

The day I cried out.

Today I want to write about the day God began His incredible journey of healing me.

People may look at me now and never even think or believe where I would be if God might’ve never rescued me from a dead lifestyle.
. . . . . .

But when I was only 16 my heart had already felt much pain.
Much hearbreak.
Much rejection.
Nights I would think of suicide.
I thought I knew what I wanted.
I DIDN’T.

How is it that Someone can actually heal and restore your broken up soul!

I have experienced it. I know.

And it all started with a cry.

The year was 2002.
The month.. January.
I did the dangerous.
I took off with a boy I didn’t really know at all.
But hey, I was a teen girl with a bruised and torn heart remember.
We tend to do some pretty stupid things when our heart is broken or wounded.

We drove around a bit. Then… As it got dark and started to snow. He didn’t take me home. He drove his car to an alley right next to a field. And turned off the engine.

Yes. He wanted to have sex.
But no. Of course, I didn’t want to.
He tried to convince me and no not with words.

But with the little of integrity I had left inside of me I looked out the passenger window and (either in my mind or in a whisper) I pleaded:
“God, get me out of this”.

He did. He really really did.

I wiped my tear away slowly because I didn’t want the boy to see me crying as I turned to look at him. He stared at me said,
“Do you want me to take you home”?

Just like that.

I said yes. (Of course)
He started the car and drove me straight home.
I never ever seen him again.

I walked inside my home and into my room. Closed the door.
And cried.
I cried like a baby.
On my knees. I cried out.

Here I was a 16 year old girl that could’ve been raped.
I know God saved me that night.
I know He heard my plea.

And as I cried out in my room that night. God was already beginning the process of healing me.

I gave my heart to Him that night.
That broken, bruised, torn, abused heart. And in return He began to restore me. He began to change my heart and cleanse my mind.
It’s unbelievable really. It truly was a miracle.

Yes, there are things I wish I had never experienced as a young girl. Things and situations that have left scars. But if I had never experienced them I wouldn’t know now how it feels to be healed and restored.
And believe me I do. I do.

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Wasn’t it just yesterday I was a young, dumb teenager??

Well guys….This is it.

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My 30 year birthday is only a week and a half away! How did I get here so quick?

Wasn’t it just yesterday I was a young, dumb, confused, and very lonely teenage girl?

So… as I begin to say good-bye to my twenties I dedicate this post to my soon to be 30 years of LIFE.

I know some might judge me as being old. While others may judge me as still being a “baby”.

But either way one thing I know for darn sure is I have entered a wise stage of life and I want to share some of that.

Here are some things I have learned. . . For life sure has a way of teaching you many things willingly AND unwillingly in 30 years. Right?

1. That even after devastating betrayal your heart is able to forgive. Able to keep beating. And still able to go on.

2. That a lot of stuff you think matters really doesn’t matter at all. Such as the car you drive, the house you live in or what brand of clothes you may be wearing. It just doesn’t matter. We came into this world naked and we will all leave this world not taking one single material thing with us!

3. If God is all you have you already have everything you’ll ever need. (I learned this and number 2 above more deeply last month on a mission trip to Mexico). God gives and God takes away. But if your heart is set and aligned in God than it doesn’t matter what may come or what doesn’t come. Better yet it won’t matter what you own or not. I met beautiful people on our trip last month that did not own much but their faces were radiant with joy and peace. I can not even express the love they bestowed upon me and many didn’t even know me. And I believe it was all because they held the secret many Americans are so desperately looking for. They had God and that was enough!

4. If someone doesn’t like you. IT’S OK!
Now hear me out I’m not talking about treating people with no respect and kindness or in a blatantly rude or cruel manner all the while not understanding why they prefer to stay away from you.
There is a line. What I am saying is I know what it is to love on people and be there for them and all you get in return is their ugliness, hatefullness, and stabs in the back. I know you might not believe this but there are some callous people out there!! Yes even in the “Christian” world. šŸ˜¦ So when you can honestly say you’ve loved them like Jesus. And they still don’t like you. IT’S O-K-A-Y! “Religious” people known as the Pharisees in the Bible hated Jesus. Come on who could hate Jesus? He healed the sick, brought the dead back to life, loved the worse of the worse and even took time to love on children. Really? Yup, they still couldn’t stand Him. So when you come across some “Pharisees” in your life, in your church, or wherever. Remember you can’t make someone like you, you can’t make someone love you, BUT you can always forgive them and pray for them.

5. Simple is beautiful. (Now this something that I am actually in the process of learning). You see from an early age I wore makeup and lots of it. Pretty much it was my identity. Without it I was a nobody. I was ugly. And honestly I still think like that at times. But here recently God began showing me something that in reality I didn’t want to see. He started dealing with my heart. He started trying to let me know that HE is my identity.
When we lose ourselves in wordly matters we lose something that God so lovingly wants us to never forget. That our value comes from Him. And only Him.
Do you know that a prostitute or homeless person on the street is just as valuable and important to God as the pastor or missionary that helps brings souls to Christ? Yes.
God wanted me to understand that He sees me full of worth and beauty no matter how I may look to others.

That’s one reason I truly believe many girls walk around half dressed or why sadly many give themselves away far too easily to boy/man after boy/man, night after night. They are just trying and searching for their self-worth. They just want to feel special. Beautiful. valuable.
So they give their self-respect and body away even if it’s just for 10 minutes of pleasure.

Listen woman YOU ARE FULL OF WORTH! You are LOVED! You are WORTH FIGHTING FOR!
Your value DOES NOT come from what others see when they look at you!
Your identity is in God. Because He made you. He created you!
It may sound too simple I know. It can be hard to really believe that in this world we live in. But it’s the flat out TRUTH.
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It’s something that I am still learning. But it is something that I never want to forget. Especially since it took me practically 30 years to learn!

So guys it may look like I haven’t learned much. But I promise I have. There’s so much more I’ve learned and also so much I want to forget in 30 years.

We all grow up and grow old but we all have a choice to not grow cold.

******

photo credit: B-day Candles via photopin (license)

I hate you… (A letter to porn)

I hate you.

I hate what you stand for.
I hate what you do to them.

I hate what you did to him.

I cry at times.
You see, you transform something in the mind.

Its hard to explain.
(But if you have endured a battle with pornography OR know someone who has you know exactly what I mean).
It’s like their mind has been taken hostage.

I know the pain you cause.

But know that I am NOT blaming the individuals you use for your sick pleasures.

I believe they too are in bondage.

You suffocate souls.

All that is left of them are weak, pitiful, sorrowful corpses.

You see porn, I was a victim of your gross game. You helped rip out my heart out of my chest and slice it in a million pieces. I’ll never forget that day.

The day I found out my husband had succumbed to your hellish pit.

Your mockery and laughter I’m sure rang in the background as my heart shriveled, my mind became foggy and time seemed to slow down.

I hate you porn.

Yes, I know. I know. He willingly gave in. He CHOSE to buy into his passion and desires all those moments.

But I doubt IF he had truly understood what was happening. What he was giving himself over to. And the trials that would now lay ahead of him he would never had tasted of your corrosion.

But he did. But he chose to see you for what you really are. And he walked away from your dungeon.

Yes, there is an escape. Even though you tell them there isn’t. THERE IS!

God rescued him. And I loved him.

Yes, I did the unbelievable.

I forgave.

But I hate you porn. Because I know who you really are.

I can see through your fabrication. And now he sees it too. Actually so many do.

I hate you for the way you messed up his mind. But I’m praying.

I still hurt. My heart still bleeds sometimes. I still wonder at times if I’m “good enough”.

Your lies at times fill my mind. Your so good at that.

Slowly my heart is being repaired. The memories and pain can be extremely excruciating when they flood over me.

But I know The Healer that makes all things new.

But I won’t try to downplay how evil you are.

Remember one thing porn. I’m coming after you. Not physically. Because I know that is not how you are fought. Many try that but only continue to suffer.

I’m coming after you with prayer.

For you are an invisible enemy. That prowls after spiritually weak men. And once you have them in your grasp…

YOU CASTRATE THEM.

The whole while they truly believe they are real men while you visiously take their strength and watch as they succumb to nothingness.

But you have one less man in your cell. One more man that KNOWS who you really are.

I pray more men will realize there is a way out. There is hope.

But it is not fought in a physical battle. It is way much more then that.

The thief comes only to steal, kill and destroy. (John 10:10)

That is exactly what you are. A thief.

You steal, kill, and enjoy destroying families, MARRIAGES, souls.

SO yes, I hate you. But because of you I have learned the true meaning of forgiveness.

I have felt what it is to shower someone that does not deserve it with true love and mercy. And it is then that Jesus’ horrible death becomes more understandable. We did not deserve His love but He Still willingly gave Himself to die for us. He willingly loves us at our worst.

Because of you I know how it feels to have God carry me and lift me up while my feet scrape the ground.

And I promise that alone is one of the most amazing feelings in the world.

As the old saying goes “I have learned to kiss the wave that throws me against the Rock of Ages”.

So thank you.

Because of you I learned how strong my God really is.

And He said to me,

“My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.”

(II Corinthians 12:9)

Adios

Signed,

Anonymous

————-

I’m sad to say that the author of this letter ended up not making it with her husband. Sadly, he ended up choosing pornography over her and their children.

I probably would’ve put a gun to my head

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This morning I prayed. And as I sat there on my living room floor I pondered. ….

If you have read some of my other postings you know that God saved me as a young teen girl. I may have been just a young teenager but this young girl already had many plans for her life. Destructive plans. Plans that I now look back and shudder at the thought of what would have become of me if my plans would’ve come to pass. And a question I have thought to myself and asked many times is: Why did God save me before I was totally immersed in the lifestyle I had thought I wanted.So as I sat there musing and talking openly to God. It hit me. Well, it was just a thought but it was almost as if I could feel the truth in it.

I don’t think I would’ve made it out alive.

I sincerely believe I PROBABLY WOULD’VE PUT A GUN TO MY HEAD and pulled the trigger.

I told God all this with tears.

I said God you saved me before perhaps because YOU knew I wouldn’t have made it out alive.

He had so much mercy on me that He called out to me that night as a lonely teenager.

But even though He called. It doesn’t mean I had to have listened.

I could have walked away from Him.

I could have ignored Him.

I could have yelled out to Him in anger instead. Cursing Him for allowing me to go through all that I had gone through up to that point.

But I didn’t.

Oh Thank God I didn’t!

And believe me when I say I don’t think I would’ve put a gun to my head and pulled the trigger simply because “I’m weak”. Or because I just “couldn’t have handled it”. No. I mean yes. Maybe I would’ve been weak. Maybe I would have got to that point where I just couldn’t have handled it anymore. But I believe the real reason I would have pulled that trigger is because of all the SHAME, all the REGRET, and hopelessness I KNOW I would have experienced and felt!

I know I probably would have looked back at my life and wondered where in the world did I go wrong? I know I would have remembered all the times as a little girl that I would run to the back of the shed in my backyard to read my Bible. I know I would have remembered the times I went to church as a young girl and KNEW deep inside that was what life was all about. Worshiping my Creator. I would’ve looked back and remember listening to my mom say her prayers. And as I pulled the trigger I would’ve believed with all my heart that I deserved every ounce of shame.

I would’ve died an empty soul.

Callous, hard, and numb.

But deep inside just truly sad, desperate for real love, and fighting demons that had been assigned to me since childhood.

So I sat there thankful, and in awe of God’s mercy and grace. I cried tears of joy and appreciation that I would never know that day. The day I probably would’ve pulled the trigger.

Thank You Father for saving me. For rescuing me. You seen what could’ve been and you chose to reach out to me that night. You made yourself so real.

I pray You also make Yourself real to all those that are crying out to You today.

Amen.

If God is calling out to you today…please don’t ignore Him. Please don’t push Him away.

You never know what he may be trying to save you from.

Lots Of Love

***
photo credit: Hand Model via photopin (license)

Dear you, 15 year old younger me…

DO you know you are not only beautiful but captivating.

Do you know that God really and truly has plans for you. For your life.

Do you know that God seen and knew you even while you were inside your mothers womb.

Do you know He was there that amazingĀ moment you entered into this world.

Those times you felt alone, sad, depressed … Yes… He was there also.

I know it felt like no one cared. But I promise He did. He does.

Those times you felt so REJECTED. His love poured out for you.Your heart beat to know Him.

When others rejected you. When others thought they were too good for you. When others believed you were worthless. He watched you with eyes of fire. A fire of love.

When you really thought that boy loved you. So you ended upĀ giving yourself to him. Mind and Body. He watched with sorrow and sadness. Because He knew the truth. He always does.

But His love remained.

He caught every tear that fell from your eyes when you finally realized that it was never love. Only lust.

I’m sure He whispered that He loved you and that He was madly in love with you when you laid at night on your bed, heartbroken.

He saved you from so much pain even though it may not have felt like it.

And He came running that night. The night you cried out on your knees. It was what He had been waiting for all along. For your heart. For your devotion. For your love.

He picked you up. Washed all your stains and pain away. Healed your heart. Wrapped His arms around you. And whispered again how much He had always loved you.

And then your lifeĀ began………

Love, your twenty-something self.

Sick and Tired of Rejection they become Strippers

What drives a girl to become a stripper.
To become so lost and deprived of any true love but still willing to endure the hell involved.

What really makes a woman want to degrade herself by sharing(selling) her body with(to) the world.
To go to bed at night with tears rolling down her cheeks knowing it’s not worth it. But waking up in the morning continuing the vicious cycle.

REJECTION.

I look back now and see my little heart as a small girl. Rejection was written all over it.

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Not only was I rejected by the first man in my life. My dad. I was then later rejected by boys.
I was stinkin’ tired of rejection!
Tired of offering my heart over and over again. And in return receiving pain, lies, and simply being ignored.

Somewhere in my sick mind I knew I could lose rejection once and for all! Finally.
I knew I wanted to pack my bags and be done with my enemy ..rejection.
My bags contained all I needed to endure this new life I thought I wanted.
My “luggage” would be packed with…
Anger
Bitterness and Hatred
Lust
Rebellion
Greed

And only God knows what else.

My anger, bitterness, and hatred towards my father and men in general would be my fuel that would drive me indeed.

Well, it would’ve driven me but my little journey never began.
Because you see at the age of 16. That lonely girl found herself alone in a room, crying out. Yes. She had already packed her bags nice and full. But at the end all the pain. All the hurt. All the lies and anger would not be enough to hold her back from running to The Saviour!

Could there really be a Man that wouldn’t reject her?? She didn’t know but she had to take the chance.
She unpacked her heavy bags. And she cried. Because for once in her life she could finally just be herself and no longer fear rejection. It was as if He wiped away her tears and cradled her broken heart.

She waved bye to those demons and the devil himself that had been waiting outside the door for her. The path that had been paved just for her vanished. And a new one appeared almost instantly.

How can it be that the Creator of the universe cares for me.

I’m forgiven because You were forsaken
I’m accepted. You were condemned
.
I’m alive and well- Your spirt is within me- because You died and You rose again.

You see I realize now that Jesus was rejected FOR US. For me.
I had been rejected countless times. But when I ran into His open arms that night He recieved me.

All that past rejection would’ve definitely caused me to become someone I really wouldn’t have wanted to be. To do things I wouldn’t have really wanted to do.
13 years later scary to think where I would be.

Girls,
It’s time.
Time to UNpack your bags. Let it go. And run into the arms of your Saviour.
I promise He will welcome you.
Of course He will. Remember He was rejected so you wouldn’t have to be.

Lots of Love,
SongsofIntimacy

From rejection to finally being accepted.

Porn Porn Everywhere

It’s everywhere!
But that’s only part of the problem

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The biggest issue is that it is going into our minds. Seeping in. Making it’s home in our very own hearts!

This is scary people.
Very VERY FRIGHTENING!!

It is what a lot of young boys are growing up on.
Kids hearts and minds are innocent, tender, trusting and need to be safeguarded from the negative influences of increasingly violent and sexualized media!

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Pornography teaches sex without love, intimacy, tender touch, responsibility, and commitment.ā€!!
http://t.co/bpXEWtjKw2

Pornography is more then a small sexual “secret”. Believe me I’ve read enough, I’ve seen enough and I have felt enough to KNOW it is an extremely wicked problem!

It may have started as a “fun” guilty pleasure but it has now (thanks to the internet) grown into a massive and festering addiction.

Pornography should be banned as SUPER-ADDICTIVE and DANGEROUS drug/behaviour much like Heroin, Crack, Crystal Meth!:
http://t.co/LAgMCysbgL

The research is there.
The findings are true.
Porn is as addictive as drugs!
Addicts crave it. Not because they necessarily like it.
Chances are they don’t even want to give in and watch it. But the cravings are there and they only continue to get BIGGER every time the addict gives in and bites!

It really is a very sad epidemic.
If you dont consider yourself a porn/sex addict then you might deny these facts.
You might only consider yourself “a moderate user”. But as any drug addict will testify. The cravings will grow undoubtedly.

And with porn there is NO EXCEPTION!
Just ask the man that can tell you that it all began when he just started with “normal” porn videos and/or images. But eventually his body needed more. His “fun” ended with an arrest of child pornography.
But you say that won’t happen to you. How can you be sure?
Are you willing to take that risk?

Is porn really that good that you would sacrifice everything for it?
Not only do you lose your purity and if you’re a man your manhood. But if that’s not enough your family, your wife, your children, and your respect is also all on the line!
So tell me is it truly worth it?

I’m sure the husband that has already lost it ALL would tell you it’s not!
I’m sure the wife that has felt the agony and excruciating heartbreak because of it would tell you it’s not!
And I’m sure the children that have been neglected and pushed to the side all because of their dad’s porn/sexual addiction/problem would cry out it’s not!

I pretty sure we all have heard the stories how an addiction started with a few beers. A couple cigarettes. A line of coke. No addict intended to become a full blown out addict.

No human being with a heart intends to neglect, abuse, push away, scar, or destroy the very ones they love and who love them.

Pornography leads to affairs. (Because it is an affair)!
Pornography can lead to rape. Pornography leads people into hellish fetishes that they would have never ever thought about in the first place without porn.

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Pornography IS NOT NORMAL.
How can humans being degraded, abused and used be normal??

You watch that porn video and it starts off feeling good but believe me; not too far away there is a man or woman who is alone in his/her room pounding the floor, asking God to take away this vicious addiction! And he/she would tell you don’t do it! Don’t even begin with that one video! Don’t even think about it.

I as a parent would honestly advise my children to not even begin messing around with any drug.
So the same goes with porn.
It is a drug!
And I pray that one day it will be illegal and completely banned.
The repercussions are huge!

I am very positive that many reading could easily admit to falling into the trap of pornography.
I am very positive that many reading could admit that pronography did indeed lead them to do other things they truly did not even want to do.

Sex was NEVER meant to be dirty.
Sex is more then an act.
It’s something so deep.
Something so personal and private but not because it’s shameful. But because it’s meant to be between two people who sacrificially love each other with no doubt, no reserve.
And when you love somebody so sacrificially, & so immensely you do not want to share that personal and private bond with nobody!! No, not a picture, not a video, no peeking! That bond, that personal time… NO ONE should be able to sneak upon, to peek upon, or to watch it!

Sex is an intertwining of a husband and wife’s soul. They are one. And God, yes God looks upon that as good.

Your soul is costly woman.
You can not just give it away to any man. I mean you could but why? When your soul has so much more meaning and purpose! Your soul longs to be one with another soul. But you can in no way give yourself(your soul) away repeatedly to guy after guy with NO consequences.
You hurt yourself painfully more then you know when you do. It’s almost like you burn away at your own heart. Your heart over time becomes hardened and numb.

That is what I believe happens to all those precious girls in those porn videos. At the end they lose out.
Oh what many of them would give just to gain back their innocence.

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And they have the porn/sex addict to thank for a lot of their pain.
For demand fuels the porn industry.
Kill the demand. Kill the porn industry.
Not that easy. I know. But it’s a start.

There may be a lot we can’t do.
But I know there is way more we CAN do! Even if it’s a small change.

So come on! Lets fight this demon!
I believe in you.

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* * * * * * * * * * *
On Twitter: @songsofintimacy
And help share awareness with this hashtag #LetsFightThisDemon

* *
photo credit: H o l l y. via photopin cc

When did abusing women become the norm?

Tell me. What would you do if you seen a man in public abusing a woman?

Slapping her around. Puncking her around. Pushing her around.
What would you do or how would you handle that situation especially as a man?

Not to long ago I watched this video about how people responded when they witnessed a couple (two “actors”) in the middle of domestic abuse.

It was good to see that people stood up and intervened!

But for me the best scene was when a man came from behind the boyfriend(actor) and kinda tackled him down to the ground to ‘rescue’ the girl.
It actually made me want to cry even because of the man’s bravery to step in and help!
And even after they informed the man that it was not real and just part of an experiment to raise awareness on domestic abuse. The man continues to ask the girl if she’s okay.

Then it made me think…
“Public” abuse of any kind is considered horrible, illegal, and shameful. BUT what about all the “private” abuse that goes on? You know.. abuse that is kept on the down low.
Like exploitation of women and children!

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Or the sexualization of girls.

It’s pretty much everywhere.

Turn on the T.V. BOOM! There it is.
Walk around at the mall and it’ll slap you in the face.
Turn on the radio and yup it’s there too.

And if all else fails. Well, just give it up for porn. Because that sucker will chew you up and spit you out. Leaving you disrespecting girls and callous towards women in general.

No wonder women easily walk around believing they are only worth what they can do sexually!

And the sad part is men sit by and just watch!
They don’t come to their rescue. They don’t run in harms way to save us.
Instead of using their strength and power to push aside or “tackle” whatever is hurting us. They give it all away to their own selfish sexual desires.
Not even realizing
they are left spiritually castrated.
For sexual immorality indeed sucks out all of a man’s valor and strength.

Proverbs 31:3-
O my son, Do not give your strength to women

Proverbs 23:27-28-
For a whore is a deep pit, And a seductress is a narrow well.
She also lies in wait as for a victim, And increases the unfaithful among men.

I can’t speak for a man because I’m not one.
But I could only hope that men would STOP allowing women to be treated as objects that are only used.
And instead magnify their actions that would proclaim that women are human beings to be LOVED!

A man might ask: How?
And this is what I would recommend as a woman myself.

If and when they see a woman being objectified (which means treating a person as a thing, without regard to their dignity).
When they see a girl being sexualized.
Stop! Speak up! Say something!
Help her! Rescue her!
And many times that could simply mean
-TURNING OFF THE T.V.
-CHANGING THE MOVIE. -Or changing the music you hear.
-GIVING UP PORNOGRAPHY for good.
-Speaking to their daughters about the traits of a predator/liar/ narcissist.

-Speaking to their sons about respecting all girls.
Yes, even if they are dressed like prostitutes.

It would be awesome to see men try it.
Next time they came into contact with a girl/woman that unknowingly had the words “Use me” written all over her. Truly look at her. Into her eyes and tell yourself ‘she is an EQUAL to you‘.
Engrave it into your mind that she is worthy of respect and honor and love. Not that she might be dressed like it. BUT because she is a human being just like you.

At the end of the day. When all is said and done. We ALL want to be loved. No matter if we think we deserve it or not. No matter if everyone else told us or made us feel unwanted.
We all need love.

So let’s all try it.
Let’s do our part in NOT allowing ourselves or other women to be treated as things.

*Sadly, I believe lots of people take part in helping the exploitation of children and women without even knowing it.

A man can sit there and watch porn. He can sit there unmoved while a women is getting raped and violently abused in every way possible. He can sit there and witness the exploitation of a girl AND NOT BE MOVED TO RESCUE HER. TO SAVE HER?
What is wrong with that picture?!

I can only hope and pray that women everywhere would stand up, take control and shout NO MORE! to what is being done to them.

I can only continue to hope that men everywhere would push away the vices and gain back their strength once again and FIGHT FOR US!image

And for ALL the men that already are (yes they do still exist)
THANK YOU!
May your reward be great!

~~mandyšŸ’‹

True Sex=pure physical tenderness

I once believed that sex was somehow connected to aggression.

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In a world that glamorizes pornography, pimps, and lust. It’s fairly easy to get sucked into the lie that sex is not special, not truly intimate, and NOT RESPECTABLE.
That sex is just something “everyone” does solely
and ultimately for self-pleasure.

That is exactly what this world would want you to believe.

And I did. I fell into that ocean of deceit.
I can’t tell you when I did. But I believe it had to have been someplace during my childhood.

My vision and idea of sex became distorted.

If only someone would have told me or better yet if I would’ve believed that true pure sex DOES NOT fall into the same category as violence and aggression!

True intimacy DOES NOT feed off of humiliation of a woman.
***That is one reason why pornography can NEVER and WILL NEVER substitute or even come near to comparing to what God created sex to be.

God intended sex to be PURE PHYSICAL TENDERNESS.
Say it again. Out-loud this time. Slowly.
PURE – PHYSICAL – TENDERNESS

Those three words alone caused me to view sex different than what I had believed sex was.

I went years not really knowing or understanding what sex was all about. Even after I married.
And maybe I still don’t understand it fully but one thing I know without a doubt is that: the belief of sexual intimacy that this world holds IS NOT TRUE! That the view of sex that so many people carry IS NOT REAL!

And you can bet that it has a lot to do with living in a strong pornified generation.
Where based on a survey that was done 64 percent of American men and 20 percent of women view pornography at least monthly. AND… you might want to sit down for this…. 18 percent of men believe they may be addicted to pornography. Thatā€™s more than 20 million men in deep trouble.

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Porn alters the brain.
Porn dehumanizes women.
Porn promotes rape. It fuels the rape culture.

After swallowing all that…it’s No wonder why we have too many men walking around really “believing” that sex is just a loveless, cheap, repetitive act.

*Galatians 5:19-21MSG
It is obvious what kind of life develops out of trying to get your own way all the time: repetitive, loveless, cheap sex; a stinking accumulation of mental and emotional garbage.

Do you really believe that is what we were created for? No.
We are created for more then this garbage that trys to suck anyone in.
It is not racist.
It is waiting to feed off of you.
If you let it.

My heart and mind had become it’s victim at a way too early age.

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I fell into it’s snare. Unknowingly.
And even though I probably wouldn’t have admitted it…..my actions told a different story.

I grew up in a home where a true marriage was never modeled. Almost every relationship around me was a bad example of what it should’ve been.

I didn’t know a thing about
self-control,
respect,
chivalry,
honoring,
commitment,
integrity,
loyalty.

You see I gave myself away at 15.
But what I didn’t know at the time was that I had already given myself away long before that.
I had slowly given my heart and mind over to “beliefs” that I thought I knew to be TRUE.

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I thought attention and desire alone was love.
But in reality they were traps that led me deeper and deeper into one of the biggest lies I would end up believing.
That sex was everything but love. Everything but pure. Everything but bonding.
Pretty much anything but what God had created it to be.

And those “beliefs” led me and were leading me to some very dark roads.
A road that I now know (12 years later) if given the chance would’ve been pornography. Crazy to think that something I extremely ABHOR now is something I could’ve been a part of.

Every porn worker(star), every stripper, every sex worker willingly or unwilling had a childhood dream once. And I promise you it wasn’t to grow up and become a prostitute or a sex slave.

One thing we all have in common is: We all were at one time in a sense innocent. We believed in love. In Hope. And if someone would’ve told us at that time that sex indeed equaled pure physical tenderness and NOTHING LESS. We would’ve wholeheartedly believed it.

What if I told you that sex was supposed to be a soul-bond forever with
the person you chose to spend the the rest of your life with.
A bond only you would share with that person all your life long. A commitment. A holy gift.

Not something that was meant to be forced. Not something cheap or loveless. Not something just done to excite or entertain others. Not something dirty and impure.

To me it is so very sad that it can take years for someone to actually realize that. When it’s always been the truth.

When you understand Who created intimacy in the first place…you’ll begin to understand what it is. And what it’s NOT.
I believe that is the place where men and women in a sense can gain back that innocence.
It’s hard. But bad habits can be broken. Brain maps can be changed.

We are created for intimacy.
Just not the kind this world, the media, or porn tells you.

I am now no longer ‘bound’ to those “beliefs” I once thought to be true. Because now I know the truth. And the Truth has set me free!

John 8:32
“Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”

It hurts my heart to know that I was stuck in that pit of lies for so long. Even after I was saved and married. Coming to a point where I couldn’t even enjoy intimacy with my then husband because of the lies deeply embedded inside my mind. But God so graciously shined light and exposed it so He could purge it and wash it away.
I am a work in progress.
…From glory to glory friends.

There is always Hope. No matter how messed up our minds have become.
We live in a fallen world.
But the garbage this world would have you eat could NEVER exceed
the reason you were created.

For true, pure, wonderful intimacy first and foremost with your Creator. A love so clean and relishing. That you could never again allow a man to treat you the way you once believed they were supposed to.

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[Freedom]

True Freedom is peace my friend.

Believe it.

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Memories that could kill..

Do you have memories that still haunt you?
Or maybe not haunt but ones that try to pop their head up from time to time.

And every time they do….they always bring shame regret, and guilt along with them.
And you find yourself wallowing in the same pain, the same hurt, the same lies of the past.

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The weight is so heavy at times that it seems as if there is a huge brick on the back of your head.
And this brick causes you to walk with your head down as the memories re-play in your mind.

You wish you could go back.
Maybe re-do a few things. OR erase a lot of things.

But what’s done has been done.

We all have our own bundle of unhappy and at times tormenting memories that hide deep within us.

The ones that don’t leave us alone. The ones that take us back to that very moment or day.
The ones that make us question “what was I thinking”?!

Personally for me its been almost 13 years but I can still remember the nights….
The nights I thought of suicide.
And Ending it all.
Thinking no, Believing that it would end all my pain, hurt, and heartbreak.

I remember the night I knew that I knew I could’ve been raped.

I remember the night I looked out the window and prayed “GOD, GET ME OUT OF THIS”!

I remember the nights I chose to give myself away so cheaply. Mistaking it for love and acceptance.

Times that I chose to get involved or taste things I should’ve never!

Memories that have been burned into us so deeply. That sometimes
we begin to believe all the lies again.

That it doesn’t matter how far you’ve come. That it doesn’t matter that you’ve changed.
Or worse: that your still the same person. You’ve never changed and you never will.
Your worthless!
Your dirty!
You’ll never amount to anything!
It would’ve been better if you had never been born!

And as you sink into that ocean of lies you hear depression knocking. You feel suicide wanting to invite itself over once more.

But in the midst of it all.
He whispers. You hear it but the lies try so hard to drown it out!
He calls you by name.

Isaiah 43:1
But now, thus says the Lord , who created you, .. And He who formed you, .. ā€œFear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by your name; You are Mine.

Forgiveness is a beautiful thing.
Especially when you realize your the one needing it.

Many times people say “Well, I can forgive but will never forget”.
But there is One who actually forgives AND forgets!

Psalm 103:12
As far as the east is from the west, So far has He removed our transgressions from us.

Micah 9:17
You will trample our sins under your feet and throw them into the depths of the ocean!

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There is nothing more amazing than knowing that all our wrongs, all our past can be washed away.

So what if you woke up one day and believed with all that is in you that you had been forgiven. That all the memories that would love to haunt you forever were just exactly that. Memories.
Long gone forgiven memories!
Now I know that some memories are far from forgetting when you actually have to live with the ‘consequences’ or viable evidence every single day.
But it doesn’t mean it hasn’t been forgiven.

I recently read a MIND-BLOWING testimony!!!
Of Annie Lobert a survivor ofĀ more thanĀ a decade of sex trafficking-working as an exotic dancer and a high-class escort.

In her testimony she talks about the memories. That would haunt her. She even began having terrible nightmares.

The past can be an ugly thing. Especially when it knows we haven’t let it go. It would want nothing more than to cling to us, to the core of our hearts till death.

So bring your past…..lay it down. And watch as He throws it all into the sea of forgetfulness.

Yes, my memories are still there….deep deep down below somewhere.
BUT now I use them you could say as a weapon!
Because I use a lot of them now to share with others how amazing the power of forgiveness really is. Like the times when I meet those young 14/15/16 year old girls that are walking on that road I once did.

I have the privilege to share some of those memories with them.. all in the name of just letting them know they are NOT alone and never will be. That NO matter their past.. it can be washed away!
And the best part.. that they too can one day use it to encourage others that your past does not have to represent who you are now.
THAT WHAT WAS MEANT FOR EVIL GOD USES FOR GOOD!

That your bruised past, and all of those haunting memories unfortunately may not ever be erased from our memories but they can be *forgiven*. Oh so beautifully forgiven.
And Yes, even used for good.

Genesis 50:20
You intended to harm me, but God intended it all for good. He brought me to this position so I could save the lives of many people.

**You see sharing our experiences (our memories) with others CAN indeed save their lives!

Those memories are intended to destroy and harm you. BUT I promise GOD has other plans!

Friend let Him wash it all away.
And than you too can feel and witness the freedom that comes with it!

And if your like me and believe with all your heart that it has been washed away and forgotten. But you still at time struggle. Take it to God, pour out your soul before Him. He’s there beside you.
Believe that He now calls you worthy, spotless, blameless, and righteous.
Because now.. you are free.

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* * * * * * * * *
Listen to this song:
Blameless By Dara Maclean And allow God to restore you.

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