I hope my story helps in some way.
I chose to be transparent.
I believe everyone has a story.
This is some of mine:
What kind of girl in her right mind would want to become a stripper?
I guess a girl like me.
What I am now I was not even close to being when I was little.
You could say I was shy. Maybe timid. A bit quiet unless I knew you very well. I was not the popular type at all. School was okay up until 8th grade. Because that is when I was officially known as a ‘nerd’.
I was slow to develop if you get my drift. Which was a good thing for my dad. But for me a horrible, miserable thing. I look back now and truly see it as a blessing in disguise. For it actually helped me keep my purity in a sense, at least for a couple more years.
At home things were depressing.
My dad was an alcoholic.
I was extremely attention deprived. And even though I never received that love and attention from my father. Deep inside me my heart and soul craved it immensely.
I started hating my dad.
And since I wasn’t getting the words and the love I desperately needed from my dad. I took the bait and ate at the first hint of “love” that came my way.
Little did I know that was just the beginning of a hellish road that the devil himself had planned for me all along.
I gave my body away but I also lost so much more than that.
It’s like the more you give yourself away. The more you still desire what you were searching for at the beginning. It’s a vicious cycle that seems to be no remedy.
That night after I came home from making one of the biggest mistakes of my life. I remember feeling absolutely nothing.
My heart had begun to numb.
I entered the cycle of believing that sex equals value and worth. But little did I know it was just the first door of many that would lead me to hell. But at the time it pacified my heart since it felt I was finally gaining the love, and attention I had never received from my father.
But all I was really gaining was destruction. My hearts destruction. My mind was becoming more and more twisted. My soul weighed down from carrying stuff no girl was ever meant to carry!
I partied a bit. Smoked weed a lot.
But my drug was still attention. Sadly, I would’ve done anything for it.
I soon decided I wanted to be a stripper.
God only knows where that would’ve led to. I believe with all my heart it would’ve led me to being in pornography.
You know God has His reasons but sometimes He saves people after they seem to throw their life away. After they are left at the bottom of the barrel with nothing or No one really around. After they become what they always thought they wanted to be. Just to find out that it was a useless path paved in regret, bitterness, shame, and torment.
Others God seems to save during the mess.
When they are right in the middle of it. A crossroad in their life.
They are also left with many horrible memories but they walk away knowing deeply that the future would have brought along way more.
(Many people saved here become extreme influences and examples for those about to step into the same dirty road they were once on).
And finally others I believe God saves before they completely fall directly into the slime. Before their hearts become so hardened, so bitter, so callous. Before they are so deep in they cannot hear God crying out to them. And that my friend is where I wholeheartedly believe is where God saved me.
Oh I had plans to dive into that slime. I didn’t see it as filthy slime though.
For me becoming a stripper was going to be something I loved doing which was dancing while receiving my “drug” in return.
But what I didn’t know was that it was a world like nothing I had known or tasted before.
I know what it is to be lonely.
I know what it is to have your heart broken in a million little pieces not only by different guys but by your very own dad.
So I almost understand what makes a girl want to become a stripper. And choose to become involved in porn.
It’s almost like a sickness.
And I had all the symptoms.
But that sickness only leads to death.
I did get a small taste of it though when at 15 yrs old I thought I was pregnant.
One day after bleeding quite a bit I went into the E.R believing I had had a miscarriage.
But instead I walked out that night confused. Because that night I was told I had contracted a sexually transmitted disease.(S.T.D)
My heart began to harden.
Sex was nothing more then something you did for fun.
So why not become a stripper?
Why not be in porn?
When everything you believe about love is twisted and warped anyways.
I didn’t know it at the time but the moment would come when I would be free from all the lies. The lies the world sold me.
One day I would finally know the TRUTH:
-That real love is NOT BEGGED FOR.
-That real love ISN’T violent, abusive, or vile.
-That true sex equals PURE physical tenderness!
-That True Sex isn’t something Unholy, Impure, or perverted. (That it is actually the complete opposite)!
I would come to find out that Sex is NOT what this world, friends, movies OR porn tells you that it is.
God chose to rescue me before I completely walked through the door the devil was waiting for me at.
The Door of complete vileness.
The Door of horrors.
I’ve read enough testimonies and stories of Ex-porn stars. And girls/women that once were involved in that world. And I cry. Because I know that should’ve been me. That could’ve been my story.
It wholeheartedly scares me.
I know how close I was to entering that ‘world’.
Yes, I wander sometimes, “Why me God”? Why did He choose to save me before I entered that lifestyle?
Of course I’ll never know.
But I will ALWAYS be forever grateful He did.
That world is the devil’s playground.
I bet you can almost smell the devil himself in the midst of it.
I will never forget the night I was saved and rescued.
When nobody could hear this lonely girl screams. HE DID.
When nobody could put all the broken pieces of my heart back together. He DID.
When no one could’ve washed away
my pain, my hurt, my shame. HE DID.
He truly wrapped me in beauty and took my ashes.
He gave me purpose. A reason to live. I now had no reason to continue thinking of suicide. How could I when I now wanted to truly live.
I began to walk on this road God had intended for me. On that path I slowly learned self-respect, self-control, dignity, self-worth and how much value I really did have.
That value didn’t come from how beautiful I was. What kind of body I had. How much attention I could get.
I learned I am already worth so much because of Who made me and created me. When you learn this. When a girl really really learns and grasps this. She won’t want to be a stripper. She won’t want to be a porn star. She won’t want to use her body to gain attention. Because she’ll already know Who she belongs to. She won’t want to kill herself because she’ll finally have a reason and a purpose to LIVE.
I know Who put my heart back together! I know Who freed my mind from all those distorted and perverted lies!
I know Who paid the ultimate price just so I could be with Him for eternity. Talk about a real love story!
Then a year and 4 months after I became a Christian I married a REAL MAN. A man that actually taught me more of God’s love. Mostly by his actions than his words. He showered me with so much love and affection, it was unbelievable. I really never knew that kind of love from a man.
He waited for my body until after we were married! He waited for a kiss from me until our wedding day!
I hadn’t known a love like that.
But I believe that God was helping my mind re-learn love.
God continued to break through all the lies. And 14 years later He still is. Some lies can be so intertwined into our thoughts that we simply fall for them over and over unknowingly.
But believe me when I say God is a chain-breaker. He breaks the chains that are tightly wrapped around our minds.
The chains of lust.
The chains of pornography.
The chains of suicide.
The chains of anger, bitterness, and rebellion.
The chains of hopelessness. Loneliness. Shame. . . . . .
Our mess is never to big for God to clean it.
So now I share my story and speak up to confront the lies that destroy and cheapen women!
Everyone has a story. . . . .This was a little of mine.
Don’t ever doubt God’s presence next to you.
Please share. . . . We never know who it may help.
* * * * * * * *
If your reading this and you’ve come to a place in your own life where you feel dirty. Or used. Or broken beyond repair. There is hope!
You can repeat a prayer similar to this:
I’m sorry. I admit I need You.
I know you have all that my heart desperately needs. Please rescue me. Save me. And forgive me. Cleanse my past. I give it to You.
You are my Savior. Thank you for proving Your love for me that day on the cross. I am Yours. I now make You Lord of my life. Heal my heart. Restore my mind. And show me real love.
In Jesus Name,
If you repeated this prayer or one similar to it. Please. I would love to know. So I can keep you in my prayers! firstname.lastname@example.org