Depression.

I’m crying out but no one hears. I watch as they look towards me. But it’s better for them to look away again. It’s too messy. It’s too awkward.

I don’t blame them. Maybe I would do the same if it wasn’t me.

Probably one of the many thoughts and so many other emotions that led me to the brink of depression over and over until it happened. I was depressed. How? I had been a Christian for many years. I knew God’s Word. I knew how to pray. I had known faith. Why was I depressed? I mean I knew why. But come on woman. Your stronger than this. Isn’t that what many had said of you in the past. You are so strong. I was. I am. I had lost the battle. God must be so upset.

And then God brought comfort. Not through His Word like so many times past. no, this time He brought it through action. Visual action I’d like to say. I felt the depression lift. Then I came home and felt giddy almost like a 5 yr. old little girl running in circles in a tutu. Why would God bring me comfort? When I had upset him?

I know now the depression didn’t take him by surprise. He wasn’t upset by it.

He understood it.

He understood betrayal. He understood trauma. He understood anxiety.

He understood depression.

Like a friend that’s been there and done that. He knew. He gets it.

When Jesus was praying in the garden before His tormenting death. He sweat drops of blood. If that isn’t anxiety and depression at it’s worst, I don’t know what is. He knew and felt not only physical trauma but extreme mental trauma as well. When He died a merciless death on the Cross. He questioned His own Father. He asked WHY! Haven’t you been there before also? Asking God Why?

We can easily look at the crucifixion story and see it as a nice beautiful Christian story. But the reality is the pain and anguish involved is something that can easily calm your fears, anxiety, and even depression. To know that He knows is comforting. Reassuring. His pain can calm ours. His trauma that He endured could walk us through our very own.

Thank You Father. In my depression You brought comfort. Why did I believe you’d bring anything else? You are the God of all comfort. (2 Corin. 1:3) Every good and perfect gift is from above. (James 1:17)

Depression isn’t something God looks down upon. It is something He knows very well.

So if you have found yourself in the hole of depression. Look up. Your head has been hanging down for too long. The God who overcame depression says to you today I am the lifter of your head. (Psalm 3:3) If your crying out for relief. Or even if you haven’t. He’s close. He hears. He sees. The God that endured the worst pain for our sake will indeed be a light in our darkness.

Micah 7:8-

Rejoice not over me, O my enemy; when I fall, I SHALL rise again. Though I sit in darkness, the LORD will be my light.

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Dear Husband

Dear Husband,
Looking back, I can almost tell you when the affects of your porn watching/adultery and fantasy began. Because that is when it “all” began.
I no longer was good enough. And I don’t think you even noticed it because neither did I. But so began my own journey. To become the best wife and mom I could be.
I read books, I prayed, cried out to God. And through that process, God did transform me. He showed me things and areas in my life that only He could. I was set free from many “demons” in my heart and life. I became stronger. Less selfish. Amazingly so.
Little did I know. God was making me stronger in ways that would ultimately help me to stay sane, forgive you, and keep loving you after the discovery of your porn problem. I had finally made it so far into my journey of transformation in becoming a very good wife and mom through my eyes. And I believe
through the eyes of God as well.
But unfortunately and sadly not through your eyes. When I found the pornography on your phone. Initially I was shocked. There was no way a man so pure, so godly, so close to God or so I thought would be watching that. And even after you confessed that it was in fact yours. I unbelievably searched for ways that it could have been okay for you to watch it. Because after all you were the righteous one.
But of course not. There was no righteous motive for it.
While I was on ‘my’ journey to become a better wife to you, you had been pleasuring yourself with many other women that your wife could never compare to. No wander I wasn’t good enough. No wander I just couldn’t make you happy. No matter how much I tried. I know now that it hadn’t been my job to make you happy. And that as long as you continued to watch all those “perfect” women being sabotaged to all those cruel and abusive acts. I would NEVER be enough to satisfy you. But through it all, yes, I forgave you. For my kids. For myself. And because of God’s beautiful and amazing grace. Your motives became pure. WE fought for our marriage. You said you gave up the porn/adultery . You proved it to me. I believed that we were going to be okay. I became God’s grace, mercy, and love to you. And through that you became stronger. You became loving again. And oh how you showed me that I was enough. Even though I now know I always have been enough. Because my worth came from God. But somewhere in there, you forgot. I know now that it had to have been because the deep issues inside you hadn’t been dealt with. There was no one who had been through it at that time that could have told you that just because a man no longer watches porn does not necessarily mean he’s free. And little did we both know. You were not free. Yes, you went to church. You payed your tithes. You were even a Bible study leader. But you were not free. But I continued to shower grace and forgiveness because I believed that’s all that was needed. I know now the triggers, anger, attacks, and you withholding affection were all signs that the initial wound and issues that caused you to pave your way to pornography/adultery were blaring and still so alive inside you. And no amount of my forgiveness could heal you. So honestly, it came to me as no surprise when you confessed that you had committed adultery again. This time I was wiser, stronger, and braver. I knew it wasn’t my fault. I knew I could have been the most beautiful, the best anything and you could’ve still chosen porn/adultery/betrayal.

Perhaps because that god is easier to worship and please. Maybe because you can stay wounded, sick, and in your lies. Because that god doesn’t demand change. That god allows you to sulk, manipulate, and even abuse to get your way.

But this time around I will not allow my forgiveness to enable you like I believe it has in times past. I have chosen to put up boundaries. Not only for my sake and healing. But because I love you.
I love you enough to see you healed

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That nasty festering wound so deep inside you to be healed. To be repaired. To be fixed. Not for the present. But for the long run. For the future. For your sake.
Because that is what grace does. It loves us too much to leave us the same way. I realize I cannot love you to healing. You will have to want it for yourself. So bad. For too long I tried. I gave in to your sulking. I gave in to your manipulations. I allowed myself to become trapped in a vicious cycle. Because I believed that is what God wanted me to do. At the end of the day all I ever wanted was to please God. But now God has shown me. He has spoken to me.
And so what if, you couldn’t see the truth. The truth that you need help. The truth that you need healing for those deep scary issues that are hiding and lurking so deep inside you…. because I believed that you would see them through me just loving and forgiving you every time your warning signs went off. I see now that God does indeed forgive us but many times there is consequences to our ‘sins’ we choose to continue to go back to. And I refuse to no longer just allow your ‘sin’. Or should I say your wounds to bleed onto me, your wife, and onto and into our children. I don’t know what you will choose. It scares me to think you may choose your comfort over the journey of transformation. But know I will no longer cover up. I will no longer allow myself to be manipulated. I will no longer allow to be emotionally abused. I will no longer stay quiet in the hope to be that “perfect, godly wife”. While watching you slowly dig yourself deeper into the sickness that will eventually destroy you completely. No, I choose to speak up so you can be made whole again. So you can become the man I know is still somewhere inside you. I pray you choose the help you need, For your kids, But ultimately for yourself. God has let me know He will care for me and take care of me no matter what you choose. And it is because of that peace that I am able to love you enough to say choose recovery, choose healing, choose help. Because by choosing that. You choose your family. You choose your future with us in it.
I love you. I love us. I love our happy memories. But I refuse to sit and watch this door that was opened when you were so innocent, so many years ago to continue to beat you down with us in it. I love you too much to watch you pass those same wounds onto our kids. I know you probably don’t see or understand what I’m talking about. But that is just the proof that you do need help.
You cannot continue to do it alone.
I will never stop praying for you. No matter what you choose.
Love,
Your Wife

Suicide almost killed me

I still remember the nights.
The times I would think about suicide.

I wanted to end it all.
I was only 15.

I had already lost my virginity when I started having these thoughts.

A girls virginity does a lot to her worth weather she knows it or not.

I remember being at a place where I would’ve done anything for validation and admiration.
It’s an ugly place to be
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I believe we constantly try so many dead ends to fulfill our broken hearts.
We want to be wanted. And when we realize that we are not wanted always.
We throw ourselves out there.
We post disrespectful pictures of ourselves online.
Girls dress in ways that scream out, “PLEASE WANT ME”!
Some very lonely ones become strippers/escorts/Web cam girls all for the desire to be validated and admired.
Because for some strange reason women have fallen for the big lie that attention equals all of the above.
But sadly when they reach the peak. They learn the sad truth. It was all a mirage.

I was just a teen girl when the suicidal thoughts began. But even so young I felt lied to. Attention wasn’t enough! I tried the boyfriends. I tried sex. I was still depressed. Still heartbroken. Still so alone.
What was the remedy? Was there even one?

I still don’t know why I never actually succumbed to suicide. I know one thing for sure though. 15 years later I am so very thankful I didn’t..

Now that my heart has been restored and fulfilled with a true satisfying love I hurt for all those still searching.
That is why escorts, prostitutes, and porn girls exist because theirs too many humans walking around with their souls screaming out for pure love.

We were created for relationship so it’s no wander that we hunger for relationships. No wander so many go to extreme measures all for the sake of relationships . To be wanted. To be liked. To be “loved”. To be sought after.

And so it’s no surprise that it was in a relationship that I found everything my soul and heart had been screaming out for. A true relationship with God. I say true because I’m not talking religion.
My heart had finally found the One who had created it. And it was there that I let out a huge sigh of relief.
Pure love existed!? Yes. Yes. Yes. A thousand times. YES!
And I promise you it is more beautiful and whole than you can ever imagine.
I pray friend you experience it for yourself; if you haven’t already.

For this Love was powerful enough to crush my fears. Even powerful enough to overcome the suicidal thoughts once and for all.
And that dear friend is… worth it all.

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Satan wants to destroy their innocence so he can destroy their future

I recently listened to two different stories on video. One of a former porn star and the other of a former homosexual male porn star.
Both were amazing miracles of what God can do in anyone’s life.

I believe God has a plan for everyone.

Our minds are created to believe that there IS something more.
More than just pleasuring ourselves.
More than just the physical.

Many may not want it but EVERYONE is searching for it. For what?
For true peace.
Real love.
True intimacy.

It hurts so much to see innocent children grow up and become something that they never would’ve chosen or even dreamed about when they were let’s say 4 or 5 years old.
That is why I believe that the devil goes after children so hard. He knows if he can destroy their innocence…it will be that much easier to destroy their future. God’s future for them.

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The devil had horrendous plans for my life. Plans that I thought were what I wanted. Plans that I would’ve chosen because of what my childhood had taught me.
We are only molds of what are childhood shape us into.
But of course we all have that choice once we are adults to allow God to break that mold and rebuild a new one.
It's not easy by no means. But it is a journey worth beginning.

Every person has a story they carry.
I sincerely love to hear stories of molds that God broke through. Or what He saved them from. Whatever that may have been.
Homosexuality, pornography, abuse, depression, suicide attempts. Etc.

I know personally for myself my story would have been on that list for sure.

If you are on a path that you wholeheartedly believe your 4 or 5 year old self would NOT be proud of. Would not have chosen. Than just know that your story does not have to end where your at.
Yes Christ saved me from escorting, becoming a stripper, and being in porn. And because of that my story changed.

I now live a life that my young innocent self would have desired.
I am a mom. A wife. Just a normal girl with a simple life. But…
I know peace.
I know what real love is.
I know what true intimacy feels like.
And let me tell you it’s amazing.

If you have a story share it.
I’m only brave enough to share mine for the hope that it encourages and helps one.

All I know is that if I had never allowed God to rebuild and restore me. You probably would’ve met me in some strip club or in some porn video online.
Oh the power in God’s love.
That He is more than willing to rid us of all the ugliness and stains that cover us. To give us a destiny. To speak promises over us. To heal our hearts from all the despicable memories that do us much harm.
Oh a love like that I choose to give up all for.
I pray you would too.

It is what you were created for.

14 yrs ago I said bye forever! No turning back

14 years ago I said bye to boys breaking my heart.
14 yrs ago I turned my back to all the lies I had fell for.
14 yrs ago I kicked the devil in the face when God demolished the devils plans and brutal, violent, merciless path he had for me all along.
Because 14 yrs ago I stood up firmly and became a daughter of the King.

I had to write a little something about the most amazing, miraculous experience that has happened to me.

If you are an active reader to my blog you already know what God saved me from. ( If not please check out some of my other posts)!
So I won’t get into too much of that.
But I will say that no one and I mean NO ONE could ever cause me to deny what happened that night 14 years ago.

Today I was entranced with the fact that it was exactly 14 years ago that I was rescued from a soon to be wicked and vulgar lifestyle.

I actually attended church service tonight. The same church where I was invited that same week I cried out to God.
I felt extremely humbled. Here I was 14 years prior a foolish young teenager with grossly immoral plans for her life when God decides to intervene.

What makes this day much more powerful now then let’s say years before is because now I truly know where I would be and how I would be living(if even still alive) if not for that transforming holy night!

You see I was like your ordinary teen girl. Loving boy’s attention. And trying to get it anyway I could.
And the heartbreaking thing was.. I was actually on my way to doing everything to get that attention.

Let me say that there are NO words that could’ve described my heart today.
To know where I should be compared to where I am now blows me completely away.

Wholeheartedly I believe I would most probably be dead by now.
Like my other posts reveal. The shame and regret eating at my heart would’ve led me to take my very own life.

So this post was just a thank you and reflection of the 14 years of soundness and wholeness I have truly experienced.

14 years ago I experienced my heart being put together.
Little by little.
But miraculously nonetheless!

14 years ago I finally let go of a lifestyle that would’ve without question led me to a real hell.

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The day I was almost raped..changed my life

The day I cried out.

Today I want to write about the day God began His incredible journey of healing me.

People may look at me now and never even think or believe where I would be if God might’ve never rescued me from a dead lifestyle.
. . . . . .

But when I was only 16 my heart had already felt much pain.
Much hearbreak.
Much rejection.
Nights I would think of suicide.
I thought I knew what I wanted.
I DIDN’T.

How is it that Someone can actually heal and restore your broken up soul!

I have experienced it. I know.

And it all started with a cry.

The year was 2002.
The month.. January.
I did the dangerous.
I took off with a boy I didn’t really know at all.
But hey, I was a teen girl with a bruised and torn heart remember.
We tend to do some pretty stupid things when our heart is broken or wounded.

We drove around a bit. Then… As it got dark and started to snow. He didn’t take me home. He drove his car to an alley right next to a field. And turned off the engine.

Yes. He wanted to have sex.
But no. Of course, I didn’t want to.
He tried to convince me and no not with words.

But with the little of integrity I had left inside of me I looked out the passenger window and (either in my mind or in a whisper) I pleaded:
“God, get me out of this”.

He did. He really really did.

I wiped my tear away slowly because I didn’t want the boy to see me crying as I turned to look at him. He stared at me said,
“Do you want me to take you home”?

Just like that.

I said yes. (Of course)
He started the car and drove me straight home.
I never ever seen him again.

I walked inside my home and into my room. Closed the door.
And cried.
I cried like a baby.
On my knees. I cried out.

Here I was a 16 year old girl that could’ve been raped.
I know God saved me that night.
I know He heard my plea.

And as I cried out in my room that night. God was already beginning the process of healing me.

I gave my heart to Him that night.
That broken, bruised, torn, abused heart. And in return He began to restore me. He began to change my heart and cleanse my mind.
It’s unbelievable really. It truly was a miracle.

Yes, there are things I wish I had never experienced as a young girl. Things and situations that have left scars. But if I had never experienced them I wouldn’t know now how it feels to be healed and restored.
And believe me I do. I do.

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Wasn’t it just yesterday I was a young, dumb teenager??

Well guys….This is it.

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My 30 year birthday is only a week and a half away! How did I get here so quick?

Wasn’t it just yesterday I was a young, dumb, confused, and very lonely teenage girl?

So… as I begin to say good-bye to my twenties I dedicate this post to my soon to be 30 years of LIFE.

I know some might judge me as being old. While others may judge me as still being a “baby”.

But either way one thing I know for darn sure is I have entered a wise stage of life and I want to share some of that.

Here are some things I have learned. . . For life sure has a way of teaching you many things willingly AND unwillingly in 30 years. Right?

1. That even after devastating betrayal your heart is able to forgive. Able to keep beating. And still able to go on.

2. That a lot of stuff you think matters really doesn’t matter at all. Such as the car you drive, the house you live in or what brand of clothes you may be wearing. It just doesn’t matter. We came into this world naked and we will all leave this world not taking one single material thing with us!

3. If God is all you have you already have everything you’ll ever need. (I learned this and number 2 above more deeply last month on a mission trip to Mexico). God gives and God takes away. But if your heart is set and aligned in God than it doesn’t matter what may come or what doesn’t come. Better yet it won’t matter what you own or not. I met beautiful people on our trip last month that did not own much but their faces were radiant with joy and peace. I can not even express the love they bestowed upon me and many didn’t even know me. And I believe it was all because they held the secret many Americans are so desperately looking for. They had God and that was enough!

4. If someone doesn’t like you. IT’S OK!
Now hear me out I’m not talking about treating people with no respect and kindness or in a blatantly rude or cruel manner all the while not understanding why they prefer to stay away from you.
There is a line. What I am saying is I know what it is to love on people and be there for them and all you get in return is their ugliness, hatefullness, and stabs in the back. I know you might not believe this but there are some callous people out there!! Yes even in the “Christian” world. šŸ˜¦ So when you can honestly say you’ve loved them like Jesus. And they still don’t like you. IT’S O-K-A-Y! “Religious” people known as the Pharisees in the Bible hated Jesus. Come on who could hate Jesus? He healed the sick, brought the dead back to life, loved the worse of the worse and even took time to love on children. Really? Yup, they still couldn’t stand Him. So when you come across some “Pharisees” in your life, in your church, or wherever. Remember you can’t make someone like you, you can’t make someone love you, BUT you can always forgive them and pray for them.

5. Simple is beautiful. (Now this something that I am actually in the process of learning). You see from an early age I wore makeup and lots of it. Pretty much it was my identity. Without it I was a nobody. I was ugly. And honestly I still think like that at times. But here recently God began showing me something that in reality I didn’t want to see. He started dealing with my heart. He started trying to let me know that HE is my identity.
When we lose ourselves in wordly matters we lose something that God so lovingly wants us to never forget. That our value comes from Him. And only Him.
Do you know that a prostitute or homeless person on the street is just as valuable and important to God as the pastor or missionary that helps brings souls to Christ? Yes.
God wanted me to understand that He sees me full of worth and beauty no matter how I may look to others.

That’s one reason I truly believe many girls walk around half dressed or why sadly many give themselves away far too easily to boy/man after boy/man, night after night. They are just trying and searching for their self-worth. They just want to feel special. Beautiful. valuable.
So they give their self-respect and body away even if it’s just for 10 minutes of pleasure.

Listen woman YOU ARE FULL OF WORTH! You are LOVED! You are WORTH FIGHTING FOR!
Your value DOES NOT come from what others see when they look at you!
Your identity is in God. Because He made you. He created you!
It may sound too simple I know. It can be hard to really believe that in this world we live in. But it’s the flat out TRUTH.
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It’s something that I am still learning. But it is something that I never want to forget. Especially since it took me practically 30 years to learn!

So guys it may look like I haven’t learned much. But I promise I have. There’s so much more I’ve learned and also so much I want to forget in 30 years.

We all grow up and grow old but we all have a choice to not grow cold.

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I probably would’ve put a gun to my head

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This morning I prayed. And as I sat there on my living room floor I pondered. ….

If you have read some of my other postings you know that God saved me as a young teen girl. I may have been just a young teenager but this young girl already had many plans for her life. Destructive plans. Plans that I now look back and shudder at the thought of what would have become of me if my plans would’ve come to pass. And a question I have thought to myself and asked many times is: Why did God save me before I was totally immersed in the lifestyle I had thought I wanted.So as I sat there musing and talking openly to God. It hit me. Well, it was just a thought but it was almost as if I could feel the truth in it.

I don’t think I would’ve made it out alive.

I sincerely believe I PROBABLY WOULD’VE PUT A GUN TO MY HEAD and pulled the trigger.

I told God all this with tears.

I said God you saved me before perhaps because YOU knew I wouldn’t have made it out alive.

He had so much mercy on me that He called out to me that night as a lonely teenager.

But even though He called. It doesn’t mean I had to have listened.

I could have walked away from Him.

I could have ignored Him.

I could have yelled out to Him in anger instead. Cursing Him for allowing me to go through all that I had gone through up to that point.

But I didn’t.

Oh Thank God I didn’t!

And believe me when I say I don’t think I would’ve put a gun to my head and pulled the trigger simply because “I’m weak”. Or because I just “couldn’t have handled it”. No. I mean yes. Maybe I would’ve been weak. Maybe I would have got to that point where I just couldn’t have handled it anymore. But I believe the real reason I would have pulled that trigger is because of all the SHAME, all the REGRET, and hopelessness I KNOW I would have experienced and felt!

I know I probably would have looked back at my life and wondered where in the world did I go wrong? I know I would have remembered all the times as a little girl that I would run to the back of the shed in my backyard to read my Bible. I know I would have remembered the times I went to church as a young girl and KNEW deep inside that was what life was all about. Worshiping my Creator. I would’ve looked back and remember listening to my mom say her prayers. And as I pulled the trigger I would’ve believed with all my heart that I deserved every ounce of shame.

I would’ve died an empty soul.

Callous, hard, and numb.

But deep inside just truly sad, desperate for real love, and fighting demons that had been assigned to me since childhood.

So I sat there thankful, and in awe of God’s mercy and grace. I cried tears of joy and appreciation that I would never know that day. The day I probably would’ve pulled the trigger.

Thank You Father for saving me. For rescuing me. You seen what could’ve been and you chose to reach out to me that night. You made yourself so real.

I pray You also make Yourself real to all those that are crying out to You today.

Amen.

If God is calling out to you today…please don’t ignore Him. Please don’t push Him away.

You never know what he may be trying to save you from.

Lots Of Love

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photo credit: Hand Model via photopin (license)

Dear you, 15 year old younger me…

DO you know you are not only beautiful but captivating.

Do you know that God really and truly has plans for you. For your life.

Do you know that God seen and knew you even while you were inside your mothers womb.

Do you know He was there that amazingĀ moment you entered into this world.

Those times you felt alone, sad, depressed … Yes… He was there also.

I know it felt like no one cared. But I promise He did. He does.

Those times you felt so REJECTED. His love poured out for you.Your heart beat to know Him.

When others rejected you. When others thought they were too good for you. When others believed you were worthless. He watched you with eyes of fire. A fire of love.

When you really thought that boy loved you. So you ended upĀ giving yourself to him. Mind and Body. He watched with sorrow and sadness. Because He knew the truth. He always does.

But His love remained.

He caught every tear that fell from your eyes when you finally realized that it was never love. Only lust.

I’m sure He whispered that He loved you and that He was madly in love with you when you laid at night on your bed, heartbroken.

He saved you from so much pain even though it may not have felt like it.

And He came running that night. The night you cried out on your knees. It was what He had been waiting for all along. For your heart. For your devotion. For your love.

He picked you up. Washed all your stains and pain away. Healed your heart. Wrapped His arms around you. And whispered again how much He had always loved you.

And then your lifeĀ began………

Love, your twenty-something self.