Suicide almost killed me

I still remember the nights.
The times I would think about suicide.

I wanted to end it all.
I was only 15.

I had already lost my virginity when I started having these thoughts.

A girls virginity does a lot to her worth weather she knows it or not.

I remember being at a place where I would’ve done anything for validation and admiration.
It’s an ugly place to be
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I believe we constantly try so many dead ends to fulfill our broken hearts.
We want to be wanted. And when we realize that we are not wanted always.
We throw ourselves out there.
We post disrespectful pictures of ourselves online.
Girls dress in ways that scream out, “PLEASE WANT ME”!
Some very lonely ones become strippers/escorts/Web cam girls all for the desire to be validated and admired.
Because for some strange reason women have fallen for the big lie that attention equals all of the above.
But sadly when they reach the peak. They learn the sad truth. It was all a mirage.

I was just a teen girl when the suicidal thoughts began. But even so young I felt lied to. Attention wasn’t enough! I tried the boyfriends. I tried sex. I was still depressed. Still heartbroken. Still so alone.
What was the remedy? Was there even one?

I still don’t know why I never actually succumbed to suicide. I know one thing for sure though. 15 years later I am so very thankful I didn’t..

Now that my heart has been restored and fulfilled with a true satisfying love I hurt for all those still searching.
That is why escorts, prostitutes, and porn girls exist because theirs too many humans walking around with their souls screaming out for pure love.

We were created for relationship so it’s no wander that we hunger for relationships. No wander so many go to extreme measures all for the sake of relationships . To be wanted. To be liked. To be “loved”. To be sought after.

And so it’s no surprise that it was in a relationship that I found everything my soul and heart had been screaming out for. A true relationship with God. I say true because I’m not talking religion.
My heart had finally found the One who had created it. And it was there that I let out a huge sigh of relief.
Pure love existed!? Yes. Yes. Yes. A thousand times. YES!
And I promise you it is more beautiful and whole than you can ever imagine.
I pray friend you experience it for yourself; if you haven’t already.

For this Love was powerful enough to crush my fears. Even powerful enough to overcome the suicidal thoughts once and for all.
And that dear friend is… worth it all.

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They show you their ‘goods’ just for a moment of feeling wanted..

I saw a photo yesterday that made me think. Deeply.

It was a picture of a beautiful woman.
Except she was almost naked and she was one of those Webcam girls.
You know the ones that show you all their “goods” just for a moment of feeling wanted.

That is what hit me.
I didn’t look at that girl with disdain or frustration. It was like God showed me what was really going on.
And it was this:

Every human has a desire to be wanted. That’s just the way God made us. After His own image.
Because even God desires you to want Him.

So we as humans do things that make us feel wanted. Why do u think girls become strippers & men become addicted to porn?
It makes them feel wanted.

I actually explained all this to my husband right after and he sat there and listened to me. He stared at me when I was done with an almost reverent look. I knew he knew it to be true.

I explained to him that is why a girl will become a stripper. Because while she is up there dancing she can; even if it’s for 10 mins, believe she is wanted. Her heart whispers “I am wanted”.

And the men watching porn. They can believe that they are also wanted by so many different “big busted sexy babes”.
It doesn’t matter at that momemt who rejected them in the past because at that moment they are wanted. Or so they convince themselves. And as they “believe” that, his heart whispers, “I am wanted”.

So why would a man give up porn if it causes them to feel that way? To feel accepted and wanted. Even if it’s just for 10 mins or an hour.

Let me tell you the desire to be wanted is not bad or wrong in itself. Because God Himself desires us to want Him.
I believe all the little things that God chooses to do for us is all an attempt for us to want Him. That is our hearts cry.
That is why I believe we as humans search out all kinds of things to feel wanted. We search for love in all the wrong places. We search for acceptance in so many vain persuits.

We wander why we feel more alone after and don’t realize that the One who created us is waiting to feel wanted from us also.

God put that emotion inside us to draw us to Him. But instead so many times we let it push us further from Him.

The thing is when your heart hurts after so much rejection…your willing to sacrifice anything to replace that hurt w/ some kind of peace. Even if it is a temporary peace.

As a teen girl I longed to be as far away from rejection as possible. I was sick of rejection from so many.
From not ever being pretty enough for any boy to not being noticed from my very own dad. My heart was in shreds. There seemed to be no cure for this ache I deeply had. Or so I thought. And those four words right there changed my life. I was running after so many empty dead-ends. I know now my desire to become a dancer was just a hopeless attempt to fill that hole I had to be wanted. And I know now that being in porn was just going to leave me more alone than I ever could’ve imagined.

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All I really needed was something to satisfy the lonely ache I had inside me. Something I believe we all want.
Let me tell you I am proof that there is something out there that most definitely does satisfy that urge we all hold.

Believe me when I say that I know that to be true because if not I would not be writing this. I would be in a strip club somewhere. Or staring in pornography. Or even…. dead.

I came home one night and fell on my knees in my bedroom. Yes, I was tired of searching. Tired of aching. So tired of the hellish crys of just wanting to be wanted.

I guess you can say that night I finally wanted God. I desperately wholeheartedly wanted God. And I felt Him that night more real than I had ever.
It wasn’t until I truly wanted God. That I realized how much He had wanted me all along. How much He had called out to me many times before.

I never understood up to then how much God had wanted me. He had been on a search of His own. For me. I had been trying to find something or someone to fill that empty hole in my heart when God had been coming after me all along.
Because you see friend you are the only thing that truly satisfies God.

He wants us to want Him.

It’s as simple as that.

I pray you understand that your search to just be wanted can be over. Mine did. Once I realized who wanted me above all else. And once you come to know that, it will not matter who doesn’t want you. Because you will have found the missing piece. The cure for your ache. You will finally know that you had always been wanted.
That’s the beauty of it all…that we are wanted not because of what we have to offer. But because of who we are.
No fronts. No masks. No lies.

So next time you notice one of those Webcam girls on your twitter. Or hear a story of how a friend of a friend is addicted to pornography.
Remember the’re searching. They are all just searching. And the saddest thing of it all is if only they knew that the One thing their searching for is really searching for them.
Waiting just waiting to be wanted by them.

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photo credit: Why did you leave me…..?? via photopin (license)

Satan wants to destroy their innocence so he can destroy their future

I recently listened to two different stories on video. One of a former porn star and the other of a former homosexual male porn star.
Both were amazing miracles of what God can do in anyone’s life.

I believe God has a plan for everyone.

Our minds are created to believe that there IS something more.
More than just pleasuring ourselves.
More than just the physical.

Many may not want it but EVERYONE is searching for it. For what?
For true peace.
Real love.
True intimacy.

It hurts so much to see innocent children grow up and become something that they never would’ve chosen or even dreamed about when they were let’s say 4 or 5 years old.
That is why I believe that the devil goes after children so hard. He knows if he can destroy their innocence…it will be that much easier to destroy their future. God’s future for them.

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The devil had horrendous plans for my life. Plans that I thought were what I wanted. Plans that I would’ve chosen because of what my childhood had taught me.
We are only molds of what are childhood shape us into.
But of course we all have that choice once we are adults to allow God to break that mold and rebuild a new one.
It's not easy by no means. But it is a journey worth beginning.

Every person has a story they carry.
I sincerely love to hear stories of molds that God broke through. Or what He saved them from. Whatever that may have been.
Homosexuality, pornography, abuse, depression, suicide attempts. Etc.

I know personally for myself my story would have been on that list for sure.

If you are on a path that you wholeheartedly believe your 4 or 5 year old self would NOT be proud of. Would not have chosen. Than just know that your story does not have to end where your at.
Yes Christ saved me from escorting, becoming a stripper, and being in porn. And because of that my story changed.

I now live a life that my young innocent self would have desired.
I am a mom. A wife. Just a normal girl with a simple life. But…
I know peace.
I know what real love is.
I know what true intimacy feels like.
And let me tell you it’s amazing.

If you have a story share it.
I’m only brave enough to share mine for the hope that it encourages and helps one.

All I know is that if I had never allowed God to rebuild and restore me. You probably would’ve met me in some strip club or in some porn video online.
Oh the power in God’s love.
That He is more than willing to rid us of all the ugliness and stains that cover us. To give us a destiny. To speak promises over us. To heal our hearts from all the despicable memories that do us much harm.
Oh a love like that I choose to give up all for.
I pray you would too.

It is what you were created for.

14 yrs ago I said bye forever! No turning back

14 years ago I said bye to boys breaking my heart.
14 yrs ago I turned my back to all the lies I had fell for.
14 yrs ago I kicked the devil in the face when God demolished the devils plans and brutal, violent, merciless path he had for me all along.
Because 14 yrs ago I stood up firmly and became a daughter of the King.

I had to write a little something about the most amazing, miraculous experience that has happened to me.

If you are an active reader to my blog you already know what God saved me from. ( If not please check out some of my other posts)!
So I won’t get into too much of that.
But I will say that no one and I mean NO ONE could ever cause me to deny what happened that night 14 years ago.

Today I was entranced with the fact that it was exactly 14 years ago that I was rescued from a soon to be wicked and vulgar lifestyle.

I actually attended church service tonight. The same church where I was invited that same week I cried out to God.
I felt extremely humbled. Here I was 14 years prior a foolish young teenager with grossly immoral plans for her life when God decides to intervene.

What makes this day much more powerful now then let’s say years before is because now I truly know where I would be and how I would be living(if even still alive) if not for that transforming holy night!

You see I was like your ordinary teen girl. Loving boy’s attention. And trying to get it anyway I could.
And the heartbreaking thing was.. I was actually on my way to doing everything to get that attention.

Let me say that there are NO words that could’ve described my heart today.
To know where I should be compared to where I am now blows me completely away.

Wholeheartedly I believe I would most probably be dead by now.
Like my other posts reveal. The shame and regret eating at my heart would’ve led me to take my very own life.

So this post was just a thank you and reflection of the 14 years of soundness and wholeness I have truly experienced.

14 years ago I experienced my heart being put together.
Little by little.
But miraculously nonetheless!

14 years ago I finally let go of a lifestyle that would’ve without question led me to a real hell.

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The day I was almost raped..changed my life

The day I cried out.

Today I want to write about the day God began His incredible journey of healing me.

People may look at me now and never even think or believe where I would be if God might’ve never rescued me from a dead lifestyle.
. . . . . .

But when I was only 16 my heart had already felt much pain.
Much hearbreak.
Much rejection.
Nights I would think of suicide.
I thought I knew what I wanted.
I DIDN’T.

How is it that Someone can actually heal and restore your broken up soul!

I have experienced it. I know.

And it all started with a cry.

The year was 2002.
The month.. January.
I did the dangerous.
I took off with a boy I didn’t really know at all.
But hey, I was a teen girl with a bruised and torn heart remember.
We tend to do some pretty stupid things when our heart is broken or wounded.

We drove around a bit. Then… As it got dark and started to snow. He didn’t take me home. He drove his car to an alley right next to a field. And turned off the engine.

Yes. He wanted to have sex.
But no. Of course, I didn’t want to.
He tried to convince me and no not with words.

But with the little of integrity I had left inside of me I looked out the passenger window and (either in my mind or in a whisper) I pleaded:
“God, get me out of this”.

He did. He really really did.

I wiped my tear away slowly because I didn’t want the boy to see me crying as I turned to look at him. He stared at me said,
“Do you want me to take you home”?

Just like that.

I said yes. (Of course)
He started the car and drove me straight home.
I never ever seen him again.

I walked inside my home and into my room. Closed the door.
And cried.
I cried like a baby.
On my knees. I cried out.

Here I was a 16 year old girl that could’ve been raped.
I know God saved me that night.
I know He heard my plea.

And as I cried out in my room that night. God was already beginning the process of healing me.

I gave my heart to Him that night.
That broken, bruised, torn, abused heart. And in return He began to restore me. He began to change my heart and cleanse my mind.
It’s unbelievable really. It truly was a miracle.

Yes, there are things I wish I had never experienced as a young girl. Things and situations that have left scars. But if I had never experienced them I wouldn’t know now how it feels to be healed and restored.
And believe me I do. I do.

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Wasn’t it just yesterday I was a young, dumb teenager??

Well guys….This is it.

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My 30 year birthday is only a week and a half away! How did I get here so quick?

Wasn’t it just yesterday I was a young, dumb, confused, and very lonely teenage girl?

So… as I begin to say good-bye to my twenties I dedicate this post to my soon to be 30 years of LIFE.

I know some might judge me as being old. While others may judge me as still being a “baby”.

But either way one thing I know for darn sure is I have entered a wise stage of life and I want to share some of that.

Here are some things I have learned. . . For life sure has a way of teaching you many things willingly AND unwillingly in 30 years. Right?

1. That even after devastating betrayal your heart is able to forgive. Able to keep beating. And still able to go on.

2. That a lot of stuff you think matters really doesn’t matter at all. Such as the car you drive, the house you live in or what brand of clothes you may be wearing. It just doesn’t matter. We came into this world naked and we will all leave this world not taking one single material thing with us!

3. If God is all you have you already have everything you’ll ever need. (I learned this and number 2 above more deeply last month on a mission trip to Mexico). God gives and God takes away. But if your heart is set and aligned in God than it doesn’t matter what may come or what doesn’t come. Better yet it won’t matter what you own or not. I met beautiful people on our trip last month that did not own much but their faces were radiant with joy and peace. I can not even express the love they bestowed upon me and many didn’t even know me. And I believe it was all because they held the secret many Americans are so desperately looking for. They had God and that was enough!

4. If someone doesn’t like you. IT’S OK!
Now hear me out I’m not talking about treating people with no respect and kindness or in a blatantly rude or cruel manner all the while not understanding why they prefer to stay away from you.
There is a line. What I am saying is I know what it is to love on people and be there for them and all you get in return is their ugliness, hatefullness, and stabs in the back. I know you might not believe this but there are some callous people out there!! Yes even in the “Christian” world. ūüė¶ So when you can honestly say you’ve loved them like Jesus. And they still don’t like you. IT’S O-K-A-Y! “Religious” people known as the Pharisees in the Bible hated Jesus. Come on who could hate Jesus? He healed the sick, brought the dead back to life, loved the worse of the worse and even took time to love on children. Really? Yup, they still couldn’t stand Him. So when you come across some “Pharisees” in your life, in your church, or wherever. Remember you can’t make someone like you, you can’t make someone love you, BUT you can always forgive them and pray for them.

5. Simple is beautiful. (Now this something that I am actually in the process of learning). You see from an early age I wore makeup and lots of it. Pretty much it was my identity. Without it I was a nobody. I was ugly. And honestly I still think like that at times. But here recently God began showing me something that in reality I didn’t want to see. He started dealing with my heart. He started trying to let me know that HE is my identity.
When we lose ourselves in wordly matters we lose something that God so lovingly wants us to never forget. That our value comes from Him. And only Him.
Do you know that a prostitute or homeless person on the street is just as valuable and important to God as the pastor or missionary that helps brings souls to Christ? Yes.
God wanted me to understand that He sees me full of worth and beauty no matter how I may look to others.

That’s one reason I truly believe many girls walk around half dressed or why sadly many give themselves away far too easily to boy/man after boy/man, night after night. They are just trying and searching for their self-worth. They just want to feel special. Beautiful. valuable.
So they give their self-respect and body away even if it’s just for 10 minutes of pleasure.

Listen woman YOU ARE FULL OF WORTH! You are LOVED! You are WORTH FIGHTING FOR!
Your value DOES NOT come from what others see when they look at you!
Your identity is in God. Because He made you. He created you!
It may sound too simple I know. It can be hard to really believe that in this world we live in. But it’s the flat out TRUTH.
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It’s something that I am still learning. But it is something that I never want to forget. Especially since it took me practically 30 years to learn!

So guys it may look like I haven’t learned much. But I promise I have. There’s so much more I’ve learned and also so much I want to forget in 30 years.

We all grow up and grow old but we all have a choice to not grow cold.

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photo credit: B-day Candles via photopin (license)

I probably would’ve put a gun to my head

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This morning I prayed. And as I sat there on my living room floor I pondered. ….

If you have read some of my other postings you know that God saved me as a young teen girl. I may have been just a young teenager but this young girl already had many plans for her life. Destructive plans. Plans that I now look back and shudder at the thought of what would have become of me if my plans would’ve come to pass. And a question I have thought to myself and asked many times is: Why did God save me before I was totally immersed in the lifestyle I had thought I wanted.So as I sat there musing and talking openly to God. It hit me. Well, it was just a thought but it was almost as if I could feel the truth in it.

I don’t think I would’ve made it out alive.

I sincerely believe¬†I PROBABLY WOULD’VE PUT A GUN TO MY HEAD¬†and pulled the trigger.

I told God all this with tears.

I said God you saved me before perhaps because YOU knew I wouldn’t have made it out alive.

He had so much mercy on me that He called out to me that night as a lonely teenager.

But even though He called. It doesn’t mean I had to have listened.

I could have walked away from Him.

I could have ignored Him.

I could have yelled out to Him in anger instead. Cursing Him for allowing me to go through all that I had gone through up to that point.

But I didn’t.

Oh Thank God I didn’t!

And believe me when I say I don’t think I would’ve put a gun to my head and pulled the trigger simply¬†because¬†“I’m weak”. Or because I just “couldn’t have handled it”. No. I mean yes. Maybe I would’ve been weak. Maybe I would have got to that point where I just couldn’t have handled it anymore. But I believe the real reason I would have pulled that trigger is because of all the SHAME, all the REGRET, and hopelessness I KNOW I would have experienced and felt!

I know I probably would have looked back at my life and wondered where in the world did I go wrong? I know I would have remembered all the times as a little girl that I would run to the back of the shed in my backyard to read my Bible. I know I would have remembered the times I went to church as a young girl and KNEW deep inside that was what life was all about. Worshiping my Creator. I would’ve looked back and remember listening to my mom say her prayers. And as I pulled the trigger I would’ve believed with all my heart that I deserved every ounce of shame.

I would’ve died an empty soul.

Callous, hard, and numb.

But deep inside just truly sad, desperate for real love, and fighting demons that had been assigned to me since childhood.

So I sat there thankful, and in awe of God’s mercy and grace. I cried tears of joy and appreciation that I would never know that day. The day I probably would’ve pulled the trigger.

Thank You Father for saving me. For rescuing me. You seen what could’ve been and you chose to reach out to me that night. You made yourself so real.

I pray You also make Yourself real to all those that are crying out to You today.

Amen.

If God is calling out to you today…please don’t ignore Him. Please don’t push Him away.

You never know what he may be trying to save you from.

Lots Of Love,

SongsOfIntimacy

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photo credit: Hand Model via photopin (license)

Dear you, 15 year old younger me…

DO you know you are not only beautiful but captivating.

Do you know that God really and truly has plans for you. For your life.

Do you know that God seen and knew you even while you were inside your mothers womb.

Do you know He was there that amazing moment you entered into this world.

Those times you felt alone, sad, depressed … Yes… He was there also.

I know it felt like no one cared. But I promise He did. He does.

Those times you felt so REJECTED. His love poured out for you.Your heart beat to know Him.

When others rejected you. When others thought they were too good for you. When others believed you were worthless. He watched you with eyes of fire. A fire of love.

When you really thought that boy loved you. So you ended up giving yourself to him. Mind and Body. He watched with sorrow and sadness. Because He knew the truth. He always does.

But His love remained.

He caught every tear that fell from your eyes when you finally realized that it was never love. Only lust.

I’m sure He whispered that He loved you and that He was madly in love with you when you laid at night on your bed, heartbroken.

He saved you from so much pain even though it may not have felt like it.

And He came running that night. The night you cried out on your knees. It was what He had been waiting for all along. For your heart. For your devotion. For your love.

He picked you up. Washed all your stains and pain away. Healed your heart. Wrapped His arms around you. And whispered again how much He had always loved you.

And then your life¬†began………

Love, your twenty-something self.

Sick and Tired of Rejection they become Strippers

What drives a girl to become a stripper.
To become so lost and deprived of any true love but still willing to endure the hell involved.

What really makes a woman want to degrade herself by sharing(selling) her body with(to) the world.
To go to bed at night with tears rolling down her cheeks knowing it’s not worth it. But waking up in the morning continuing the vicious cycle.

REJECTION.

I look back now and see my little heart as a small girl. Rejection was written all over it.

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Not only was I rejected by the first man in my life. My dad. I was then later rejected by boys.
I was stinkin’ tired of rejection!
Tired of offering my heart over and over again. And in return receiving pain, lies, and simply being ignored.

Somewhere in my sick mind I knew I could lose rejection once and for all! Finally.
I knew I wanted to pack my bags and be done with my enemy ..rejection.
My bags contained all I needed to endure this new life I thought I wanted.
My “luggage” would be packed with…
Anger
Bitterness and Hatred
Lust
Rebellion
Greed

And only God knows what else.

My anger, bitterness, and hatred towards my father and men in general would be my fuel that would drive me indeed.

Well, it would’ve driven me but my little journey never began.
Because you see at the age of 16. That lonely girl found herself alone in a room, crying out. Yes. She had already packed her bags nice and full. But at the end all the pain. All the hurt. All the lies and anger would not be enough to hold her back from running to The Saviour!

Could there really be a Man that wouldn’t reject her?? She didn’t know but she had to take the chance.
She unpacked her heavy bags. And she cried. Because for once in her life she could finally just be herself and no longer fear rejection. It was as if He wiped away her tears and cradled her broken heart.

She waved bye to those demons and the devil himself that had been waiting outside the door for her. The path that had been paved just for her vanished. And a new one appeared almost instantly.

How can it be that the Creator of the universe cares for me.

I’m forgiven because You were forsaken
I’m accepted. You were condemned
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I’m alive and well- Your spirt is within me- because You died and You rose again.

You see I realize now that Jesus was rejected FOR US. For me.
I had been rejected countless times. But when I ran into His open arms that night He recieved me.

All that past rejection would’ve definitely caused me to become someone I really wouldn’t have wanted to be. To do things I wouldn’t have really wanted to do.
13 years later scary to think where I would be.

Girls,
It’s time.
Time to UNpack your bags. Let it go. And run into the arms of your Saviour.
I promise He will welcome you.
Of course He will. Remember He was rejected so you wouldn’t have to be.

Lots of Love,
SongsofIntimacy

From rejection to finally being accepted.