Dear Husband

Dear Husband,
Looking back, I can almost tell you when the affects of your porn watching/adultery and fantasy began. Because that is when it “all” began.
I no longer was good enough. And I don’t think you even noticed it because neither did I. But so began my own journey. To become the best wife and mom I could be.
I read books, I prayed, cried out to God. And through that process, God did transform me. He showed me things and areas in my life that only He could. I was set free from many “demons” in my heart and life. I became stronger. Less selfish. Amazingly so.
Little did I know. God was making me stronger in ways that would ultimately help me to stay sane, forgive you, and keep loving you after the discovery of your porn problem. I had finally made it so far into my journey of transformation in becoming a very good wife and mom through my eyes. And I believe
through the eyes of God as well.
But unfortunately and sadly not through your eyes. When I found the pornography on your phone. Initially I was shocked. There was no way a man so pure, so godly, so close to God or so I thought would be watching that. And even after you confessed that it was in fact yours. I unbelievably searched for ways that it could have been okay for you to watch it. Because after all you were the righteous one.
But of course not. There was no righteous motive for it.
While I was on ‘my’ journey to become a better wife to you, you had been pleasuring yourself with many other women that your wife could never compare to. No wander I wasn’t good enough. No wander I just couldn’t make you happy. No matter how much I tried. I know now that it hadn’t been my job to make you happy. And that as long as you continued to watch all those “perfect” women being sabotaged to all those cruel and abusive acts. I would NEVER be enough to satisfy you. But through it all, yes, I forgave you. For my kids. For myself. And because of God’s beautiful and amazing grace. Your motives became pure. WE fought for our marriage. You said you gave up the porn/adultery . You proved it to me. I believed that we were going to be okay. I became God’s grace, mercy, and love to you. And through that you became stronger. You became loving again. And oh how you showed me that I was enough. Even though I now know I always have been enough. Because my worth came from God. But somewhere in there, you forgot. I know now that it had to have been because the deep issues inside you hadn’t been dealt with. There was no one who had been through it at that time that could have told you that just because a man no longer watches porn does not necessarily mean he’s free. And little did we both know. You were not free. Yes, you went to church. You payed your tithes. You were even a Bible study leader. But you were not free. But I continued to shower grace and forgiveness because I believed that’s all that was needed. I know now the triggers, anger, attacks, and you withholding affection were all signs that the initial wound and issues that caused you to pave your way to pornography/adultery were blaring and still so alive inside you. And no amount of my forgiveness could heal you. So honestly, it came to me as no surprise when you confessed that you had committed adultery again. This time I was wiser, stronger, and braver. I knew it wasn’t my fault. I knew I could have been the most beautiful, the best anything and you could’ve still chosen porn/adultery/betrayal.

Perhaps because that god is easier to worship and please. Maybe because you can stay wounded, sick, and in your lies. Because that god doesn’t demand change. That god allows you to sulk, manipulate, and even abuse to get your way.

But this time around I will not allow my forgiveness to enable you like I believe it has in times past. I have chosen to put up boundaries. Not only for my sake and healing. But because I love you.
I love you enough to see you healed


That nasty festering wound so deep inside you to be healed. To be repaired. To be fixed. Not for the present. But for the long run. For the future. For your sake.
Because that is what grace does. It loves us too much to leave us the same way. I realize I cannot love you to healing. You will have to want it for yourself. So bad. For too long I tried. I gave in to your sulking. I gave in to your manipulations. I allowed myself to become trapped in a vicious cycle. Because I believed that is what God wanted me to do. At the end of the day all I ever wanted was to please God. But now God has shown me. He has spoken to me.
And so what if, you couldn’t see the truth. The truth that you need help. The truth that you need healing for those deep scary issues that are hiding and lurking so deep inside you…. because I believed that you would see them through me just loving and forgiving you every time your warning signs went off. I see now that God does indeed forgive us but many times there is consequences to our ‘sins’ we choose to continue to go back to. And I refuse to no longer just allow your ‘sin’. Or should I say your wounds to bleed onto me, your wife, and onto and into our children. I don’t know what you will choose. It scares me to think you may choose your comfort over the journey of transformation. But know I will no longer cover up. I will no longer allow myself to be manipulated. I will no longer allow to be emotionally abused. I will no longer stay quiet in the hope to be that “perfect, godly wife”. While watching you slowly dig yourself deeper into the sickness that will eventually destroy you completely. No, I choose to speak up so you can be made whole again. So you can become the man I know is still somewhere inside you. I pray you choose the help you need, For your kids, But ultimately for yourself. God has let me know He will care for me and take care of me no matter what you choose. And it is because of that peace that I am able to love you enough to say choose recovery, choose healing, choose help. Because by choosing that. You choose your family. You choose your future with us in it.
I love you. I love us. I love our happy memories. But I refuse to sit and watch this door that was opened when you were so innocent, so many years ago to continue to beat you down with us in it. I love you too much to watch you pass those same wounds onto our kids. I know you probably don’t see or understand what I’m talking about. But that is just the proof that you do need help.
You cannot continue to do it alone.
I will never stop praying for you. No matter what you choose.
Your Wife

I hate you… (A letter to porn)

I hate you.

I hate what you stand for.
I hate what you do to them.

I hate what you did to him.

I cry at times.
You see, you transform something in the mind.

Its hard to explain.
(But if you have endured a battle with pornography OR know someone who has you know exactly what I mean).
It’s like their mind has been taken hostage.

 I know the pain you cause.

But know that I am NOT blaming the individuals you use for your sick pleasures.

I believe they too are in bondage.

 You suffocate souls.

All that is left of them are weak, pitiful, sorrowful corpses.

You see porn, I was a victim of your gross game. You helped rip out my heart out of my chest and slice it in a million pieces. I’ll never forget that day.

The day I found out my husband had succumbed to your hellish pit.

Your mockery and laughter I’m sure rang in the background as my heart shriveled, my mind became foggy and time seemed to slow down.

I hate you porn.

Yes, I know. I know. He willingly gave in. He CHOSE to buy into his passion and desires all those moments.

But I doubt IF he had truly understood what was happening. What he was giving himself over to. And the trials that would now lay ahead of him he would never had tasted of your corrosion.

But he did. But he chose to see you for what you really are. And he walked away from your dungeon.

Yes, there is an escape. Even though you tell them there isn’t. THERE IS!

God rescued him. And I loved him.

Yes, I did the unbelievable.

I forgave.

But I hate you porn. Because I know who you really are.

I can see through your fabrication. And now he sees it too. Actually so many do.

I hate you for the way you messed up his mind. But I’m praying.

I still hurt. My heart still bleeds sometimes. I still wonder at times if I’m “good enough”.

Your lies at times fill my mind. Your so good at that.

Slowly my heart is being repaired. The memories and pain can be extremely excruciating when they flood over me.

But I know The Healer that makes all things new.

But I won’t try to downplay how evil you are.

Remember one thing porn. I’m coming after you. Not physically. Because I know that is not how you are fought. Many try that but only continue to suffer.

I’m coming after you with prayer.

For you are an invisible enemy. That prowls after spiritually weak men. And once you have them in your grasp…


The whole while they truly believe they are real men while you visiously take their strength and watch as they succumb to nothingness.

But you have one less man in your cell. One more man that KNOWS who you really are.

I pray more men will realize there is a way out. There is hope.

But it is not fought in a physical battle. It is way much more then that.

The thief comes only to steal, kill and destroy. (John 10:10)

That is exactly what you are. A thief.

You steal, kill, and enjoy destroying families, MARRIAGES, souls.

SO yes, I hate you. But because of you I have learned the true meaning of forgiveness.

I have felt what it is to shower someone that does not deserve it with true love and mercy. And it is then that Jesus’ horrible death becomes more understandable. We did not deserve His love but He Still willingly gave Himself to die for us. He willingly loves us at our worst.

Because of you I know how it feels to have God carry me and lift me up while my feet scrape the ground.

And I promise that alone is one of the most amazing feelings in the world.

As the old saying goes “I have learned to kiss the wave that throws me against the Rock of Ages”.

So thank you.

Because of you I learned how strong my God really is.

And He said to me,

“My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” 

(II Corinthians 12:9)





Sick and Tired of Rejection they become Strippers

What drives a girl to become a stripper.
To become so lost and deprived of any true love but still willing to endure the hell involved.

What really makes a woman want to degrade herself by sharing(selling) her body with(to) the world.
To go to bed at night with tears rolling down her cheeks knowing it’s not worth it. But waking up in the morning continuing the vicious cycle.


I look back now and see my little heart as a small girl. Rejection was written all over it.


Not only was I rejected by the first man in my life. My dad. I was then later rejected by boys.
I was stinkin’ tired of rejection!
Tired of offering my heart over and over again. And in return receiving pain, lies, and simply being ignored.

Somewhere in my sick mind I knew I could lose rejection once and for all! Finally.
I knew I wanted to pack my bags and be done with my enemy ..rejection.
My bags contained all I needed to endure this new life I thought I wanted.
My “luggage” would be packed with…
Bitterness and Hatred

And only God knows what else.

My anger, bitterness, and hatred towards my father and men in general would be my fuel that would drive me indeed.

Well, it would’ve driven me but my little journey never began.
Because you see at the age of 16. That lonely girl found herself alone in a room, crying out. Yes. She had already packed her bags nice and full. But at the end all the pain. All the hurt. All the lies and anger would not be enough to hold her back from running to The Saviour!

Could there really be a Man that wouldn’t reject her?? She didn’t know but she had to take the chance.
She unpacked her heavy bags. And she cried. Because for once in her life she could finally just be herself and no longer fear rejection. It was as if He wiped away her tears and cradled her broken heart.

She waved bye to those demons and the devil himself that had been waiting outside the door for her. The path that had been paved just for her vanished. And a new one appeared almost instantly.

How can it be that the Creator of the universe cares for me.

I’m forgiven because You were forsaken
I’m accepted. You were condemned
I’m alive and well- Your spirt is within me- because You died and You rose again.

You see I realize now that Jesus was rejected FOR US. For me.
I had been rejected countless times. But when I ran into His open arms that night He recieved me.

All that past rejection would’ve definitely caused me to become someone I really wouldn’t have wanted to be. To do things I wouldn’t have really wanted to do.
13 years later scary to think where I would be.

It’s time.
Time to UNpack your bags. Let it go. And run into the arms of your Saviour.
I promise He will welcome you.
Of course He will. Remember He was rejected so you wouldn’t have to be.

Lots of Love,

From rejection to finally being accepted.


Porn Porn Everywhere

It’s everywhere!
But that’s only part of the problem


The biggest issue is that it is going into our minds. Seeping in. Making it’s home in our very own hearts!

This is scary people.

It is what a lot of young boys are growing up on.
Kids hearts and minds are innocent, tender, trusting and need to be safeguarded from the negative influences of increasingly violent and sexualized media!


Pornography teaches sex without love, intimacy, tender touch, responsibility, and commitment.”!!

Pornography is more then a small sexual “secret”. Believe me I’ve read enough, I’ve seen enough and I have felt enough to KNOW it is an extremely wicked problem!

It may have started as a “fun” guilty pleasure but it has now (thanks to the internet) grown into a massive and festering addiction.

Pornography should be banned as SUPER-ADDICTIVE and DANGEROUS drug/behaviour much like Heroin, Crack, Crystal Meth!:

The research is there.
The findings are true.
Porn is as addictive as drugs!
Addicts crave it. Not because they necessarily like it.
Chances are they don’t even want to give in and watch it. But the cravings are there and they only continue to get BIGGER every time the addict gives in and bites!

It really is a very sad epidemic.
If you dont consider yourself a porn/sex addict then you might deny these facts.
You might only consider yourself “a moderate user”. But as any drug addict will testify. The cravings will grow undoubtedly.

And with porn there is NO EXCEPTION!
Just ask the man that can tell you that it all began when he just started with “normal” porn videos and/or images. But eventually his body needed more. His “fun” ended with an arrest of child pornography.
But you say that won’t happen to you. How can you be sure?
Are you willing to take that risk?

Is porn really that good that you would sacrifice everything for it?
Not only do you lose your purity and if you’re a man your manhood. But if that’s not enough your family, your wife, your children, and your respect is also all on the line!
So tell me is it truly worth it?

I’m sure the husband that has already lost it ALL would tell you it’s not!
I’m sure the wife that has felt the agony and excruciating heartbreak because of it would tell you it’s not!
And I’m sure the children that have been neglected and pushed to the side all because of their dad’s porn/sexual addiction/problem would cry out it’s not!

I pretty sure we all have heard the stories how an addiction started with a few beers. A couple cigarettes. A line of coke. No addict intended to become a full blown out addict.

No human being with a heart intends to neglect, abuse, push away, scar, or destroy the very ones they love and who love them.

Pornography leads to affairs. (Because it is an affair)!
Pornography can lead to rape. Pornography leads people into hellish fetishes that they would have never ever thought about in the first place without porn.


Pornography IS NOT NORMAL.
How can humans being degraded, abused and used be normal??

You watch that porn video and it starts off feeling good but believe me; not too far away there is a man or woman who is alone in his/her room pounding the floor, asking God to take away this vicious addiction! And he/she would tell you don’t do it! Don’t even begin with that one video! Don’t even think about it.

I as a parent would honestly advise my children to not even begin messing around with any drug.
So the same goes with porn.
It is a drug!
And I pray that one day it will be illegal and completely banned.
The repercussions are huge!

I am very positive that many reading could easily admit to falling into the trap of pornography.
I am very positive that many reading could admit that pronography did indeed lead them to do other things they truly did not even want to do.

Sex was NEVER meant to be dirty.
Sex is more then an act.
It’s something so deep.
Something so personal and private but not because it’s shameful. But because it’s meant to be between two people who sacrificially love each other with no doubt, no reserve.
And when you love somebody so sacrificially, & so immensely you do not want to share that personal and private bond with nobody!! No, not a picture, not a video, no peeking! That bond, that personal time… NO ONE should be able to sneak upon, to peek upon, or to watch it!

Sex is an intertwining of a husband and wife’s soul. They are one. And God, yes God looks upon that as good.

Your soul is costly woman.
You can not just give it away to any man. I mean you could but why? When your soul has so much more meaning and purpose! Your soul longs to be one with another soul. But you can in no way give yourself(your soul) away repeatedly to guy after guy with NO consequences.
You hurt yourself painfully more then you know when you do. It’s almost like you burn away at your own heart. Your heart over time becomes hardened and numb.

That is what I believe happens to all those precious girls in those porn videos. At the end they lose out.
Oh what many of them would give just to gain back their innocence.


And they have the porn/sex addict to thank for a lot of their pain.
For demand fuels the porn industry.
Kill the demand. Kill the porn industry.
Not that easy. I know. But it’s a start.

There may be a lot we can’t do.
But I know there is way more we CAN do! Even if it’s a small change.

So come on! Lets fight this demon!
I believe in you.


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On Twitter: @songsofintimacy
And help share awareness with this hashtag #LetsFightThisDemon

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photo credit: H o l l y. via photopin cc