Dear Husband

Dear Husband,
Looking back, I can almost tell you when the affects of your porn watching/adultery and fantasy began. Because that is when it “all” began.
I no longer was good enough. And I don’t think you even noticed it because neither did I. But so began my own journey. To become the best wife and mom I could be.
I read books, I prayed, cried out to God. And through that process, God did transform me. He showed me things and areas in my life that only He could. I was set free from many “demons” in my heart and life. I became stronger. Less selfish. Amazingly so.
Little did I know. God was making me stronger in ways that would ultimately help me to stay sane, forgive you, and keep loving you after the discovery of your porn problem. I had finally made it so far into my journey of transformation in becoming a very good wife and mom through my eyes. And I believe
through the eyes of God as well.
But unfortunately and sadly not through your eyes. When I found the pornography on your phone. Initially I was shocked. There was no way a man so pure, so godly, so close to God or so I thought would be watching that. And even after you confessed that it was in fact yours. I unbelievably searched for ways that it could have been okay for you to watch it. Because after all you were the righteous one.
But of course not. There was no righteous motive for it.
While I was on ‘my’ journey to become a better wife to you, you had been pleasuring yourself with many other women that your wife could never compare to. No wander I wasn’t good enough. No wander I just couldn’t make you happy. No matter how much I tried. I know now that it hadn’t been my job to make you happy. And that as long as you continued to watch all those “perfect” women being sabotaged to all those cruel and abusive acts. I would NEVER be enough to satisfy you. But through it all, yes, I forgave you. For my kids. For myself. And because of God’s beautiful and amazing grace. Your motives became pure. WE fought for our marriage. You said you gave up the porn/adultery . You proved it to me. I believed that we were going to be okay. I became God’s grace, mercy, and love to you. And through that you became stronger. You became loving again. And oh how you showed me that I was enough. Even though I now know I always have been enough. Because my worth came from God. But somewhere in there, you forgot. I know now that it had to have been because the deep issues inside you hadn’t been dealt with. There was no one who had been through it at that time that could have told you that just because a man no longer watches porn does not necessarily mean he’s free. And little did we both know. You were not free. Yes, you went to church. You payed your tithes. You were even a Bible study leader. But you were not free. But I continued to shower grace and forgiveness because I believed that’s all that was needed. I know now the triggers, anger, attacks, and you withholding affection were all signs that the initial wound and issues that caused you to pave your way to pornography/adultery were blaring and still so alive inside you. And no amount of my forgiveness could heal you. So honestly, it came to me as no surprise when you confessed that you had committed adultery again. This time I was wiser, stronger, and braver. I knew it wasn’t my fault. I knew I could have been the most beautiful, the best anything and you could’ve still chosen porn/adultery/betrayal.

Perhaps because that god is easier to worship and please. Maybe because you can stay wounded, sick, and in your lies. Because that god doesn’t demand change. That god allows you to sulk, manipulate, and even abuse to get your way.

But this time around I will not allow my forgiveness to enable you like I believe it has in times past. I have chosen to put up boundaries. Not only for my sake and healing. But because I love you.
I love you enough to see you healed

.

That nasty festering wound so deep inside you to be healed. To be repaired. To be fixed. Not for the present. But for the long run. For the future. For your sake.
Because that is what grace does. It loves us too much to leave us the same way. I realize I cannot love you to healing. You will have to want it for yourself. So bad. For too long I tried. I gave in to your sulking. I gave in to your manipulations. I allowed myself to become trapped in a vicious cycle. Because I believed that is what God wanted me to do. At the end of the day all I ever wanted was to please God. But now God has shown me. He has spoken to me.
And so what if, you couldn’t see the truth. The truth that you need help. The truth that you need healing for those deep scary issues that are hiding and lurking so deep inside you…. because I believed that you would see them through me just loving and forgiving you every time your warning signs went off. I see now that God does indeed forgive us but many times there is consequences to our ‘sins’ we choose to continue to go back to. And I refuse to no longer just allow your ‘sin’. Or should I say your wounds to bleed onto me, your wife, and onto and into our children. I don’t know what you will choose. It scares me to think you may choose your comfort over the journey of transformation. But know I will no longer cover up. I will no longer allow myself to be manipulated. I will no longer allow to be emotionally abused. I will no longer stay quiet in the hope to be that “perfect, godly wife”. While watching you slowly dig yourself deeper into the sickness that will eventually destroy you completely. No, I choose to speak up so you can be made whole again. So you can become the man I know is still somewhere inside you. I pray you choose the help you need, For your kids, But ultimately for yourself. God has let me know He will care for me and take care of me no matter what you choose. And it is because of that peace that I am able to love you enough to say choose recovery, choose healing, choose help. Because by choosing that. You choose your family. You choose your future with us in it.
I love you. I love us. I love our happy memories. But I refuse to sit and watch this door that was opened when you were so innocent, so many years ago to continue to beat you down with us in it. I love you too much to watch you pass those same wounds onto our kids. I know you probably don’t see or understand what I’m talking about. But that is just the proof that you do need help.
You cannot continue to do it alone.
I will never stop praying for you. No matter what you choose.
Love,
Your Wife

Advertisements

10 thoughts on “Dear Husband

  1. Thank you for being so vulnerable and sharing your pain and hurt. Your husband’s actions have left you traumatized. My wife and I worked with men who are struggling with sexual and pornography addiction as well as women who are dealing with their betrayal. We see the pain you expressed up close everyday and it breaks our heart. You are right about your husband. If he wants to stop he can’t do it alone. The lone wolf fails. He must step above his shame and reach out for others to help him. And he should do it not only for himself, but for you too. Again, thanks for being so brave.

    • Thank you so much for reading and for your comment.
      It is indeed extreamly heartbreaking. The mass that is involved with this is excruciating. So many that are also suffering in silence as well. That is another reason I chose to break my silence because I truly believe there are more women out there that may be feeling alone and suffering in silence with no hope. I hope this letter reaches every hurting heart that is being affected with this. To let them know they are not alone.

  2. Your letter ministered to me. I am in the exact same situation. Husband left 2 years ago but never filed for divorce. There is porn and a current affair. Blamed me for many things that were not true. Never gave our marriage a real shot because he was a porn addict before he met me. I know this all led to the affair. Married 18 years with 3 children. The road has been long and now I am filing for divorce. He sees kids but emotionally he has totally shut down. You can’t give what you don’t have. I pray daily for him. I never thought I would have to walk through a divorce but here I am. I know God will protect me and my children and I pray daily for husbands deliverance.

    • I am so sorry. Words are never enough in times and moments like this. Truly heartbreaking. But know you are not alone. This is an epidemic that is coming after so many! I truly believe porn leads to so many other heart wrenching things. Such as affairs. That is why it can never be taken lightly. Or brushed aside too quickly. The blaming is just one of the tendencies that is used to block shame and guilt. And other emotions that come with their sin being exposed. But the beautiful thing is once they are in recovery and surrendered to God, God begins to uncover all the deeper wounds that cause it and they then can begin to own up to it all and healing comes. Oh how it comes flooding in. That is what your husband unfortunately didn’t see. But hopefully one day soon he will! That healing is not as far as he thinks.
      The porn problem most assuredly usually begins way before marriage and even way before he met you, his wife. Porn is only the symptom of deep brokenness inside him and all the others sucked into this hole.
      And yes! God will protect, provide, care and watch over you and your children. You are highly special to him. Continue to cherish yourself and your babies. God hears your prayers for your husband. And that battle is his and his alone. No matter what happens, your heart will be and is transformed to something beyond beautiful. Beauty for ashes.
      You are enough and worthy. xx

  3. This is just such a wonderful open and honest letter to a husband whose past hurts are still being self medicated. I was so enthralled that I started crying reading. So beautifully written because it did come from the heart.

    This one sentence spoke volumes to me…
    “Because that god doesn’t demand change.” So powerful!

    As an ex-porn addict I am so sorry you have had to go through this. I am also sorry your husband has too, for I know the pains of the addictions.

    God bless you sis!
    Stu

    • Thank you for your comment. It means a lot to me that my pain could speak to anyone. The pain that is involved with porn, betrayal, infidelity and the means is excruciating. Sometimes it’s hard for those looking in from the outside to comprehend or even have sympathy. But it truly brings hope when someone who does understand can relate. Thank you for reading this very personal letter.

  4. Pingback: Breaking The Chains: One Link At A Time – Something to Stu Over

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s