Happy Birthday the year I would’ve died

My 31st birthday has come and gone.

And as I sit here I know I am blessed just to still be alive.

I don’t believe I would be here if I had never committed my heart to God.

I believe with all my heart this probably would have been the year of my death.

I grew up a very lonely kid.

I was exposed to sex way too early to say the least.

I gave myself away too young. Willingly. I didn’t see my virginity as a gift. I just saw sex as something fun to do.

But I can honestly say my sucidal thoughts began after I gave the gift of my virginity away.

The sucidal thoughts were not fun. The tears and much heartbreak was not fun. So why did I believe the lie that sex was just something to play around with?

I didn’t grow up in a family filled with love. I grew up with a drunk dad and a fearful mother. Love was scarce.

My mom showed us enough love to get us by and believe me I am truly grateful for that now. BUT a daughter wants needs love from her father. Every woman longs to hear the words, “You are beautiful“. And when it comes from our father it means so much more to us. Oh how I wish I could give every fatherless daughter out there the dad they truly deserve.

But I can’t. It’s heartbreaking to me. If more girls knew their worth they wouldn’t have to go out searching for it.

That is exactly what I did. I went out searching for a father’s love. Even though at the time I didn’t realize that was what I was doing. I hungered for that missing piece to my life desperately. That is what so many girls out there are truly doing. Searching for a father’s love, acceptance, and approval. But the sad thing is they don’t even realize their doing it.

Girls falling for the traps of pimps. Woman allowing men to treat them so disrespectful. The list can go on and on. All in the name of “love“. I believe that is why many women get stuck in relationships with men that are controlling and domineering because in a sense they are like a father to them. They fall for the lie that these men are only “protecting” them. And so they return to abusive, jealous mates.

In a sense we girls are just running around begging to be loved.. Seeking approval. We are asking this question to whoever will listen, “Am I enough”?. “Am I beautiful enough”. “Smart enough”? “Am I worth it”? Will somebody please tell me that I am enough?! We actually never stop asking these questions. And believe me our daughters ask the very same questions as well. So make sure to answer their questions. Tell them they are enough! Tell them they are pretty enough! Smart enough! Tell them they are worthy of love. Perhaps they will grow up believing it friend.

I’ll always remember the time I watched a little girl brushing her hair and every few seconds would turn to me and ask “Do I look beautiful like this”? That is the exact question us as women are truly asking. Perhaps not verbally. But certainly internally.

And that right there is what would’ve sadly caused me to end my very own life. The never ending journey of searching for that love. Because you see what I didn’t know was that I would never find that love. Because that love is not to be found. That love I was seeking after. That love we are all seeking after is searching for us. It must find us. Not the other way around.

I came to that place where I was tired of looking. Tired of being hurt. Sick and tired of dead ends. And there my friend is when I finally felt the love I had always wanted. I knew it was finally real because it answered all my questions.

That night in my room after coming home from almost being raped. I opened up a Bible that just happened to be next to my bed. That night I read the story of the prodigal son. The story in Luke 15:11-32. God was basically telling me that He was the Father I had been longing for. His perfect love was enough to sustain me. His love was and is pure. No strings attached.

He was waiting for me with open arms. Waiting for me all along. It was the most beautiful thing I had ever felt.

I knew then that my search was over! It had finally come to an end. I had a Father’s love. Even when my physical father had failed me. God’s love for me was eternal. He would never forsake me.

I gave God that night my broken and bruised heart. In return He gave me a peace so real I cannot even express in words.

That is why I believe this probably would have been the year I would have blew my brains out. There’s only so much a girl can take. I wouldn’t say I’m a weak soul. But the journey to finding a father’s love is HARD! Girls become strippers. Escorts. Web cam girls. Porn stars. You name it.

When your desperate for love, you will do anything to get it.

Just look around. She’s everywhere. Look into her eyes next time. Pay attention. She’s asking the question. “Am I enough”? Am I? Please somebody, anybody?

I know how it feels to be without that love. I also know what it feels like when that love finally finds you!

Let that love in girl. Don’t be scared. I know it’s hard to trust again. I know you’ve been hurt so many times. Too many times. I know. But I promise you God’s love isn’t like all that. He finds you the way you are but loves you too much to leave you that way.

Thank You Father for not leaving me where you found me. I could be dead by now. I know sadly many died rejecting Your love. I pray for all the fatherless daughters that may be reading this. Father please let them feel your love. Perhaps they had a dad. But He wasn’t a picture of true, pure love. Let them know that You will never hurt them. Amen.

Oh sister believe me when I say you won’t regret letting go and surrendering to God’s love. Your search can finallly be over! You could finally be free.

Love for you,


photo credit: r.nial.bradshaw <a href=”http://www.flickr.com/photos/33227787@N05/8149424252″>bloody-hand-print.jpg</a&gt; via <a href=”http://photopin.com”>photopin</a&gt; <a href=”https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0/”>(license)</a&gt;

2 thoughts on “Happy Birthday the year I would’ve died

  1. Pingback: Snakes In The Playground | Something to Stu Over

  2. Thank you so much for sharing this. As a dad, who loves his daughter deeply I always try to express to her how beautiful and talented she is. I truly wish more dads understood how vital that is for their daughters.

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