Suicide almost killed me

I still remember the nights.
The times I would think about suicide.

I wanted to end it all.
I was only 15.

I had already lost my virginity when I started having these thoughts.

A girls virginity does a lot to her worth weather she knows it or not.

I remember being at a place where I would’ve done anything for validation and admiration.
It’s an ugly place to be
.

I believe we constantly try so many dead ends to fulfill our broken hearts.
We want to be wanted. And when we realize that we are not wanted always.
We throw ourselves out there.
We post disrespectful pictures of ourselves online.
Girls dress in ways that scream out, “PLEASE WANT ME”!
Some very lonely ones become strippers/escorts/Web cam girls all for the desire to be validated and admired.
Because for some strange reason women have fallen for the big lie that attention equals all of the above.
But sadly when they reach the peak. They learn the sad truth. It was all a mirage.

I was just a teen girl when the suicidal thoughts began. But even so young I felt lied to. Attention wasn’t enough! I tried the boyfriends. I tried sex. I was still depressed. Still heartbroken. Still so alone.
What was the remedy? Was there even one?

I still don’t know why I never actually succumbed to suicide. I know one thing for sure though. 15 years later I am so very thankful I didn’t..

Now that my heart has been restored and fulfilled with a true satisfying love I hurt for all those still searching.
That is why escorts, prostitutes, and porn girls exist because theirs too many humans walking around with their souls screaming out for pure love.

We were created for relationship so it’s no wander that we hunger for relationships. No wander so many go to extreme measures all for the sake of relationships . To be wanted. To be liked. To be “loved”. To be sought after.

And so it’s no surprise that it was in a relationship that I found everything my soul and heart had been screaming out for. A true relationship with God. I say true because I’m not talking religion.
My heart had finally found the One who had created it. And it was there that I let out a huge sigh of relief.
Pure love existed!? Yes. Yes. Yes. A thousand times. YES!
And I promise you it is more beautiful and whole than you can ever imagine.
I pray friend you experience it for yourself; if you haven’t already.

For this Love was powerful enough to crush my fears. Even powerful enough to overcome the suicidal thoughts once and for all.
And that dear friend is… worth it all.

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7 thoughts on “Suicide almost killed me

  1. Wow! Not many people will admit the dark side of their past. However, sharing your past will free someone hearing it now. I’m thankful you didn’t succumb to those thoughts. As a result, you will free so many others who consider suicide. They will think if YOU can overcome and survive, they can too.

    • Thank you SO much!
      I would’ve never thought then that one day I would be sharing my story! How many lonely girls out there are thinking about suicide even now…..I pray God leads them to this post. I pray most of all that they will surrender to the only Love that can make them whole and rid them of those suicidal thoughts from hell!!
      Again never thought my struggles could have been used for God to speak to another human being. How wonderful and a privilege. 🙂 Even though at the moment it’s devastating. We are proof that there is more in life. So much more and beautiful and fulfilling. ❤

  2. This is moving and unashamed. Thanks for writing it. I’m glad your still here as you will be able to help so many others through their dark suicidal thoughts, like this blog. Definitely following you to hear more. I like your heart. Stephen.

    • Thank you so much! I’m in awe of God and everything He’s done in my life. But also watching Him restore others makes this journey a wonderful adventure! Not boring at all☺
      Thank you for reading.

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