Your not supposed to be here!
You were NEVER supposed to be here.
At least I NEVER wanted you to be here.
I didn’t believe you would make it here.
You see you were getting closer and closer to the plans I had for you at such a young age.
I still remember you believing you knew what you wanted in life.
All you ever wanted was love, attention, and acceptance.
And I was going to give all that to you.
Well, at least a counterfeit of it BUT that is what I am and what I do.
I give people false and temporary love, attention, and acceptance all the while making them believe that it is real and lasting.
But of course that is something I can not give.
I was disgustingly excited when I watched your heart break over and over first by your dad and later by different guys.
I knew you were getting closer to the life I had for you!
Do you remember those nights you cried in your room thinking of suicide?
Yes, that was ME. I placed those thoughts in your head! I so desperately wanted you to end it all.
Because than your soul most certainly would have been MINE.
But His mercy surrounded you. His Love covered you and protected you so many times.
But I thought I had you finally when I filled your heart and mind with those horrible lies.
The lies that giving yourself away so cheaply and freely would finally bring the attention and love your soul needed.
But of course I knew the truth. It wouldn’t. It never does.
But I never stop trying to cause you stupid humans to fall for it.
To fall for the lies that sick, perverted and/or godless things will bring happiness.
So many fall for it. I ENJOY it!
I HATE the fact that He pursued you. That He went after you to rescue you from me and my plans for you.
And He did.
You were so close. So very close. I knew how much damage I could have done to you!
Turning a helpless heartbroken, fatherless little girl into everything that caused Him to be crucified on that cross.
I knew what I wanted for you.
Sick, twisted, VILE things! Yes.
I savored the taste of you being
A life wasted. Gone. Yes!
A soul destroyed.
A heart torn and ripped apart. Over and over again.
Oh. How much I would have enjoyed that.
So you see your not supposed to be here.
But He listened to your cry’s and groans that night. He was watching you that night. And the second He heard your plea.He answered. He rushed in. He does that a lot. I know it. That is why I try everything to stop you from crying out to Him.
All the pain. All the hurt. All the affliction was not enough to hold you back from saying that prayer that night.
That prayer saved your life.
I hate that night. Because that night the road I had paved for you was demolished.
Don’t you understand you were never supposed to have a family.
You were not supposed to have joy.
You were not ever supposed to know freedom.
I wanted only sorrow and despair for you. And Pain. Lots of it.
Worthlessness, guilt, shame. I love Shame.
And at the end of it all…suicide.
But you escaped. The night He rescued you.
You have peace now. You have Love. You have power. You have The Truth.
But I have so many other girls that were just like you. Many choose to reject Him.
Many choose to walk away from Him not even realizing that He is actually everything they really want and need.
I may have lost you.
But I will never stop trying to drag others down the same path I had for you!
Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil walks about like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour.
-I Peter 5:8
At the age of 15 I had already decided I wanted to enter what I now know is the sex industry.
It is only because of the grace of God that I was saved from that lifestyle. I don’t know why I was and so many other girls are not. But what I do know is if I had never cried out and been rescued that night I would’ve most assuredly been wisked away into a vile and perverse world that I believe with my whole heart would have ended in taking my very own life.
My heart pounds with gratitude. How can it not.
My life now is a dream compared to the horrific nightmare it would’ve been if it not been for a loving God.