Suicide almost killed me

I still remember the nights.
The times I would think about suicide.

I wanted to end it all.
I was only 15.

I had already lost my virginity when I started having these thoughts.

A girls virginity does a lot to her worth weather she knows it or not.

I remember being at a place where I would’ve done anything for validation and admiration.
It’s an ugly place to be
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I believe we constantly try so many dead ends to fulfill our broken hearts.
We want to be wanted. And when we realize that we are not wanted always.
We throw ourselves out there.
We post disrespectful pictures of ourselves online.
Girls dress in ways that scream out, “PLEASE WANT ME”!
Some very lonely ones become strippers/escorts/Web cam girls all for the desire to be validated and admired.
Because for some strange reason women have fallen for the big lie that attention equals all of the above.
But sadly when they reach the peak. They learn the sad truth. It was all a mirage.

I was just a teen girl when the suicidal thoughts began. But even so young I felt lied to. Attention wasn’t enough! I tried the boyfriends. I tried sex. I was still depressed. Still heartbroken. Still so alone.
What was the remedy? Was there even one?

I still don’t know why I never actually succumbed to suicide. I know one thing for sure though. 15 years later I am so very thankful I didn’t..

Now that my heart has been restored and fulfilled with a true satisfying love I hurt for all those still searching.
That is why escorts, prostitutes, and porn girls exist because theirs too many humans walking around with their souls screaming out for pure love.

We were created for relationship so it’s no wander that we hunger for relationships. No wander so many go to extreme measures all for the sake of relationships . To be wanted. To be liked. To be “loved”. To be sought after.

And so it’s no surprise that it was in a relationship that I found everything my soul and heart had been screaming out for. A true relationship with God. I say true because I’m not talking religion.
My heart had finally found the One who had created it. And it was there that I let out a huge sigh of relief.
Pure love existed!? Yes. Yes. Yes. A thousand times. YES!
And I promise you it is more beautiful and whole than you can ever imagine.
I pray friend you experience it for yourself; if you haven’t already.

For this Love was powerful enough to crush my fears. Even powerful enough to overcome the suicidal thoughts once and for all.
And that dear friend is… worth it all.

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They show you their ‘goods’ just for a moment of feeling wanted..

I saw a photo yesterday that made me think. Deeply.

It was a picture of a beautiful woman.
Except she was almost naked and she was one of those Webcam girls.
You know the ones that show you all their “goods” just for a moment of feeling wanted.

That is what hit me.
I didn’t look at that girl with disdain or frustration. It was like God showed me what was really going on.
And it was this:

Every human has a desire to be wanted. That’s just the way God made us. After His own image.
Because even God desires you to want Him.

So we as humans do things that make us feel wanted. Why do u think girls become strippers & men become addicted to porn?
It makes them feel wanted.

I actually explained all this to my husband right after and he sat there and listened to me. He stared at me when I was done with an almost reverent look. I knew he knew it to be true.

I explained to him that is why a girl will become a stripper. Because while she is up there dancing she can; even if it’s for 10 mins, believe she is wanted. Her heart whispers “I am wanted”.

And the men watching porn. They can believe that they are also wanted by so many different “big busted sexy babes”.
It doesn’t matter at that momemt who rejected them in the past because at that moment they are wanted. Or so they convince themselves. And as they “believe” that, his heart whispers, “I am wanted”.

So why would a man give up porn if it causes them to feel that way? To feel accepted and wanted. Even if it’s just for 10 mins or an hour.

Let me tell you the desire to be wanted is not bad or wrong in itself. Because God Himself desires us to want Him.
I believe all the little things that God chooses to do for us is all an attempt for us to want Him. That is our hearts cry.
That is why I believe we as humans search out all kinds of things to feel wanted. We search for love in all the wrong places. We search for acceptance in so many vain persuits.

We wander why we feel more alone after and don’t realize that the One who created us is waiting to feel wanted from us also.

God put that emotion inside us to draw us to Him. But instead so many times we let it push us further from Him.

The thing is when your heart hurts after so much rejection…your willing to sacrifice anything to replace that hurt w/ some kind of peace. Even if it is a temporary peace.

As a teen girl I longed to be as far away from rejection as possible. I was sick of rejection from so many.
From not ever being pretty enough for any boy to not being noticed from my very own dad. My heart was in shreds. There seemed to be no cure for this ache I deeply had. Or so I thought. And those four words right there changed my life. I was running after so many empty dead-ends. I know now my desire to become a dancer was just a hopeless attempt to fill that hole I had to be wanted. And I know now that being in porn was just going to leave me more alone than I ever could’ve imagined.

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All I really needed was something to satisfy the lonely ache I had inside me. Something I believe we all want.
Let me tell you I am proof that there is something out there that most definitely does satisfy that urge we all hold.

Believe me when I say that I know that to be true because if not I would not be writing this. I would be in a strip club somewhere. Or staring in pornography. Or even…. dead.

I came home one night and fell on my knees in my bedroom. Yes, I was tired of searching. Tired of aching. So tired of the hellish crys of just wanting to be wanted.

I guess you can say that night I finally wanted God. I desperately wholeheartedly wanted God. And I felt Him that night more real than I had ever.
It wasn’t until I truly wanted God. That I realized how much He had wanted me all along. How much He had called out to me many times before.

I never understood up to then how much God had wanted me. He had been on a search of His own. For me. I had been trying to find something or someone to fill that empty hole in my heart when God had been coming after me all along.
Because you see friend you are the only thing that truly satisfies God.

He wants us to want Him.

It’s as simple as that.

I pray you understand that your search to just be wanted can be over. Mine did. Once I realized who wanted me above all else. And once you come to know that, it will not matter who doesn’t want you. Because you will have found the missing piece. The cure for your ache. You will finally know that you had always been wanted.
That’s the beauty of it all…that we are wanted not because of what we have to offer. But because of who we are.
No fronts. No masks. No lies.

So next time you notice one of those Webcam girls on your twitter. Or hear a story of how a friend of a friend is addicted to pornography.
Remember the’re searching. They are all just searching. And the saddest thing of it all is if only they knew that the One thing their searching for is really searching for them.
Waiting just waiting to be wanted by them.

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photo credit: Why did you leave me…..?? via photopin (license)

Satan wants to destroy their innocence so he can destroy their future

I recently listened to two different stories on video. One of a former porn star and the other of a former homosexual male porn star.
Both were amazing miracles of what God can do in anyone’s life.

I believe God has a plan for everyone.

Our minds are created to believe that there IS something more.
More than just pleasuring ourselves.
More than just the physical.

Many may not want it but EVERYONE is searching for it. For what?
For true peace.
Real love.
True intimacy.

It hurts so much to see innocent children grow up and become something that they never would’ve chosen or even dreamed about when they were let’s say 4 or 5 years old.
That is why I believe that the devil goes after children so hard. He knows if he can destroy their innocence…it will be that much easier to destroy their future. God’s future for them.

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The devil had horrendous plans for my life. Plans that I thought were what I wanted. Plans that I would’ve chosen because of what my childhood had taught me.
We are only molds of what are childhood shape us into.
But of course we all have that choice once we are adults to allow God to break that mold and rebuild a new one.
It's not easy by no means. But it is a journey worth beginning.

Every person has a story they carry.
I sincerely love to hear stories of molds that God broke through. Or what He saved them from. Whatever that may have been.
Homosexuality, pornography, abuse, depression, suicide attempts. Etc.

I know personally for myself my story would have been on that list for sure.

If you are on a path that you wholeheartedly believe your 4 or 5 year old self would NOT be proud of. Would not have chosen. Than just know that your story does not have to end where your at.
Yes Christ saved me from escorting, becoming a stripper, and being in porn. And because of that my story changed.

I now live a life that my young innocent self would have desired.
I am a mom. A wife. Just a normal girl with a simple life. But…
I know peace.
I know what real love is.
I know what true intimacy feels like.
And let me tell you it’s amazing.

If you have a story share it.
I’m only brave enough to share mine for the hope that it encourages and helps one.

All I know is that if I had never allowed God to rebuild and restore me. You probably would’ve met me in some strip club or in some porn video online.
Oh the power in God’s love.
That He is more than willing to rid us of all the ugliness and stains that cover us. To give us a destiny. To speak promises over us. To heal our hearts from all the despicable memories that do us much harm.
Oh a love like that I choose to give up all for.
I pray you would too.

It is what you were created for.

14 yrs ago I said bye forever! No turning back

14 years ago I said bye to boys breaking my heart.
14 yrs ago I turned my back to all the lies I had fell for.
14 yrs ago I kicked the devil in the face when God demolished the devils plans and brutal, violent, merciless path he had for me all along.
Because 14 yrs ago I stood up firmly and became a daughter of the King.

I had to write a little something about the most amazing, miraculous experience that has happened to me.

If you are an active reader to my blog you already know what God saved me from. ( If not please check out some of my other posts)!
So I won’t get into too much of that.
But I will say that no one and I mean NO ONE could ever cause me to deny what happened that night 14 years ago.

Today I was entranced with the fact that it was exactly 14 years ago that I was rescued from a soon to be wicked and vulgar lifestyle.

I actually attended church service tonight. The same church where I was invited that same week I cried out to God.
I felt extremely humbled. Here I was 14 years prior a foolish young teenager with grossly immoral plans for her life when God decides to intervene.

What makes this day much more powerful now then let’s say years before is because now I truly know where I would be and how I would be living(if even still alive) if not for that transforming holy night!

You see I was like your ordinary teen girl. Loving boy’s attention. And trying to get it anyway I could.
And the heartbreaking thing was.. I was actually on my way to doing everything to get that attention.

Let me say that there are NO words that could’ve described my heart today.
To know where I should be compared to where I am now blows me completely away.

Wholeheartedly I believe I would most probably be dead by now.
Like my other posts reveal. The shame and regret eating at my heart would’ve led me to take my very own life.

So this post was just a thank you and reflection of the 14 years of soundness and wholeness I have truly experienced.

14 years ago I experienced my heart being put together.
Little by little.
But miraculously nonetheless!

14 years ago I finally let go of a lifestyle that would’ve without question led me to a real hell.

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You were not made to waste away in some cheap version of love the world throws at you

If I could say one thing to girls and women everywhere.

It would be that…..

His love is everlasting.

His love changed me.

His love transformed me.

His love converted this girl that was soon to become a stripper and later if given the chance an adult movie star. And believe me I don’t say any of that to boast because how could anyone in their right mind brag about something so disdainful as those lifestyles.

God’s love can transform anyone.

I’ve personally witnessed just to name a few…. drug addicts, alcoholics, and even “goody two shoes” touched by God’s love. If I know anything it’s that His love causes you to want more in life.

To want what your soul knows you were created for!

You were not made to waste away in some cheap version of love the world throws at you.

But I also know how it is to be in a place where that’s all you’ve ever known.

I thought love was giving yourself away. I mean if that was the only way I was going to FEEL love than of course I’ll be a stripper.

But what if a love so pure comes bursting in! A love so true that it literally leaves you wanting more. Except this time you don’t have to do anything cheap or vile for it.

It’s like that very Love shines through your very being and makes you whole.

I was so lost and didn’t even know it. But that’s how it usually is right? We can deny our sickness but if we have every symptom than the evidence is there. So even though I wouldn’t have admitted I was living for a cheap version of love. I definitely was. My symptoms were…I wanted to become a dancer. Also the way I dressed revealed not only my body but my hearts brokenness.

You see you can try to hide your heart but what’s inside will always come oozing out in one way or another.

God’s love proved to me that cheap thrills can NEVER satisfy your souls longing for true intimacy!

The whole human race has that desire for real love and intimacy inside them. That is why I believe so many run after the superficial tastes of it. They jump from bed to bed searching… They choose to become someone they hate. They willingly throw themselves at the alter of sin just to stop the deep cravings they feel.

So let me say it again.   His love is everlasting.

His love chases and pursues you. As long as you are still breathing there is hope and a chance for you to accept His everlasting love.

So this once bruised up and busted girl never got to experience that world of hell that I would’ve if I had not allowed God’s love to cover my heart and rescue me from the world’s filth.

I don’t know who I’m writing this for. But just know that His love is out there following you. Pursuing you day by day. Waiting for you to realize that He is all you really want. Nothing more. Nothing less.

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~Romans 5:8

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A girls Survival instinct for acceptance & love

Girls parade themselves.
They flaunt themselves.
But it gets to a point where they don’t even know they are doing it.
They knowingly and unknowingly do things to gather attention.
Maybe it’s by what they choose to wear.
Or maybe by laughing a little to loud on purpose.
Or maybe … Yes … Maybe it’s just all in their head.
They believe things that are NOT true.
They believe they know things that are just made up in their minds.
It’s sad really. If you think about it.

They crave attention not only because they like it. But because it’s a way to survive. Its their survival instinct. Its what their mind creates to make them feel accepted and loved.
They don’t want to be lonely.
They don’t want to be alone.
Or humiliated or ridiculed.
They want others to believe they are doing great. And she is a lot of the times. But at other times she’s not.
They believe that guy wants them. But in reality she NEEDS to believe he wants her because she wants to feel beautiful. She believes she can only be wanted and beautiful if a man gives her some kind of attention. Even if he’s a married man.
Her mind is sick and twisted.
But she believes she knows where it all came from.

No daddy. No father. He wasn’t there to tell her she was ENOUGH.
He hadn’t been there to hug her and let her know that she didn’t NEED no man to make her feel beautiful. Because she ALREADY was.
She now wishes with everything in her that she had had that pure fatherly love and bond. Maybe she wouldn’t think the way she thinks at times. The thoughts that torment her. That pop up over and over again. She wants freedom.

She thinks of suicide.
The thoughts would end then. Wouldn’t they?

No! She knows she’s stronger than that.
She’s gotta know KNOW know that her worth is there. That her beauty is there. Yes even without the make-up or cute clothes.

The day I was almost raped..changed my life

The day I cried out.

Today I want to write about the day God began His incredible journey of healing me.

People may look at me now and never even think or believe where I would be if God might’ve never rescued me from a dead lifestyle.
. . . . . .

But when I was only 16 my heart had already felt much pain.
Much hearbreak.
Much rejection.
Nights I would think of suicide.
I thought I knew what I wanted.
I DIDN’T.

How is it that Someone can actually heal and restore your broken up soul!

I have experienced it. I know.

And it all started with a cry.

The year was 2002.
The month.. January.
I did the dangerous.
I took off with a boy I didn’t really know at all.
But hey, I was a teen girl with a bruised and torn heart remember.
We tend to do some pretty stupid things when our heart is broken or wounded.

We drove around a bit. Then… As it got dark and started to snow. He didn’t take me home. He drove his car to an alley right next to a field. And turned off the engine.

Yes. He wanted to have sex.
But no. Of course, I didn’t want to.
He tried to convince me and no not with words.

But with the little of integrity I had left inside of me I looked out the passenger window and (either in my mind or in a whisper) I pleaded:
“God, get me out of this”.

He did. He really really did.

I wiped my tear away slowly because I didn’t want the boy to see me crying as I turned to look at him. He stared at me said,
“Do you want me to take you home”?

Just like that.

I said yes. (Of course)
He started the car and drove me straight home.
I never ever seen him again.

I walked inside my home and into my room. Closed the door.
And cried.
I cried like a baby.
On my knees. I cried out.

Here I was a 16 year old girl that could’ve been raped.
I know God saved me that night.
I know He heard my plea.

And as I cried out in my room that night. God was already beginning the process of healing me.

I gave my heart to Him that night.
That broken, bruised, torn, abused heart. And in return He began to restore me. He began to change my heart and cleanse my mind.
It’s unbelievable really. It truly was a miracle.

Yes, there are things I wish I had never experienced as a young girl. Things and situations that have left scars. But if I had never experienced them I wouldn’t know now how it feels to be healed and restored.
And believe me I do. I do.

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Wasn’t it just yesterday I was a young, dumb teenager??

Well guys….This is it.

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My 30 year birthday is only a week and a half away! How did I get here so quick?

Wasn’t it just yesterday I was a young, dumb, confused, and very lonely teenage girl?

So… as I begin to say good-bye to my twenties I dedicate this post to my soon to be 30 years of LIFE.

I know some might judge me as being old. While others may judge me as still being a “baby”.

But either way one thing I know for darn sure is I have entered a wise stage of life and I want to share some of that.

Here are some things I have learned. . . For life sure has a way of teaching you many things willingly AND unwillingly in 30 years. Right?

1. That even after devastating betrayal your heart is able to forgive. Able to keep beating. And still able to go on.

2. That a lot of stuff you think matters really doesn’t matter at all. Such as the car you drive, the house you live in or what brand of clothes you may be wearing. It just doesn’t matter. We came into this world naked and we will all leave this world not taking one single material thing with us!

3. If God is all you have you already have everything you’ll ever need. (I learned this and number 2 above more deeply last month on a mission trip to Mexico). God gives and God takes away. But if your heart is set and aligned in God than it doesn’t matter what may come or what doesn’t come. Better yet it won’t matter what you own or not. I met beautiful people on our trip last month that did not own much but their faces were radiant with joy and peace. I can not even express the love they bestowed upon me and many didn’t even know me. And I believe it was all because they held the secret many Americans are so desperately looking for. They had God and that was enough!

4. If someone doesn’t like you. IT’S OK!
Now hear me out I’m not talking about treating people with no respect and kindness or in a blatantly rude or cruel manner all the while not understanding why they prefer to stay away from you.
There is a line. What I am saying is I know what it is to love on people and be there for them and all you get in return is their ugliness, hatefullness, and stabs in the back. I know you might not believe this but there are some callous people out there!! Yes even in the “Christian” world.😦 So when you can honestly say you’ve loved them like Jesus. And they still don’t like you. IT’S O-K-A-Y! “Religious” people known as the Pharisees in the Bible hated Jesus. Come on who could hate Jesus? He healed the sick, brought the dead back to life, loved the worse of the worse and even took time to love on children. Really? Yup, they still couldn’t stand Him. So when you come across some “Pharisees” in your life, in your church, or wherever. Remember you can’t make someone like you, you can’t make someone love you, BUT you can always forgive them and pray for them.

5. Simple is beautiful. (Now this something that I am actually in the process of learning). You see from an early age I wore makeup and lots of it. Pretty much it was my identity. Without it I was a nobody. I was ugly. And honestly I still think like that at times. But here recently God began showing me something that in reality I didn’t want to see. He started dealing with my heart. He started trying to let me know that HE is my identity.
When we lose ourselves in wordly matters we lose something that God so lovingly wants us to never forget. That our value comes from Him. And only Him.
Do you know that a prostitute or homeless person on the street is just as valuable and important to God as the pastor or missionary that helps brings souls to Christ? Yes.
God wanted me to understand that He sees me full of worth and beauty no matter how I may look to others.

That’s one reason I truly believe many girls walk around half dressed or why sadly many give themselves away far too easily to boy/man after boy/man, night after night. They are just trying and searching for their self-worth. They just want to feel special. Beautiful. valuable.
So they give their self-respect and body away even if it’s just for 10 minutes of pleasure.

Listen woman YOU ARE FULL OF WORTH! You are LOVED! You are WORTH FIGHTING FOR!
Your value DOES NOT come from what others see when they look at you!
Your identity is in God. Because He made you. He created you!
It may sound too simple I know. It can be hard to really believe that in this world we live in. But it’s the flat out TRUTH.
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It’s something that I am still learning. But it is something that I never want to forget. Especially since it took me practically 30 years to learn!

So guys it may look like I haven’t learned much. But I promise I have. There’s so much more I’ve learned and also so much I want to forget in 30 years.

We all grow up and grow old but we all have a choice to not grow cold.

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photo credit: B-day Candles via photopin (license)